Angel Bitsy is 19

Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy. Angel Bitsy turned 19 12/1/10

How I long to touch her hand. To hear her laugh. To smell her perfume. To pick up her laundry...the simple tasks of motherhood seem so profound. Reading a book to a young one on your lap, for the thousandth time. Tucking them back in bed after the umteenth trip for water. Snuggling up after a bad dream. Mending hearts and pride after someones harsh words. Teaching them how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The first school program......Watching them become an independent and beautiful young adult...
So many things we take for granted.
Christmas for me has always been so much fun. Watching the excitement in the eyes of everyone, young and old alike. Christmas is so painful, so much effort now. Hopefully this will change as time marches steadily onward. Daily we go through this life just going through the motions if you will. Not truly living to the fullest. Not loving with all our heart. I feel like I am doing this with Christmas. Can you honestly say you give your heart completely and unconditionally to anything or even more importantly any one? I can! My husband and best friend Tom, my children and my family( yes family is a work in progress.) I still get mad at them but I know nothing will stop my love for them. And I know this sounds crazy sometimes but I do love my God. I still get mad at him too. I know God has given me the strength required to get myself and my family through this journey. Brittany's words are echoed through my mind when I get down. "Mom it could be so much worse." Through all my trials I can see that I am truly blessed. I have the love of my life right here going down this bumpy road with me. This has been a blessing and a curse at times. Sometimes when I want to vent or just cry it's so hard to lay that extra weight on his shoulders. I know he struggles with this also. If I had to choose who would travel this road with me the only choice would be my best friend. The only one who knows me. The only one I trust to look over me in this journey. No judgment. Thank you god for that blessing. Thank you for helping us grow together not apart as I have watched so many do. Thank you for the Angels you placed around me for me to lean on when I feel I cannot take one more step.
When you go through something so painful like losing a child there is a part of grief that no one can prepare you for. You cannot see it coming and you cannot avoid it. I call it the fog. When you know what you need to do or even want to do but you just can't do it. Others who have gone through this journey know it can last for years. I feel I have been on the edge of the fog for a while now. And like they say hind sight is 20/20. I can see the fog from here and how it changes you. Tom is finally starting to see it in himself also. I see glimpses of my husband there. He is coming back. If you have been here you know what I am talking about. The fog or like a friend says "faking it til we make it" robs you of the joy you find in anything. The zest for life, anything that used to bring you joy doesn't. I can see it lifting from my husband and every time I think about it I cry tears of joy.
I look out on this world with different eyes now. I feel like my heart has opened a whole new world to me. It is my duty to share the love I have found with anyone who will listen.
I watched a video today that touched my heart. Thanks CB. It was about how we all have angels with us. I believe we do. If you open your heart the angels will lead you. The Angels will show you the gifts of life no matter how small. But you have to listen with your heart. They are there to guide us if we listen. Life can be confounding in so many ways, and they are our blessing. There for comfort or understanding(from the video). All we have to do is listen and ask. I talk to my Angel quite regularly. We have a great relationship. My Angel never gets angry or discouraged. And my Angel always seems to know what I need.

I hope you will talk to your Angel today. Just say "hello"!And if it touches your heart maybe a "thank You".

Thank You Angel!
Hope you have a blessed Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays
Amy

