I have been blessed in so many ways.
 Tomorrow 1/8/15 will slowly tick by in our house. 72 months since we lost our Angel Bitsy. 72 months without her beautiful soul present in body here on Earth. 72 months that the clock would not wait for us to catch a breath or make ready for the next. Time just marches on at its own steady reliable pace.
While life has been unbearably difficult at times we are so blessed. So many families lose everything financially to cancer and the onslaught that accompanies it. We have struggled and there is light at the end of a very long difficult tunnel. Light I wasn't sure would come.
 Loss really sheds light on true friends and relationships that are genuine. We have been surrounded by an extended family that held us up when we could not do it alone. Thank you Tonya, Tangela and Marc for helping my kids have a normal life while their mother gathered the pieces of her own and put them back in place.
Families bicker and death can drive wedges between one another we have pulled together instead of pushing apart. So many couples divorce after the loss of a child.
Some times I forget how wonderful the man I married is. There are too many attributes to list that brighten my life. But I think the most important thing in these dark days is his ability to make me laugh. Even when he is hurting he makes me stop crying and laugh. He can make me mad as fire in an instant but he can also make me laugh just as hard in the next. Only he can make me laugh at the most inappropriate times to make my heart smile.
We have been through Hell and back yet there he is waiting to lift me from the darkness and laugh so hard my face hurts.
 I love you Tom, thank you for keeping me laughing among all the other wonderful things you to make the world a better place.

We love you Brittany and miss you so much.  I often thing of how our world would be different with you still here. How would your life have changed those around you. And then your daddy reminds me of something silly you would do so I start thinking of the good memories not the lost. Hugs love and Kisses.
Mamma

Where do I begin?  Wow it's hard to believe it has been just shy of one whole year since my last post.
But the ever faithful march of time waits for no one. So frustrating in one minute yet comforting in so many others. Time can heal and time can hurt. Time has a way of changing the memories we cherish. Washing away some pain and some joy. 

 This year has been full of accomplishments and adventures, twists and turns, dips and rolls, all on this crazy roller coaster ride of life.

Amber graduated from nursing school as we knew she would.(She wasn't so sure) And guess what! She has a real job! So proud of her determination. She really had to make sacrifices to get where she is and she loves her job. She is working in a progressive cardiac unit, where they send you after ICU but before a regular floor. I don't think this will be the end of her school career, she loves learning. She has told me that she isn't sure she will have kids...."Mom I spend my day keeping people alive, not sure I want to do that with a kid." She is still in Louisville but I think she is looking to move further north in the next year. Visiting now is an easy 3 1/2 hr drive. I guess we better enjoy that while we can. 
     If you have been following on FB you may know that the latest ISIS killing included one of Amber's very close friends. Peter Abdul Rahman Kassig was part of Ambers support network when Brittany passed. The Friday the video announcing Peter as the next to be killed was released Amber had a stranger ask her if she knew she had a angel with her. He told her she looked just like Amber and thought it maybe a sister. She has not seen this stranger before or since. 
 I think Brittany knew Amber needed someone else to tell her Bitsy was there because of the difficulties to come with the news about Peter. She has done well with his death but feels led to help in his fight now. Its hard for me to say go , help, but it's also hard for me to say no don't follow your heart.

Savannah is doing awesome in school, loving her second year of high school. Growing up too fast as they all do. She is our self proclaimed diva. No idea where she gets that. (NO family chiming in please). She says she feels like she is lost sometimes because she is so different from her sisters, like she doesn't belong. I haven't told her how much like her mother she is. I keep hoping she will veer of that track. She has a wonderful heart but seems afraid to show it. Can't help but wonder if this too is a side effect of cancer. She has taken up tennis and doing well. Even recruiting Rose to the racquet. Savannah joined the drama club last year and it really brought her out of her shell. She would never sing openly before but she does constantly now. She also entered the Miss Red and White pageant last winter and had a lot of fun with it. That cultivated the diva in her I guess. It is wonderful to see so many well rounded young ladies having fun. She had some really good role models there with the top of the  senior class. She has her permit and wants to drive everywhere so look out! Giving us both more grey hairs for sure but doing well at it.


