Sometimes we need to cry."Tears can wash away the haze and when the tears are gone we see the world with new eyes." Spring rain seems to feel the same way.It washes the earth and everything looks new and fresh again. With the rebirth of everything that comes with spring I long for renewed strength. Spring will flood our senses with beauty and freshness. The flowers and trees are so ready for the steady warmth of the sun just as I am. Maybe this will be the year the cold will leave for good. It has gotten better over the last few weeks and then it returned. Although in thinking back maybe it is only the fact that I have been so busy. It must have been there but I didn't even notice because I was occupied with more important things.
So much racing through my head today and for the last few weeks. I can't seem to find the time to lose myself in these memories and thoughts. Yet I know this cold will remain ever present until I let the tears wash my eyes and release the vice of sorrow that holds my heart so tightly these days. The vice that has total control and seems at every chance to be intent on consuming my life with this darkness. You would think I would have learned by now to just let the tears come and go. Still that wonderful thing we call ego assumes control. I deny them again and again only for them to rally the forces and bring me to my knees once again.
And then I am reminded that sometimes life knows where we should be even when we think otherwise. Life, God, knows we need to slow down and things happen so we do. It has been a hard week for many around us and my prayers have gone out continuously for those families. How do you fill the emptiness in your arms that the loss of a child of any age leaves? I wish I knew the magic cure. I know from my own trials that every step is different some easier than others. You think things are going to be easier and something brings all the pain to the surface. Like it was right there all the while. It seems that time doesn't change this. The pain will always be there lying in wait. Even though we have been through the loss of a child I don't have magic words to help with the pain for another parent. My heart breaks. But I know words cannot even come close... J my arms ache with you and your family. Some days it is comforting to know we were chosen to host these precious angels. And then there are the days I am so mad at God I think why would he do such things to his "angels".
“Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength.” Ovid

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

Peace for your days
Amy

Some days before I even open my eyes are days I know will be a battle. Days I know not to look anyone in the eye. Days I hope I can avoid all conversation. Days I just hope to fake it through. I long for conversation and still I cannot get away quickly enough. I hate to be alone on these days but I seem to have no patience or tolerance on these days. My mind wanders and tears come so easily. This shell I use to protect myself crumbles at the least little thing. Poor soul who politely asks " How have you been?". I feel bad but don't have the strength to explain, hopefully they will forgive me for the tears. On these days I don't feel I can bear this weight, this sorrow, forever. By dinner time my eyes sting from the tears that have bathed them all day.
I wonder what Heaven will be like. Will all our loved ones be there waiting? Will they know we are on the way? Will they be the age the were when they left us? Or will they have grown as we have. Maybe they will be exactly as when they departed this life. So many questions death leaves on our heart and minds. And just think this body as we know it will never know the answers....
Birthdays are always a family event. Birthdays always make difficult days. Today is not a birthday but it is a birthday party. Again my mind journeys back through the past. Remembering birthdays when Amber and Brittany were young. How things are different for the younger two and how they are the same. I remember Brittany's 5th bday party. Nicholas, her best friend, cried the whole party because they weren't 4 together any more. They couldn't be twins now. She tried to console him to no avail. That makes me laugh now, but it was sad. As families grow and children leave the nest it changes. They are there to share with even though not at home.
I want an address! I could up load pictures and send them to her. I know she is here with us but sometimes I think it would make me feel better if I could send her an email or something. A freakin phone call would be nice!
So much to share with her siblings. How would they be different because of having her in their life longer.
Days like today remind me that I need to do more yoga!

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beautiful Snow

As I sit here this morning in my uncomfortably quiet house... all the girls back at school. I find myself falling into memories of holidays past. Holidays are hectic! This year things were a bit easier. Some days were a struggle and some were not. I am glad they are past.
I was thinking about how much the girls love to play out in the snow. On Wednesday afternoon it started snowing about 3:30. By 7 we had about two inches. We still had school on Thursday, most of the snow had gone. It was a really beautiful snow. Stuck to every branch. As the sunlight faded it looked like a beautiful painting. Every branch and limb hung heavy with this wet snow. The evergreens look even more majestic than usual in the bleak winter landscape of east Tennessee. So peaceful. It made me think of our brief time with Angel Bitsy. So awe inspiring yet so brief. Snow flakes are so powerful in numbers and so fragile alone. I guess that's kind of how angel babies are. We need to nurture them and protect them. All the while we think we are the strong ones, and then we learn the real strength is them. My heart hurts to think you have been gone from us for two years tomorrow. In one moment it feels like an eternity and in the next I can't believe it has been that long.
I think my neighbors think I am crazy. I love to sit out in the falling snow. A quiet peace blankets the earth as the snow blankets the ground. Silently it covers all the ugly and turns the once brown and muddy ground to a beautiful and bright scene. Maybe I feel closer to heaven, maybe I can hide the tears. No one thinks twice about a red face or stuffy nose when you are out side in the cold.
So many times I am awed by the glory of things around us. And that tremendous joy can be shattered by the harshness of this cruel world just as I see the splendor. Snow seems to sooth my soul. The cold I feel is justified momentarily. Sometimes I feel I can never escape this cold. In the snow I don't even feel the need to try. Funny how the strangest things can bring a glimpse of comfort to a broken heart. Snow seems to make time stand still some times. Snow can force the world to stop. Even if only for a split second, it does. Maybe that's why I find comfort here. As hard as I try, the world marches ever forward dragging me along,ready or not.

