“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

August Wilson quotes

Tears come so easily these days. I know we need the rain but I really need the sunny mornings to help me face each new day. Even when it is gloomy there is the promise of sun. I wish my body could run as long as my mind feels it needs to. I know yoga has been a blessing mentally and physically for me. And some days I still wish i could do more yoga too. Maybe my need for sun is only my way of trying to rid myself of this cold. My heart feels so full of beautiful memories but there is this coldness that just won't stay away. I can distract myself for a short while and then it returns.
I know my days will get easier again. I wish they would hurry up and turn. Maybe these hard days are here for me to confront my demons, my darkness. It seems when I push it aside for a few weeks unchecked, the dark days come in a cluster. When I deal with my feelings one day at a time the darkness is short lived.
Yesterday we had a "Rosy" moment... I was fussing at daddy about ignoring me. He said he needs rest. Rose said" Weellll! DaaaDDDY! If you didn't run so much .... maybe you would have time for a nap! And then you wouldn't be tired! lol that girl is a card. She loves to share her opinion. I am sure mom would say she got that from me.Savannah chimed in when he said I had been clingy with " it could be worse... she could be pregnant"! Oh my goodness where did that come from. The only place I can think of is one of Toms employees is pregnant and he has fussed about her complaining.
I feel better now. Just talking for a bit made me feel better. Thank you! I will face the darkness and illuminate it and forgive. I will forgive for myself and my girls. By confronting it it will fade.
peace in your journey
amy

Were do I start? I don't know why, but for the last few days I feel so disconnected from my family. I feel like I am here but not really. I am cheerful lone minute and the next I am fighting to keep my head out of the darkness. I meet people who are traveling along this same road every day. Some are further along and some have only just begun. It doesn't seem that as time passes things are always easier. Yes it seems there are less bad and more good moments. But it seems the road can get bumpy around each and every turn. The mind can be treacherous. The mind can lead us down a road even worse than reality. I always talk about the daily struggle with the darkness. I wish they could turn a switch in my mind that would stop the constant battle. I wish I could have one day in which there was total peace. I am working to achieve this. I know it will come. One day I will be able to control my crazy mind. I am happy I have can lose my crazy mind for a short time with my yoga. I wish my body could deal with more... some days my mind wants more. Let me remember to turn away from my ego and back to God. He is love and he loves me. I have only to love and I will be at peace.
peace and love are what I need
good night
amy

I guess if you need an example of how time skews things here you have it! In my last post I said it had been 18 months and it had only been 17.
Some days I feel like she has been gone forever and some days I feel like it has been minutes. Some time stands still and some times it races on. I never know which I will have. I find myself envious of those who can sleep again. Sleep can be a diversion. I thought sleep was to recuperate and replenish our body and mind. What great sleep commander decides to keep this peace from some of us. When I can't sleep I keep hearing Bitsy tell me how lack of sleep ages you. She use to fuss at me about that. Oxygen and sleep. "Those dumb people in Oxygen Bars are stupid! They are just killing their cells with oxygen!" she would say. She hated to have to use oxygen but she did realize it made her feel better. I wish some times my mind would go completely! Maybe that would be easier. To live obliviously sounds kinda nice at this moment.
Thank you for letting us know you have not forgotten our sweet angel. Thank you for your support and help in this journey.
I sold Rosy's with Toms help. I guess you can say my heart wasn't in it anymore. It feels like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It ripped my heart out to let it go. That was my baby. I built it with Tom's help from the ground up. Didn't get what it was worth but I didn't feel I was doing it justice. Hopefully the new owner will. The name is the same and he said he doesn't plan on changing anything. I don't have a say in that now do I? So if you are looking to stay with us I'll be back at Cork with Tom. So many things cancer has taken from us and I include Rosy's on that ever growing list.
Don't know if we are going to make any sort of vacation trip this year. Tom and the girls talk about it but I resist. Just doesn't feel right. I want to go one minute then I don't! Same battle different day.
Why do I feel the need to hide my pain from those that love me? Why do I have to be the strong one? Why can't I just collapse like one of those women in movies and be rescued? Why must I struggle every day to keep going! Things I love are so hard to do. Is this part of grief? Will there ever be a time that I have the drive and motivation I once did? Daily I battle these bad thoughts. I know they will pass and I know I am stronger. Maybe one day my crazy brain will just give up and let my heart lead this body. Let me live in peace and not a daily battle to stay ahead of the darkness. I worry that we all are losing our minds. Savannah still won't talk openly. Anything about Brittany has to be drug out of her. This is gonna be a hard ride through puberty I can see from here. She is so much like Brittany it's scary sometimes. She will keep everything onside instead of talking to us. She does open up to Amber some . But with Amber going back to school soon I worry about what she will get in to. I do have the comfort of knowing she can call Amber anytime since she has her own cell phone.
I guess I have vented for long enough.
Thanks for listening.
Amy

Sometimes I feel so strong, and then there are those days that beat me down one punch at a time. Some days I have peace and some days I struggle to keep my mind from going off on these rants of injustice. Why this and that. How can this God we trust be like this.Those days are hard for us all. Our crazy ego thinks it knows all. I can only tell myself that this "cloud" will pass, just as the others have. I remember that the only thing I have to do is remember to breathe. When I can really go inward to my heart and listen to my own breath my ego fades even if it's only momentary. It helps me through those breath taking moments every day. Have you ever gotten so stressed that you think you can't breathe? In those crazy moments think about this... listen to your own breath. listen and feel... feel the air as it enters your nose and hits the back of your throat... can you feel it swirling?... is it cool or warm?... feel your lungs drink in this life giving air. It will help you through those stressful times.