Rose, dear sweet Rose,
 Rose is definantly her own person. Feisty sometimes doesn't cover it. She does not have the moral flexibility of her daddy. There is no grey area. The law is the law and Rose is there to make sure we do not step out of line. The rules may only be modified for the law keepers. She has a sensitive side but she guards it like a treasure. She is doing wonderfully in school but pushes herself for perfection constantly. There is no doing something to the minimum with her. She is so hard on herself I worry about the stress she creates for herself. Amber sees herself in Rose and tries to help her learn easier ways to cope but that doesn't always go over very well. Arguing with her is like trying to nail jello to a tree, waisted energy. Like I mentioned before she is learning to play tennis also. She has been in chorus for the last two years and actually auditioned for a solo last week, no news yet. Still finding herself but growing into a beautiful young lady every day. 

My ladies are all growing into such beautiful young women right before my eyes. It's so hard to grasp the speed at which things change.

Tom has discovered a new passion, obstacle course racing. He did several for Brittany that fell on the 8th and the fire was fanned to a full burn. He loves it. He is nuts! He has done awesome in them though so it's true he is built for these crazy extreme sports. He's been all over the east coast and even to 2 world championship races. Placing 10th over all out of 4k and first in his age group. It seemed for a while every race he would bring a new venue home. That season is over till early spring but training is year round with extreme sports. We have even gotten to see him several times on NBC in different races. He seems to really enjoy the Spartan Races but this group of athletes has a bond like no others. He has made some great friends and they all encourage and help each other improve. Nice that they are all trying to lift others up not step on them on the way to the top. It is wonderful that Tom can adjust his schedule to allow himself to train like he needs to.

I have had a rough year physically, double hernia repair last year the week of Christmas, sprained ankle the first day back in the gym(I missed a step leaving the gym). Finally got back on my feet and working out hard and somehow broke 2 bones in my foot. So I was in a boot for 12 weeks, after walking on the broken foot for a month. The bright side of all that is if I ever get rid of this cushion around my middle I have abs of steel under there! I was able to do arms/upper body while in the boot so mu shoulders and arms are coming along nicely. Slowly getting back into jogging still really tender with a lot of things and I've had to give the heels a rest. Nothing higher that 2 inches. Bleh!
Mentally I'm doing well considering I have teenagers. The normal they know everything phase is in full swing. I've been busy this year with online classes and will attempt on campus classes in January.  Scary! Keep my family in your thoughts after that they will be stressed I'm sure. 
      We all have our moments when the sadness is there, waiting to zap you. I try to keep the thoughts that it is there to help me grow and strengthen. It's not there to crush me but allow me to regroup and rebuild, to nourish me for what is yet to come. I think of Bitsy often and also of Mom. Wondering how different choices would have changed things. Not regrets just questions. 
Several weeks after Savannah started playing tennis she started having back pain.... My heart sunk, it was right where Bitsy started having pain. Tom and I both had the same fear but neither would speak it. it was like saying it would validate it and make it true. We know the statistics, it would be astronomical. But still this gripping fear was there like it had been waiting around the corner all the time. Thankfully it was nothing other than her growing so fast her muscles needed to catch up. Physical therapy and massage have helped. The massage fueling the diva mind no doubt. 

Some days I stay on the edge of tears. I see that this incredible pain has heightened my sensitivity to the loss of others, to the need of others, to any pain of others. I would not want to be callous but it is difficult somedays to keep it together. I hope I can help Rose and Savannah understand the importance of compassion, and empathy. 
How can my arms ache so much and be so full? 
The small things can bring the deepest memories. The smell of a new perfume. The smell of tinsel. I had a hard time keeping it together a few weeks ago in target. Savannah brought a tinsel trap to me and wanted to get it for her room. The smell, I had not thought of it before, brought a flood of memories of Christmases past. Tinsel and icicles, I really never noticed the smell but there it was with all the laughter and happy memories. 
   Young ladies finding their own style and way in the world. So many things I see in Savannah and Rose every day remind me of Brittany. So many things I wish we could share. Today she would be 23. So much fun for a 23 year old intelligent lady to have. I have no doubt she is watching diligently over her sisters. Still I wish I could hear her voice and smell her hair. Give her a hug, just sit and talk with her for hours. So many things I want to say here but I've gone on so long already. 

Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy!
Hugs and Kisses 


I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed holiday season.
 Peace and light
Amy

gratitude

I am truly blessed.

