Broken hearted daddy

February 8,2013
On a morning so like today 49 months ago, tears streaming down my face and his,  I watched out the window as a very broken hearted daddy carried our baby girl Bitsy out of this house forever.

Knowing does not make it easier.

Today I don't think anything would make this treacherous path any easier. Sure we think we can prepare ourselves. But really and truly it is no different for our heart. Maybe it is easier for the head. Or maybe we have heard that knowing makes easier so we convince our ego it is.
Time may dull the pain temporarily. But it does not remove the deep sorrow, the darkness. That sorrow that lay in wait, waiting for the opportunity. Waiting to grab you when you think you have everything in control. When you think you are finally stronger than it is. There, just waiting to consume me.

Perspective, so many times I  think about how a small change in perspective can make a profound change in the way we see things. I often refer to  this devastating sorrow as darkness. It feels dark, it looks dark through my eyes. It is cold and empty, hollow. Sometimes it seems there is no end, no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I am rescued from this vast darkness by something so tiny. Something that allows me to turn away from the darkness. A flame of hope bringing light into the darkness. Something that changes my perspective.

Maybe I am not looking at the darkness through the right eyes. Maybe there too I can change my outlook by simply changing my perspective.  Maybe the darkness isn't trying to consume me. Maybe the darkness is there to strengthen me, Maybe the darkness is like the winter, my winter.

Winter can be crazy here in East Tennessee. Some days are really cold and some can be spring like. The hardest thing for me here are the stacked days of no sun at all. They can come one after the other for what seems to be weeks at a time . Rainy, dreary days that make everything require so much more effort.  Days of cold that don't make it above freezing. When those days are sunny I love the cold. The ones that are cloudy and wet chill us to the core. It seems there is no place on earth warm enough to banish this cold feeling deep inside. Yet even on those days nature is there rejoicing in some way. The mockingbird out my window sings like it is spring. Calling to the sun to bring back it's warm rays. The beautiful colors of nature don't hide even in this cold. The flaming red cardinals and the Blue Jays are there out my window promising spring will come soon. They make me smile and think of springs from the past. I think of what I will plant this year, what new plant will I try to grow. Then I start that mental project list Tom so avoids. And somehow these thoughts warm me.

Winter is a time most of us draw into family and self. We slow down, we relax a bit. We do things that we don't make time for when the sun is warm and bright. A good rainy day is much easier for me to devote to housework than a sunny one. When it's warm and sunny I want to get things done and be out in the warmth. Maybe that's what I have not been seeing. Maybe my winter is needed to strengthen my roots like it does the beautiful flowers. The flowers and trees, all plants use the winter to rebuild, to produce the blooms and fruit for the coming season. Maybe this darkness that I feel always waiting isn't there to smother me but nurture me. Maybe it is there to help me heal. To give me that much needed time to just breathe. To strengthen me for what life holds for me. To nourish my soul like a flower waiting for spring. So my soul may blossom and brighten the world like the flowers do. Happy and cheerful, bringing joy to all around them.
It is hard to allow myself to surrender to the darkness. To surrender this facade of strength that I have grown to wear so well. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can cry. I can let go and be vulnerable. I will be stronger still by allowing the winter to nourish me. Maybe that is why this winter of darkness has been following me for so long. Following me in warm weather and cold. Maybe all along she has been trying to show me all along that she is there for me, not to get me. Maybe there is someone out there that will need me to be strong. Winter must know I need to replenish and refuel.
I will try to look at this darkness of my winter and think about her as a friend. It will be hard to change my thinking Im sure. I am going to try. I feel better about it already. I will allow myself to rest and replenish so that I may blossom and flourish in the beautiful light ahead.

Only in the Dever house can we accomplish three tank catastrophes in one weekend.

There separate fish/turtle tanks demolished. No less than 10 gallons of water on the floor. All in one room. Joyously there were no fatalities other than the tanks themselves.

You have to hear this story. If you are friend or family and you know Rose you will really get a laugh.