As I travel down this road we all call life, I am given each day little gifts of joy. Small things that if I am not looking will pass unnoticed. Sometimes as I observe the people and places around me it is hard to maintain the me I let the world see. Why do we all have this self we want to portray to the world? Why is is such a challenge to just be ourselves? Why do we feel we need to hide the real us from the world? If we can only turn away from this ego and turn back to God we see that all that really matters is the love we share.That's what we leave with those we love. It is scary to be the one to love and not jump on the wagon and shut the world out. So many people afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of showing how they care. Afraid of love. Sad really.
I love to just sit and watch the children playing. No adult involvement, just kids and their beautiful imaginations. I have always noticed how boys and girls differ. Even at an early age they just play differently. The girls go about fixing things and making things pretty. The boys are on some adventure or expedition. Children learn what they think the world wants them to do from adults and other children. Wouldn't it be something if we could all just love our selves as we are.Like when we were young and didn't care what the world thought of us. No ego, No fronts, real feelings and real heart. Since Brittany's death I feel like my eyes have been opened on a new vision. I try to look with my heart first. It's not what most adults do. Children do usually. They see the cute little puppy. Its not the mess the dog made ... they see the sweet cute cuddly dog so happy to see them. All we seem to see is the mess.
I read something some where once that this particular writer got up at like 4 every morning to have his time to write. It wasn't always this way . He used to try to write later in the day after work. He would sit down and begin to collect his thoughts and his 4 year old daughter would inevitably come in to talk. He said at first he would get irritated and feel like she was trying to keep him from his work. And one day he realized it wasn't that she wanted to "keep" him from his work. His perspective had changed. She just wanted to spend some quality time with daddy. All the older kids knew not to disturb dad while he was working so she had his undivided attention. That was a way she figured out to get daddy all to herself. She didn't do it maliciously, it was out of pure love she found a way. Love always finds a way. If we let it. If we listen...
With all this talk about childhood cancer over the last weeks it makes it so hard not to dwell in the anger. It is such an awful fate for these families. Cancer is awful as are so many other things in this world. If I look for the gifts things are some what less challenging for me. maybe it's distraction, maybe it's perspective. What ever it may be it has made my journey a little easier. Choosing my battles much wiser now. The peace is much closer when I do. I know that my peace is a gift to be treasured as I know so many without it. Thank you God for granting me this.
In my late night travels across the internet I came across a story written by a survivor, titled the gift of cancer. The writer goes on to lay out how cancer has changed her life and made her aware of things she never had time to notice before. Maybe that is how we can beat cancer. Take away the fear and bring it out into the light so we can forever banish it. If I live my life stressed out and depressed, letting everything upset me I am more likely to get cancer. Stress lets things happen to our bodies that wouldn't otherwise happen. If you take anything from me take this... let it go.. is what you are worried about more important than those you love. I'm not saying give up and be irresponsible. I'm saying don't worry all the time. We all have our worries but how we let them effect us is up to us. Brittany would tell Rose it was her choice to have a good day. No one can make your day bad. You have to let them. or let it.
choose wisely
peace
amy

Would it be easier if she had only been a baby? would a toddler not leave such a void in my life? Forgive my rambling please... Would it have been any easier to not have also lost a friend? We spent countless hours talking in the hospital. lost of days we would just sit and talk with out the TV on. I miss those talks. I miss her opinion. I miss her passion for life. I don't believe it would ever be easier to lose a child. Only different. The pain cuts so deep you cannot imagine how to go on, yet you do.Sometimes I am lost. Some times I have profound clarity.
For those outside my everyday circle. I fractured my right arm about a month ago. I have not been able to run or do yoga the whole time!!!! I am so missing my yoga. I love after a really great practice the peace and clarity i feel. My mind needs the attention. Today has been a hard day. but it is almost over and I know tomorrow will be better. Each day I get closer to healing and peace.
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson
I know I have posted that before but it is for me as well. I need to hear this right now. I need to fuel myself and renew strength.
Thank you for listening
good night
Amy

I miss my friend

I so long to hear her argue with me about some silly little thing. I wish I could hear her get mad and fuss at her daddy for being so hardheaded. 20 months have come and gone without her laughter and without he voice. That is something I have truly come to cherish.Little bits of video that have her voice... Words can be harsh yet just the sound of her voice brings tears so fast I cannot stop them. We miss our baby Bitsy. No parent, no family, no one should endure this pain. I wish I had more of the last year of our time together. To feel your arms around my neck and smell you. The little things hurt the most. I can still smell your baby furs from the day you died. They smelled just like when you were a baby. Just like a freshly bathed newborn. That sweet smell you wish you could drink up.
I miss your eyes, how they sparkled with a smile. So many things I long for just one more of.
I wish I could hear her get steaming mad cause daddy changed her channel. He used to come in and change it to football or something. I can almost hear her fussing. Kind of funny when you think about stuff like this. We always get flustered when the kids fuss and fight. I would give anything to have that back. Arguing with her sisters. Making the remarks as you are leaving the room just so you can almost hear. Little demands happily accommodated just to make her happy.
So many things flooding my mind. My fingers cannot keep up. My heart is breaking again. I have to stop..
goodnight
amy

faking it til we make it...

these are not my words... they are a friends, but they seem to have come from my heart as well. Somethings you can only truly comprehend if you have been through it.
Thank you Rhonda!!!



I tried explaining this to a social worker once and she looked at me like I'd grown 3 heads..She didn't get it and I have often thought that there needs to be a class that we parents give to people explaining how we parents learn to deal with this life....

Faking it until we make it firmly explains how we are and have been dealing with this life for many years now....

We march along...doing all the necessary things...functioning like "normal" people...all the while living with this incredible weight...So, we basically fake it....we fake being like "normal" people...we go out, do things, interact with people..do all the things that society expects of us but it's not real..not really...because inside we are carrying such a heavy burden..it can never leave you..no matter how you try...the fear when they are in treatment..and then pain when they are gone..

So we fake it...

You have to look at more than just the words here....That doesn't mean that all of our interactions with people are fake...that our smiles or laughter is fake..and especially that our love is fake....It just means that we learn to live.....by living....

It simply means that we are hurting....much much more than most people want to hear about or can handle...it is our burden...so we smile and live and function until the pain is a little less and those smiles feel a little less forced..the tears just a little less close to the surface....