My road in this life has not been an easy one. It has been full of detours and pot holes for sure.
 as I sit here this morning in my quiet house I am reminded of my blessings. And there are to many to count.
My kind hearted husband, our beautiful family. Those are at the top of the list for sure.

Looking around at the families I work with this season it seems to hit home even harder how many are without the basics.
Shelter and warm clothing and food.
So many struggling to feed their families.

Why do I have so much?


What makes me more deserving of the gifts?

How can my heart be so hollow and broken in one moment and feel so full in the next?


Will this void ever shrink?


Will I ever feel whole again?

 I used to think I would never be able to fully feel happiness again.

 Yet here I am feeling so happy, content and at peace with this journey, so whole.

The wisdom we gain from years is real. So many elders try to share the wisdom they have gained. How often do we as younger beings dismiss their advice? " It won't be that way for me." But then years later we reflect back to that advice and know they were right.

Slow down and live life for right now.
What am I missing because I am in a rush? I have my to do list to be done!
Stop!  Life doesn't give us repeats very often.

 Driving to class yesterday, I passed the nursing home where mom was as I do every Thursday. It was different yesterday, harder.

 How I wish she were here. Healthy and vibrant as she was so long ago.

What would I do to hold my beautiful Bitsy for one ore hour?
Just to touch her warm soft skin…

 I have so much and yet I long for the things that I cannot have. The love that has gone on. The hugs from arms no longer with me. The sweet sounds of voices silenced in this world.
Sometimes I have to allow myself to grieve more. To let the tears wash away the sad memories and usher in the memories that make me cry tears of joy.
 Holidays have been hard for these years without Brittany. This year I feel  I can bear them. They are about building new memories too. Thank you for this gift. The gift of joy to share with my girls who have been through so much already.

Thank you for my gifts and blessings
Thank you for my caring husband, who always makes me smile
Thank you for my beautifully talented daughters. They are all so different yet alike in so many ways
Thank you for the friends and family you have surrounded us with. The ones who are there when we need a shoulder or just a smile and hello.
Thank you for our healthy bodies and healthy minds.
Thank you for so many other things I am to blind to notice that make my journey easier.
Thank you for my peace.
Thank you for showing me how to allow my heart to love again.

May you and yours have a wonderfully blessed holiday season.
May you slow down and savor each and every moment you can.

Amy

Birthdays are usually a celebration. Birthdays bring laughter and smiles,old friends and sometimes family. Those who bring joy with them into our lives. We choose carefully the ones to share the special memories made on birthdays.
Birthdays can be a time of reflection, a time of reliving the past. If only for a while it can be a time that friends and family feel at ease to remember with us.
It is always okay to share your memories of Brittany with me. Even though I may cry it heals my heart to know you still remember. You have not forgotten our sweet Brittany. We have not forgotten. Sometimes it seems the world marches on and forgets. Please don't forget.
It's okay to say her name. She is always in our thoughts.
Sometimes I wonder, I think Rose and Savannah forget. They were so young. Yet I don't want them to forget.  I want them to remember the good times.
As the holiday season is well under way I think it is important for us to create new traditions so they have a part in the new choices. I also did not realize they do value some of the "old" traditions. Things I assumed they would out grow.
Savannah got upset they we handn't made the traditional trip for pumpkins, corn stalks and mums. She finally broke down,  she said Amber and Brittany were gone and things were not the same. It made her sad to give this up. So she and daddy did their trip to round them up.
It is so hard to understand what means something and what is irrelevant. Something so trivial can mean so much.
This was the first Thanksgiving Amber didn't come to visit. She is making her own new life there in Louisville. She is stressed with school but loves it. It makes my heart happy to see her chasing her dreams. I remember mom guilting me so hard for not making the trip "home" for and holiday. I teased Amber, telling her I wouldn't guilt her, I would only cry in silence.   She didn't think it was as funny as I did.
As we reflect on the memories if you have one too, please share. Brittany was old enough to begin creating her own life outside out home. There are so many fun times we weren't with her. Those happy memories are like glimpses into her heart.
I hope your day brings a flood of happy memories of Brittany or any other loved ones no longer with us.
Happy 22 nd birthday Beautiful Angel Brittany.

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

mom

Days sure have a way of slipping by. The summer has flown. Full of adventure and fun, good days and bad moments.