Rose, being the independent child she is. Yes, I know she gets that from me... could not wait to move the Beta. The beta she has kept happily in a 1 gallon tank for the last 2 years.

There is a jar in her school office that has a beta with a live plant in it. I think the call it a lily garden tank.

Sometime Friday Rose decided she would move her Beta to a vase like that. They are really pretty. The round glass really makes the fish look great.

Fast forward...
beta out of tank...
New 10 gallon tank(for turtle, this was planned) on floor half full of water ...
Me "Rose you can't fill the vase with all tap water. We don't have the tank safe stuff. You will kill him with the chlorine. Get some water from the pond and only use a quarter of tap water"
Rose" ok"
about 45 minutes pass
Rose, hysterically crying " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me "what broke?", I had forgotten about the move beta was making.
Rose " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me "WHAT BROKE?"
Rose " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me, getting upset, dropping a stack of books ( knee deep in a major clean out of the attic and bonus room) " WHAT BROKE ROSE?"
Rose " the Vase, I dropped it."
Me" Its ok he can go back in the tank"
Me, walking in to her room to find that both the vase and the tank are broken "what happened?"
Rose " I was trying to use the turtle tank water to fill the vase and it slipped out of my hands"

Needless to say she was holding the vase over the turtle tank when she dropped it so the vase dropped into the turtle tank shattering the bottom and allowing all the turtle water to soak into the carpet.
Rose's carpet had a nice spot with glass and fish rocks, and water. to wet to vacuum. so it sat there last night with another small tank weighting down a stack of towels.

tank 1 and 2 total loss

Today,

Loud thud,
Shouting...
Rose"it's your fault, you made me drop it!"
Savannah, half laughing, "I didn't even touch you"
Rose"you were in my way"
Savannah"no I wasn't"
slamming door and thumping down the stairs...
Rose, wet hair, shirt and jeans, red mad face" Savannah made me drop the other one!"
Me"What? The new one? "
Rose" yes!"
Me"You are kidding?"
Rose, very mad, "no"

I go up to the room and Savannah meets me on the stairs laughing. This making Rose madder. "Mom Rose dropped the new bowl and the water exploded all up over her!" Laughing more.

Rose dropped the bowl she had just bought at the fish store, it hit the floor and all the water shot straight up into her face. The bowl survived!  However the water is on the carpet in a different part of the room than the water yesterday. This was clean water thankfully. And again Beta escaped by sunning in the window while his house was going places.

Tank 3 survived!

Well, I guess my rest break is over. Just felt the need to share. I still have to get ready for my classes this week. Cleaning the carpet will be a must this week also. This purging my house of the stuff we have accumulated over the last few years feels great. I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. I haven't gotten to Brittany's things yet. I know I will and I know it will be hard. But I know we will get through it. It might take a while, memories are hard to escape when you look at her things. But the good memories outnumber the bad. I am working on keeping it that way too!

Hope you are enjoying warmer weather as we are. Even rainy, at least its warm.

Peace and Light
Amy

I feel have neglected my thoughts.  
It is hard to believe it has been a year since my last post. 
The last year has been good for the most part.

I guess I am getting better at pushing those sad moments from my  days.
They are there, but I am choosing to keep the happy memories with me daily. I try to combat the masses of darkness by surrounding them with the light. The memories that make me smile or chuckle silently. Sometimes I even share and we all laugh. 
I think that is important too . Share the happy memories too. Maybe that has helped  our friends and neighbors are be more comfortable sharing their memories with us. It really helps my heart to know they haven't forgotten. They do think about her too.

 We celebrated Bitsy's 21st birthday with our family of friends. Friends that have been there more than family. Our family is so spread out we have made our own family here close to us. And they have been a wonderful support system. Always there to listen, no words needed. There to cry with us and not be afraid to let it show. 

Don't we all wish there were magic words. Words of wisdom that would instantly stop the pain, for ourselves or for others.
 There are no magic words. Nothing really dulls the pain. It does get easier. But the pain is always there, waiting like a vulture. Waiting to attack when it senses weakness, when you least expect it.