We fake it until we make it......

Which is what we are doing now.....we are hurting....we are grieving soo incredibly hard.....but we are living and one day we will make it...one day the pain will be bearable....

Most of us are taught to try to consider life from an others perspective from the time we are very young. To be compassionate, considerate and humble. "Don't judge till you have walked in their shoes." And even then it is not our place to judge. Yet until our life begins to unfold we really do take things for granted. We complain and fuss about how we think things should be. So many times we have to learn the hard way what is really important. We struggle most of our lives trying to create this image of our self. To create this "ideal image" we see in our egocentric mind. Things we think are important to our image. We spend so much energy and effort painting this picture of our self. We don't need to do this! All we should be using our energy for is love. Be our self and love those around us. Love is what people will remember. Our love will outlast our egocentric ways and image. For our ego image is only important in our mind. It will be gone with the last breath we take. Oh if the ego could be banished completely to the darkness. Never to pry itself into the peace. Think of how many times in our lives ego stops us from following our heart, from showing compassion, from showing our love. Yet we find it so hard to brush it away as we should. I try to find the gifts I am given each day and be thankful for them no matter how small. Maybe this is a gift cancer has given me.The gift of seeing. Seeing how things can change and how ego and selfishness can rob every day of the love that should be there. Seeing the small things that add so much to this journey. Allow your heart to lead you and feel the difference in each day. Even in the worst of days there are gifts. I have to keep my eyes and heart open to receive them and be thankful. It is easy to let the bitterness move in and soon it will consume everything around me. I have learned this the hard way also. Unconditional love is the answer..... so hard yet so needed by me and the world. the world around me needs it and I need to give it. My perspective has changed. I can see the hardness that so many people keep in their hearts. They build these walls to protect themselves. If they could only see what they are missing. It doesn't have to be so hard. Call me naive if you will but I do believe in most people there i a good heart. Some have been hardened by life's journey and some choose to be consumed by ego. I believe it is there way down deep. The love is there in us all. We have to choose to accept and share that love. I think that is a gift I have been given by cancer as well. I have chosen to keep my heart open. To let love show me how despite the sorrow my heart feels each hour of every day. I choose to live in love as I know Bitsy would have wanted me to. To revel in the gift of life I have been given. Not to waste one single moment spreading hate or anger. For sometime I let the darkness of negative thoughts get me. Thankfully one of the angels I am blessed with, my oldest daughter, pointed out a different perspective. And since then I tell myself on those particularly hard days to remember what she said. "There is too much hate in the world already momma, don't add any more". I don't want to add any hate. I want to add love.
thank you Lord for my gifts today and everyday
Peace be with you... Amy

Finding peace in the face of our own death must be a gift from above.
Had a long talk with a very dear friend today. She has breast cancer and has chosen not to do chemo and radiation. She was a ICU nurse and chemo would take her only passion away. Now cancer has taken it form her. Unable to do her job because of muscle weakness and fatigue she has let her passion to die. That sounds harsh but that's what it feels like. She is giving all her worldly possessions away. This woman has walked with so many down this road. to some she has been a friend. To some she has been a stranger. She always seemed to see within my soul. She can tell when I need to cry and when I need to talk more to get things out in the open. By helping her heal a relationship with her daughter it has helped me heal. She is moving to Albequerque to be near her only family. I understand that and that is good. I just wish she didn't sound like she is ready to lay down and die today.
As we were talking today I can hear the fear in her voice. I feel the fear. She is a spiritual woman and I know she will be welcomed in to Heaven. Yet there is this fear of the unknown. I shared with her the story I read to Savannah and Rose many times Before Brit died." Water bugs and Dragonflies", Its a sweet story about the waterbugs...they are all so sad when one of them climbs up to the top of a lily pad to rest and never comes back. These few agree to come back. They all promise to come back and tell the others what it was like to sleep on the lily. So the story goes on as one becomes so overwhelmingly tired he must climb to the top of the lily to rest. while he is sleeping changes take place. He becomes a dragonfly. Of course he is still himself. He revels in this new world with his beautiful wings. As he is flying he notices the water bugs down in the water and remembers his promise. He tried to fly down to tell them about this beautiful new world and how they will love it but he bounces off the water. he cannot go down in the water. over and over he tries but finally gives up. Sad he can see them but he cannot tell them he is the same bug. They don't recognize him. He is there but they cannot see.
Is that how it will be. Can they see us but we can't see them. It helps to think they are always here with us watching over us. Bitsy help her to have the peace you did and not be afraid. My friend has in a way been given a gift. She knows her time will soon be over. She knows she must do the things her heart wants NOW. Not wait another minute. We should all live like that. Live like we are dying. Live every minute.
Live today to the fullest. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.