After several years of steady decline mom finally gets her rest.
She was released from the ravages caused by Parkinson's and all her other ails on July 3rd 2013.
Trapped in a body that would not relent.
A body that had it's own agenda it seemed.

Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was finally peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.


My thoughts get muddled here.

Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother.

 We did not always agree.

I do wonder what her life would be if she had discovered she had what she needed long ago. If she didn't seek to find happiness in things and people but in herself. For the last few months she was part of every day for me.
 It's difficult to change so dramatically.
 I miss her so much even though she would demand the moon if I would allow.
Stubborn and demanding, that was mom.
Even to the end she wanted to control all that she could.

Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.

Sadness is so destructive. I think watching mom battle depression and watching it slowly consume her. Watching as one by one she let go of her dreams. The darkness infiltrated every corner. Like some monstrous fog, it hovered and settled around her every time it got a chance.
How would her life have been different if she had made different choices? The choice to fight harder in the beginning. The choice to listen to those telling her to change her lifestyle, to eat better and exercise.

She had been sick for a long time. I watched the ravages of disease on her body and mind. I knew it was close. We talked when we could. I sat and listened to the breath of my sleeping mother when she did not know I was there. I always felt like somehow she would know I had been there. The nurses told her they knew I had been there because she would smell sweet and I took off all those dang bandaids from blood draws. They would leave them on all day!

I'm glad we had some good days these last few months. We got to laugh together. We got to cry together. And with the wonderful technology of today some other family got to laugh and cry with us via facetime or just a phone call.

Thank you to all who stayed right there with us til the end. Thank you to all the angels that choose to care for the informed. It's a difficult and thankless job at best. Yet there were so many kind and gentle souls right there around us helping us make this journey with her.

My step dad seems to be doing his best to stay busy. I think he is afraid to slow down. He is lonely and lost, no purpose. Thats a terrible feeling, to feel unneeded. Even though he spent so much of the time complaining about having to do for her, he was there, He stopped at the store for the ice cream she would take one bite of and then leave to melt. He was there.


My work brings so many families living with such unhealthy habits. I wish they could see through me what it can and will do.
 I see so many longing for something they think they must go out and find. Something that is right there inside them if they only look.

Gratitude is something I understand much more clearly now. I have always tried to be grateful. To ask "why me"for the good and not only the bad. To cherish the little things. To look for my gifts each day.
This journey has been through some pretty despicable valleys but there is always a mountain with a breathtaking view waiting for me to climb.
I know I have changed, I have grown, I have deepened my capacity to love.
I sometimes feel guilty, I am sad to lose mom. And yet the pain is not the same.

The immensity of losing Brittany does not compare with losing Mom.

I guess we all expect to lose our parents.

Life brings people in and out of our days.
Sometimes we see why, sometimes we don't.
Sometimes we welcome the departure and sometimes we are left hurt and broken.

Questioning our choices.

Questioning if we could have made things end differently.

Some, there is always a chance meeting. Some, we know we will not meet on earth again.

 The pain of losing a loved one is agony in either case.

Friends we see places in our lives to help us. Friends who can help us stand when all we want to do is slump to the floor. They can show us our own inner strength. They keep us from falling into a dark hole.
Our guardians if you will.
 And then there are the ones who are there to help us and then we must watch helplessly as they fall of their own choices.

Addiction robs us of so many things. It takes beautiful people and consumes them to a point they are no longer recognizable as the ones we once knew.
It makes then do things to hurt those that love them most. They apologize only to repeat the same thing over and over until they are cut off from everything that really matters. Of course at this point nothing matters to them but the substance or activity of their addiction.
And sometimes this isn't the end of their road. Sometimes something happens to break the cycle. It finally "clicks" or whatever it takes, and they decide they want to live again. Live life, not be lived by addiction. Some succeed and some do not.

We can be a terribly judgmental society at a whole. Are we really worthy to stand in judgement when we have never walked the road they have come to here?

I believe we get from life what we give to it.
When I am generous and caring , life will be generous and caring with me.
Words can be hurtful. Words can do more damage in seconds than actions sometimes.
Words can also change our perspective. Words can set the wheels in motion to change things.