With the New Year come hopes, plans, and dreams of doing things the way we feel we "should". Things we think will make our life easier or happier.  Things that will change our daily routine to make us healthier. Eat less, exercise more, have more patience, keep my house cleaner and accumulate less clutter. 
All of these things are nice . All of these things might make every day a bit less stressful for most. 

This year I will write more, It really feels good to my heart. I will cherish my family even more. I will share the love and joy I find in every day with all that I can. I will show more compassion and help my girls be more compassionate too.  I will pay it forward and do those random kind things. I will help more total strangers in their struggles. I will show those around me that love is all around us if we open our eyes.
Yes my resolutions include the typical,  more Yoga,  more exercise,  eat healthier,  cook healthier,  less clutter,  save more$$,  more organization...
The list could go on and on...
But when you commit to make these changes remember our family and remember life is a gift to be cherished, not taken for granted. 
Consider your choices. How will the effect those around me? How will they make the life of someone besides mine better? Does this say to those around me what I want it to? Am I being truly compassionate in this? 

The shooting at Sandy Hook breaks everyones heart. The pain of losing a child is like no other. My heart goes out to all those families.  Let that encourage you to make the positive changes in your life today. 
I believe most people are truly good at heart. Maybe I am naive, but thats what I believe. I also know it is much harder to do the right thing. It is much easier to follow the crowd. Most of us at one time or another have witnessed something we could have dramatically changed the outcome of with just a few words.  Don't take the easy road and follow the crowd, or look the other way.  Be the one that changes things. Stand up for what is right.
Once you stand up for the weaker one once you will do it again. And hopefully they will have a chance to stand up for someone too. Helping others is the closest thing to magic words or wisdom for pain. Reach out to help those around you and your heart heals bit by bit. 
 All I ask is that you think about it.
 Is this your last chance?


4 years ago today you beat the beast called Slivia(aka cancer). You escaped it's terribly painful clutches. 

You were set free.
Free to discover all the wonders we here bound to Earth cannot even begin to understand. 

The Earth is a much darker, bleaker place without your beautiful soul.

We know you are better and happy you no longer have to struggle for each and every moment. We know you are here with us and will not forget. Our hearts struggle with the dark sorrow each and everyday. Oh, for one more hug or kiss. Just to hear your voice...

Rest in peace sweet Angel Bitsy

Peace and Light to you all,
Amy

Maybe the earth is sad with me today.


It is gloomy and sad out side
The sun tries to see, and warm up the moment, but the clouds  quickly rush it  back to its hiding place behind them. Where I cannot feel the warmth on my face. I know it's there and I long for its warmth and the strength I feel with it. 


Almost as if nature is telling me it's okay to be sad.


 Sometimes it helps to let it go. It is not something I like to do, but I am learning I need to cry sometimes. To stop faking it and really feel all this sorrow and pain. Like I've said before, crying can be cleansing sometimes. Cleansing like a spring rain. 
 Sometimes I find new strength after I let go.


 I am hoping this will be one of those times. I feel I need renewal and strength at this moment.

Things are going along as they should, I just feel drained. 


Maybe its the holidays.... they do seem to have a draining quality.


Throughout the last few days I keep going over those last days... I re read my journal and look back through pictures of our last Christmas with our sweet Angel Bitsy. 


Funny...
 As I typed Sweet Angel Bitsy,
 I thought about all of us thinking she could be so difficult in that last year. She knew what she wanted and she would not hesitate to tell you. 


She got convinced one time that we hadn't given her medicine and she was really mad that we were with holding it from her. We are talking Chemo medicine too. She thought we were not giving her the Chemo medicine. 
I laugh and cry now but at the time it was very hard to deal with. I remember bringing them all to her and showing her how many there were. Going through the whole process of counting and looking at the calendar to convince her she had taken it. 
It wasn't too long after that that mentally she began to decline. Things were easier then as she was much sweeter and loving. Her words and looks softened. Even the tone of her voice was softer. 
I wish I could hear her voice again. Not video or recording. I just would love to hear hear say " I love you mommy". I won't say just one more time because that would not be enough.  I want to hear it over and over again. And then I would love to feel her frail arms around my neck. Oh how I wish I could have held on so tightly So many longings I have buried away in this deep and broken heart. To many to count. Each day brings new ones. 