The soft answer turns away wrath. When everyone around you seems to be in bad spirits bickering and complaining, take a step back, it's so easy to answer in kind, but instead feel into your heart and answer gently. Let peace radiate from you.. Thanks for this CB! wise words...
Love and peace for your days

Today has come and gone like any other to so many around me. 18months ago Angel Bitsy earned her wings. It would be so easy to give in to the darkness and be swallowed up by grief. Grief so close to my heart at every second of every day I don't know how to explain it. I know there is no need for explanation here. Some days are still much more struggle than others as we knew they would be. So many have reached out to let us know they haven't forgotten her. Thank you! I am saddened by so much as we just passed what would have been Brittany's graduation. It is so hard to watch all these beautiful young souls moving down their paths. Bittersweet... Thank you again for not letting her memory fade.
As I started, it would be so easy to be swallowed by darkness. But we choose to stay on the sunny side of life. We know it is what she would have us do. Look for the rainbows at every chance. There is always something beautiful to be found in every moment if you only stop and take the time to look. Don't let the rain stop you, chase the sun and relish it's warmth and beauty. A cloud does not put out the sun.
peace to all
Amy

As this day brings a beautiful new dawn. My strength is somewhat renewed. I have to remember the promises given and have faith that He is in control. Our brain as humans can be so devious. This thing we call "ego" can be such a kill joy. It thinks it knows what is the way we should continue. It plants doubt in things we have always trusted. We have only to turn our back on ego and turn back to our God to see the love. God did not put us here to suffer. Our ego leads us into much of the suffering. Unconditional love is something we have been told as people of faith we should have. Jesus showed us unconditional love. Why is it so hard for us to really know unconditional love? Ego maybe? We say we love unconditionally and then we contradict our selves by limiting others for our love. Are the worthy? Why should I when?..... I face the challenge everyday of letting the ego win with all it's negativity and sorrow. Most days I am triumphant. Yesterday and several over the past few weeks have beaten my determination to live life as Brittany did. Brittany looked at life with the eyes of excitement and wonder we should all have."Strength to continue when others would crumble"(thanks Amber for that) That was one of the awesome things about her. Incredible will! The will of a true angel. She knew he would protect her, she knew it would be better soon. If only we could tap into that wisdom and not have to fight for it every day. I today am choosing to win and see the love and joy I have been given. I am choosing to be thankful for my journey no matter how difficult it may seem, it is mine. I know I am loved. I must also choose to love myself and forgive myself. Thank you for your prayers,
Amy

give me strength

So many times I say I wish the world would stop for just a moment so I can breathe. I don't think anyone can really understand how real this wish feels unless they have been here. Loss is hard no matter who it is. That is easy to understand. I feel like I have been in this endurance race for the last three plus years. I can see the finish and then they up and change the course. Over the last several months things have really gotten hard mentally. I know it is because financially, cancer, is catching up with me. Months of unchecked expenses and trying to keep things together with no time for thought are finally catching up. Why does it seem men think differently about money. It seems so many live life worried about tomorrow and their nest egg. Women seem to be more present and live for today. I guess that describes me. Knowing your daughter might not make it to the next, whatever, certainly makes teaching priorities fly out the window. So many times I have counted my blessings for being self employed. I could change my schedule and work as I could. Now is not one of those. I have been thinking... There should be something out there to help grieving families "recover". Financially there is aftermath of cancer. Not medical bills per say, but the other stuff... I have tried to get a loan to help and with all this economy stuff I'm sure you know the answer I got. Even with good credit! Somewhere out there I know a mother has been here before. How did she manage. Did she dive up and throw in the towel or continue to stand and fight. When is it time to turn and walk away? Please include me in your prayers. I don't want to give up. I love my store. I know mentally I will be able to run it again. I know I will never be the same but day by day things are more clear. And the bad moments are farther apart now. Please God help me to see the way. Show me your path. You have gotten me this far I know you will not abandon me here.
I have been thinking there should be a resource to help families with small businesses recover after the death of a child. Men also tend to bury themselves in their work. I wish I could do that sometimes. Then I think about my younger girls. It is not fair of me to be absent from their life because I am unhappy in my own presently. I am their mother and they are grieving also. It is my role to help them through this turmoil also. To help them grow and learn from everything here. I can see how a parent of an only child could lose them self in grief very quickly. My other children are a motivation. They are the only thing making me keep moving forward some days.
I had some minor surgery two weeks ago. It has shown me another gift I have been given, Yoga! Baron Baptiste Power Vinyasa is meditation and yoga. Yoga for the mind and body. Until surgery I don't know when the last time I didn't do yoga was. Oh my goodness! I was more concerned about that than the surgery. I enjoy my practice every day! I have practiced twice in a row this week and I finally slept last night! I slept more than 3 hours! Yay!!!!! That's been the max sleep I've gotten for the last two weeks. By 3am I have been up for the day! When I woke up at 5:30am this morning I was so happy! I guess mentally I am at peace or closer to peace. Sleep is nice. You don't realize how the lack of sleep affects other parts of your life until you don't sleep. Things are much easier to deal with on a good nights rest. Then again there is another small blessing we have only to look to find. It has been there all along (well sometimes it's there...lol).
I wish you peace in your days and nights.
Amy