I saw a beautiful video last night and it brought tears to my eyes with its raw truth.
We all get consumed with our own lives and are to busy to help the less fortunate sometimes. Something as a simple change in perspective can make us stop and look at things differently.
The video was of a blind man sitting on the steps of some public building with a sign that said, "Blind, please help". Strangers would toss change his way occasionally but few and far between. A young woman stopped and changed his sign, then went about her way. People began giving the man change almost immediatly. This continued all day person after person would give the man change politely not toss it at him. Then as the young woman returned from her day she stopped again. He asked her what she did to his sign, what did it say. She replied "It says the same, only in a different way."  She changed his sign to say, "It's a beautiful day and I can't see it".

Change your words
Change your world

peace and light
Amy

Broken hearted daddy

February 8,2013
On a morning so like today 49 months ago, tears streaming down my face and his,  I watched out the window as a very broken hearted daddy carried our baby girl Bitsy out of this house forever.

Knowing does not make it easier.

Today I don't think anything would make this treacherous path any easier. Sure we think we can prepare ourselves. But really and truly it is no different for our heart. Maybe it is easier for the head. Or maybe we have heard that knowing makes easier so we convince our ego it is.
Time may dull the pain temporarily. But it does not remove the deep sorrow, the darkness. That sorrow that lay in wait, waiting for the opportunity. Waiting to grab you when you think you have everything in control. When you think you are finally stronger than it is. There, just waiting to consume me.

Perspective, so many times I  think about how a small change in perspective can make a profound change in the way we see things. I often refer to  this devastating sorrow as darkness. It feels dark, it looks dark through my eyes. It is cold and empty, hollow. Sometimes it seems there is no end, no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I am rescued from this vast darkness by something so tiny. Something that allows me to turn away from the darkness. A flame of hope bringing light into the darkness. Something that changes my perspective.

Maybe I am not looking at the darkness through the right eyes. Maybe there too I can change my outlook by simply changing my perspective.  Maybe the darkness isn't trying to consume me. Maybe the darkness is there to strengthen me, Maybe the darkness is like the winter, my winter.

Winter can be crazy here in East Tennessee. Some days are really cold and some can be spring like. The hardest thing for me here are the stacked days of no sun at all. They can come one after the other for what seems to be weeks at a time . Rainy, dreary days that make everything require so much more effort.  Days of cold that don't make it above freezing. When those days are sunny I love the cold. The ones that are cloudy and wet chill us to the core. It seems there is no place on earth warm enough to banish this cold feeling deep inside. Yet even on those days nature is there rejoicing in some way. The mockingbird out my window sings like it is spring. Calling to the sun to bring back it's warm rays. The beautiful colors of nature don't hide even in this cold. The flaming red cardinals and the Blue Jays are there out my window promising spring will come soon. They make me smile and think of springs from the past. I think of what I will plant this year, what new plant will I try to grow. Then I start that mental project list Tom so avoids. And somehow these thoughts warm me.

Winter is a time most of us draw into family and self. We slow down, we relax a bit. We do things that we don't make time for when the sun is warm and bright. A good rainy day is much easier for me to devote to housework than a sunny one. When it's warm and sunny I want to get things done and be out in the warmth. Maybe that's what I have not been seeing. Maybe my winter is needed to strengthen my roots like it does the beautiful flowers. The flowers and trees, all plants use the winter to rebuild, to produce the blooms and fruit for the coming season. Maybe this darkness that I feel always waiting isn't there to smother me but nurture me. Maybe it is there to help me heal. To give me that much needed time to just breathe. To strengthen me for what life holds for me. To nourish my soul like a flower waiting for spring. So my soul may blossom and brighten the world like the flowers do. Happy and cheerful, bringing joy to all around them.
It is hard to allow myself to surrender to the darkness. To surrender this facade of strength that I have grown to wear so well. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can cry. I can let go and be vulnerable. I will be stronger still by allowing the winter to nourish me. Maybe that is why this winter of darkness has been following me for so long. Following me in warm weather and cold. Maybe all along she has been trying to show me all along that she is there for me, not to get me. Maybe there is someone out there that will need me to be strong. Winter must know I need to replenish and refuel.
I will try to look at this darkness of my winter and think about her as a friend. It will be hard to change my thinking Im sure. I am going to try. I feel better about it already. I will allow myself to rest and replenish so that I may blossom and flourish in the beautiful light ahead.