The love a parent has for their children grows with every breath, so do the dreams. 


Do you think they would arrest me if I shook the next parent being less than kind or even just not looking out for their child. 
I know many people have said children are a gift. So many sad people don't get this. They really don't understand how fragile life can be. How fleeting.  I just want to sweep the child away to an unseen place only for long enough for the parent to catch a glimps of the pain caused by this loss. 
Is that wrong. 
I want to help them see the gift they have been given. 
I talk with young mothers everyday that are soooooo stressed. I know their stress I was a young mother too. I hope they can see through me that children are to be cherished. 


While teaching a class at an addiction recovery center before Christmas one mom had her hands full. Toddler and a 4 month old. Toddler need attention and so did baby. I was done with cooking so I seized the opportunity to borrow this little angel.  Spent the next hour talking with 7 young mothers about ways to de-stress their lives and their kids and in turn learn to be more loving mothers.


 Ok so class went a bit long that day...


 Children do feel parents stress. Baby was screaming when I got her, but quickly quieted. To hold this precious little gift in my arms healed my heart. Of course looking up with those beautiful eyes helps too. I guess I don't mind being the oldest mom anymore... Well maybe just the more experienced one... 
A baby sleeping in your arms is a gift in itself.


Did I say I love my job? I truly do.


Thank you to all of you who helped me remember a true passion, teaching. 


Maybe this is one of the reasons God has shown me the path through the loss of our Angel Brittany. Maybe only through this pain can I know how to make them understand and make a change in their lives. Changes for the lives of their children. 


I miss you terribly Brittany. Do a mothers arms ache for her lost love forever? I'm guessing they do. I know you are safe and warm and have the knowledge you yearned for. You are not sick or in pain. It doesn't make it any easier for us here with out you. But I know I would not want you to be here suffering. I know we will see you again some day. 


Heaven has been brighter because you are there for three years today.  One second it doesn't seem possible, the next second feels like an eternity. 


I remember and often share the wise words you used to tell us.
 I will choose to have a good day!




Love and peace to all my earthbound angels. 
Thank you to all other Angels


Amy

Changes

Fall has always been a favorite season for me.
 I guess I find it hard to really dislike any season entirely.

 I love the cold of winter.
The snow and ice can be so incredibly beautiful.
The lazy days snuggled up with family or a good book.
I do tire of the bleak days with limited sunlight if any.

 Spring brings a rebirth of the Earth.
 And renewed strength for me with the promise of more sunny days on the way.

Maybe I will escape this constant cold for a brief moment in the warm spring sunlight.
 As summer brings all it's glory and warmth I am reminded of summers past at almost every step.
 Summer is such a big part of childhood. Years are measured by summer and Christmas by most children it seems.
 As summer comes to a close it seems I am again drawn to family memories and what can never be.
       Lost potential ...

 Maybe it is the work I must do emotionally to prepare myself for the season and holidays to come.

 Maybe somewhere in these painful but sweet memories I am healing.

           Maybe I am learning to find my way out of this dark dark sorrow.

 As I sit here letting the memories flood my heart and mind. I can't help but let the tears flow I'm sure you know...

 I remembered our family trip to the "Trail of Doom".
 It's a corn maze near us. They have a haunted maze and an ghoul free maze. We found our way through the ghoul free maze first. We went on a hayride and picked our pumpkins.That was fun enough and the haunted maze was opening since it was just getting dark. I think Rose was 4, Savannah 7 Brittany was in 8th grade and Amber would have been a junior. If you know me, you know I think children should be prepared for the world as it is.. SCARY and all. As long as bad dreams aren't following them I think it's okay to expose my kids to scary things. I knew this maze was safe. A good scare now and then helps you learn to laugh at your fears. Heck I love scaring the little buggers! They have learned how to get even with me in the same way.

 Okay, back to the story.... So we as a family group, literally a huddle, begin our journey into the "Trail of Doom" as you walk thru the maze you happen upon scary creachers of every sort. Alien and otherwise. So I guess we were about half way through the maze when a chainsaw bearing "Jason" walked out of the corn behind us! Before this Amber had been bringing up the rear of our huddle. Amber rushed past me shoving me, who happened to be carrying Rose, into the corn!
 So picture this I can't use my hands to help myself up because Rose is clinging to my neck with all her might, The Looking over my shoulder she whispers"run mommy run". As I struggle to get up out of this "row" we have made into the corn the "monster" helps us up as the rest of the family keeps running...We did eventually emerge from the Trail of Doom unharmed, well most of us anyway.....

Family memories can be energizing for me at times and at others they can be so completely draining I don't know how to move on. I wish I had more video. I have started taking more... of the everyday kind of memories too.

I hope you all have a blessed Christmas.

Please add the Martin family to your prayers. Kyle might not make it through Christmas. Pray for the gift of peace for his wife and children. He is only 42. I won't say that's too young for cancer because any age is too young for cancer as far as I am concerned.

love and prayers

Amy

This Is from several months ago. I didn't realize I never posted it...

Okay tears, okay darkness It's your turn...
 I need some rest from this mask of strength...
                     this faking it...
 I will not stay here.

 Bitsy would not like it!

 The quiet of the morning is sometimes too much...
 When I can do yoga or exercise it strengthens me.
                   Right now that is not the case.
 Not much real exercise of any type and it's feeding those monkeys super food!
 Getting old stinks!
 Youth is wasted on the young..
. someone reminded me of that the other day, how true...
. At least the youthful healing and energy in some cases...
 we should heal faster as we age not slower!
 I had been running for months again, slowly increasing my mileage...
 looking forward to being able to run with Tom again and him not have to get a second work out after running with me...

 I miss our runs...

 I was swimming and doing Yoga so I wouldn't hurt myself, push too hard...
                          and then my elbow started acting up, not the one I broke, the other one...
 soooo I tried doing less Yoga, more swimming,
                      then it hurt to swim so guess where I ended up...
                                     running....
 
 was doing okay, didn't hurt too bad,
    then one run I had what I thought was a really intense cramp in my low calf,
 I limped through the rest of my run, it took a week or so for the pain to let off enough that I could run...

 Silly Me!

 I had pulled my soleus muscle, that in turn made my body do what they are so wonderful at doing...

 compensating!

 That caused my shin splints to get really bad really fast...

 stress fracture...!

 but did I listen to these whispers to slow down?
                                  Of course not, not me, I'll just run easier....

            Ha!

 When you don't listen to the whispers,
 Life WILL start throwing bricks!

 And trust me her aim is dead on.

 So here I sit going slowly out of my mind in this beautiful boot!

 since the middle of August and for another month at least Tom calls me Ahab!

 He says he imagines laying in a hammock below deck listening to my clunk, step, clunk. All this aside we are doing well.

 Amber is finishing up her senior cross country season and doing better than ever.
Studying hard and working on getting into UT's Accelerated Nursing Program after graduation in May.

So we may have her home for a while after graduation. Zach is still sweet as ever. Hopefully accepted to the Police Academy in Anderson. Did the test and physical, now wait to hear. Still working hard coaching and getting his training business off and running. Doing a great job at it also!

 Savannah is finishing her first cross country season.Has done awesome! Not sure she will run this week, she jammed a few toes on Monday. She is up and around, takes way to much to keep her off them feet, guess she gets it honest.Doing well in school too. So proud of her hard work. She is in Drama and Drama Club and loves it! Our house may not live through this "Drama awakening" Homework has been heavy this year! But still keeping A's and B's!

 Rose is running cross country as well, and loving it! I think she has Amber's middle school records in her sights.Gymnastics is in full, swing doing awesome of course. She is so much like Tom it is crazy, expects nothing less than perfection in everything! She can be so hard on her self. Her friend Caroline was over last week. They were out on the trampoline doing back handsprings or something. Caroline would do one then Rose and then Rose would grumble about how that was not right, not this or that. Talking about herself. Caroline said" listen to Rose, she does a perfect one and doesn't like it. Me, I am doing the one that needs work!"
 As I said in my last post Tom is back out there running. Racing now. First place a few weeks ago in the" Dam hard Challenge" at Norris Dam State Park. That's where he runs most of the time anyway. Had a funny/scary run a week or so ago. Picture this.... Big sign, he said he didn't remember seeing it before. But didn't feel the need to stop and read it... He has never been a sign reader, that's why I'm the navigator when we travel! Okay, so he had been running the trails in the watershed for maybe 10 minutes or so(2 miles at least) when he hears this deep country voice call out to him" Ya better be careful fella, it's deer huntin season ya know" He said he looked around and it took a few seconds to find this hunter in his tree stand rifle in hand! Ok! so he thought I'm at the top now, I have to go down either way. Just hope I can get the heck out of here alive. All the way through the rest of the trail hunters would call out to him and warn him! He said it was crazy how large some of the scopes were! like the size of dinner plates! So many out there in their tree stands he saw. I wonder how many more he didn't see. So "deer huntin season" is over we think but he has been running other parks just in case. Crazy man I love! No wonder I am insane too!

 33 months ago our borrowed angel was called home. This morning when I was awake, when no one should be, I thought about all the people who have been there to lend a hand.
 Thank you!
 As I lay there letting the monkeys guide me through this painful journey it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Some moments pass so slowly and some are fleeting. Days are easier for the most part, some still very hard. No rhyme or reason for the difference most of the time. Just still some are hard. The hard ones seem to be harder now but not as often. Finding this new normal continues as I know it will forever. I still question when will I know why, if ever.
 God please show me the way through this valley.
      How I long to be on the mountain top with a clear view of all that lies ahead I know you have laid out              the perfect path.
 Guide my steps.
 Help me surrender and be led.
 Help me allow my heart to open and see your direction.
 Give me the strength as I know only you can, to lead and be led.
 Open my eyes and heart to the blessings I am given every day.
 Bless all those walking this long and painful journey.
 Bless those helping me everyday on my journey.
                       Show me the way to be your light in this path.
 In Jesus name I pray Amen

 A blessing I share with Amber was brought out into the light this week.
 Its a beautiful song
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezf3e44rRI0&noredirect=1

 its called Long Time Traveler these are the words

 These fleeting charms of earth Farewell,
your springs of joy are dry
My soul now seeks another home
 A brighter world on high
 I'm a long time traveling here below
I'm a long time traveling away from home
I'm a long time traveling here below
To lay this body down

 Farewell kind friends whose tender care
 Has long engaged my love
 Your fond embrace I now exchange For better friends above
 I'm a long time traveling here below
 I'm a long time traveling away from home
 I'm a long time traveling here below
To lay this body down...


 We both have discovered this song individually.
 Somehow brings us both peace with the sadness.

 Beautiful voices and words.

I know she was not here long.

 Not long enough for us but long enough to touch so many lives.

Long enough to touch our hearts and the hearts of those around her.

 Thank you for remembering us in your prayers...

 We joined The Curesearch walk here in Knoxville in September with a team Bitsy's bows.

 We did great!
Thank you to every one who helped us.
 We were in 2nd place until the morning of the race. Ended up in 4th for fund raising. A great effort by all! The walk raised 31k for Curesearch!

If you remember that's the cards Britt put with her bows when she gave them out.
 I'm sure she would be proud!
 Thank you for remembering Bitsy.

 It hurts to think she is forgotten.

 She was and still is part of our life.

 Don't be afraid to mention her name.
 Don't be afraid to share a memory.
 The bittersweet sorrow is an important part of healing for all of us and you also

. Life is fleeting.

Tomorrow is not a guarantee.

 Love now... Share now...

 Love and peace, Amy

The blessings in my life far out weigh the burdens.

As I sat in prayer this morning…

A moment of clarity vanquished the monkeys for just long enough. So much time I spend dismissing these crazy monkeys. The crazy things they say, just stirring up trouble with my heart and my head. They are truly the devils work.

They try to convince me “I” am in control and I should do this or that.

The ones that say “don’t get involved it will be too hard”…
The selfish ones that say, “what’s in it for us?” or “why should we?”

Maybe you don’t call them monkeys.

That’s my name for my ego, or I call it my “stinkin thinking brain.”


As I was sitting there in total awe of everything around me, I thought about the trials we have been through.
I won’t go into them all here my blessings are too many to count.

The two that smacked me in the back of the head today sent those monkeys running for the hills.

I have been blessed with the most incredible love!

Truly the love of my life….

I cannot imagine life with out my husband, my best friend,

aside from being an awesome daddy, friend and person in general. 

He can make me maddest in a split second. Then turn it around and have me laughing so hard I can’t breathe. He is so stubborn that sometimes I want to just shake him. Then he can do the smallest thing to melt my heart all over again.

Fine line of Love and Hate no doubt…

I remember thinking more than 25 years ago…
the couple leading our “engaged encounter” was crazy…

“soul mates” what a silly thing…

Yes I loved this man I was going to marry, but really?...

that was just mushy stuff…

I heard people say loved changed over the years and I figured it did.

How could some stay in love and others grow apart?

I know God knew what his plans were for us. I know he knew we would need this love to lean on through this trial.
We would need the laughter to go with the tears.

The over whelming joy to lead us out of the unbearable sadness…

The friendship to help us walk together ahead of the chasing darkness, and sometimes run…

Parenthood is a blessing is uncountable ways. Sure, there are the headaches and the tribulations. Our journey has to go through some rough patches. Where would we be with out trials?
Who would we be?

I have been blessed with this awesome love and had part of my heart forever ripped away.

If you have children, you have been in that moment where you realize this…
You think you cannot love anyone as much as you do your spouse or significant other. The one you will always love more than any other. Then this little needy bundle comes and makes your heart grow with even more love each second. It’s not that you love any one less but your heart grows more than you thought could ever happen.

More children… more love….
Our hearts are so able to grow and love more even when we think it is not possible.

Just like the ability of our heart to continue beating and loving while being ripped apart.

Thank you God for my blessings and my clarity this morning. Thank you for allowing me to know the beauty of this love and see the smallest of blessings. Help me to share your love and mine. Help me to be an example of your love in everything I do.
Amen

Gratitude is sometimes painful for me. I begin each day by thanking God for everything he has given me and for the strength to be where I am.

Lately this is a new sword in my heart.
Please pray for my strength.

I know I am blessed.
Those crazy monkeys start asking “why us” and “why her?”

They will go off on some tangent as to why I deserved this pain. What I have done wrong in my life. My sins. I swear they‘re just lying in wait, rallying their forces, ready for the split second I pray,” thank you lord for all you have given me.”

I have always believed if we ask “why me” when something bad happens we should also ask “why me” when the good things happen.

Still it is hard. I don’t know weather its anger or pain, I guess it’s both. I haven’t had a “mad at God” spell for some time… I don’t like anger. I know if I would just face it, it will go away faster. There go those monkeys again trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.
Goodbye Monkeys!

We are all doing well. Amber is getting ready to go back to school. I can hardly believe she is a senior! Working on her plans for grad school... Nursing or Public Health were the last two majors I heard. She is looking for an accelerated nursing program.

Savannah is blossoming so fast. Really got that middle school girl stuff going on. Lord help us! She is such a flirt! Changing and maturing so much so fast. I don’t the way they grow up right in front of you.

Rose is doing great also. Still doing gymnastics… Still loving it and still a perfectionist!
Getting ready for 4th grade.

Wow I am getting old… at least Tom is older.
His knee is totally healed and he is back to running ridiculous amounts. But now he is doing the gym also. 

I love my job with UT! This is another of my blessings. Healing for my heart and soul to help young families EVERY DAY! I’m back at running and yoga.

Life is finding a new normal for us.

We all have our bad moments but are muddling our way through together…

Love and peace to you all