"What is essential is invisible to the eye" from the Little Prince.
how true.... So much we have to learn from this life. So much that we carry in our hearts. Can you count the life lessons that show? I've often remind myself that I am who I am because of my journey. How can I be sure to teach my children this when they cannot really see or touch it. I am trying to live by example. I only hope they will see what is unseen in my heart and know.

Angel Bitsy is 19

Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy. Angel Bitsy turned 19 12/1/10

How I long to touch her hand. To hear her laugh. To smell her perfume. To pick up her laundry...the simple tasks of motherhood seem so profound. Reading a book to a young one on your lap, for the thousandth time. Tucking them back in bed after the umteenth trip for water. Snuggling up after a bad dream. Mending hearts and pride after someones harsh words. Teaching them how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The first school program......Watching them become an independent and beautiful young adult...
So many things we take for granted.
Christmas for me has always been so much fun. Watching the excitement in the eyes of everyone, young and old alike. Christmas is so painful, so much effort now. Hopefully this will change as time marches steadily onward. Daily we go through this life just going through the motions if you will. Not truly living to the fullest. Not loving with all our heart. I feel like I am doing this with Christmas. Can you honestly say you give your heart completely and unconditionally to anything or even more importantly any one? I can! My husband and best friend Tom, my children and my family( yes family is a work in progress.) I still get mad at them but I know nothing will stop my love for them. And I know this sounds crazy sometimes but I do love my God. I still get mad at him too. I know God has given me the strength required to get myself and my family through this journey. Brittany's words are echoed through my mind when I get down. "Mom it could be so much worse." Through all my trials I can see that I am truly blessed. I have the love of my life right here going down this bumpy road with me. This has been a blessing and a curse at times. Sometimes when I want to vent or just cry it's so hard to lay that extra weight on his shoulders. I know he struggles with this also. If I had to choose who would travel this road with me the only choice would be my best friend. The only one who knows me. The only one I trust to look over me in this journey. No judgment. Thank you god for that blessing. Thank you for helping us grow together not apart as I have watched so many do. Thank you for the Angels you placed around me for me to lean on when I feel I cannot take one more step.
When you go through something so painful like losing a child there is a part of grief that no one can prepare you for. You cannot see it coming and you cannot avoid it. I call it the fog. When you know what you need to do or even want to do but you just can't do it. Others who have gone through this journey know it can last for years. I feel I have been on the edge of the fog for a while now. And like they say hind sight is 20/20. I can see the fog from here and how it changes you. Tom is finally starting to see it in himself also. I see glimpses of my husband there. He is coming back. If you have been here you know what I am talking about. The fog or like a friend says "faking it til we make it" robs you of the joy you find in anything. The zest for life, anything that used to bring you joy doesn't. I can see it lifting from my husband and every time I think about it I cry tears of joy.
I look out on this world with different eyes now. I feel like my heart has opened a whole new world to me. It is my duty to share the love I have found with anyone who will listen.
I watched a video today that touched my heart. Thanks CB. It was about how we all have angels with us. I believe we do. If you open your heart the angels will lead you. The Angels will show you the gifts of life no matter how small. But you have to listen with your heart. They are there to guide us if we listen. Life can be confounding in so many ways, and they are our blessing. There for comfort or understanding(from the video). All we have to do is listen and ask. I talk to my Angel quite regularly. We have a great relationship. My Angel never gets angry or discouraged. And my Angel always seems to know what I need.

I hope you will talk to your Angel today. Just say "hello"!And if it touches your heart maybe a "thank You".

Thank You Angel!
Hope you have a blessed Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays
Amy

As I travel down this road we all call life, I am given each day little gifts of joy. Small things that if I am not looking will pass unnoticed. Sometimes as I observe the people and places around me it is hard to maintain the me I let the world see. Why do we all have this self we want to portray to the world? Why is is such a challenge to just be ourselves? Why do we feel we need to hide the real us from the world? If we can only turn away from this ego and turn back to God we see that all that really matters is the love we share.That's what we leave with those we love. It is scary to be the one to love and not jump on the wagon and shut the world out. So many people afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of showing how they care. Afraid of love. Sad really.
I love to just sit and watch the children playing. No adult involvement, just kids and their beautiful imaginations. I have always noticed how boys and girls differ. Even at an early age they just play differently. The girls go about fixing things and making things pretty. The boys are on some adventure or expedition. Children learn what they think the world wants them to do from adults and other children. Wouldn't it be something if we could all just love our selves as we are.Like when we were young and didn't care what the world thought of us. No ego, No fronts, real feelings and real heart. Since Brittany's death I feel like my eyes have been opened on a new vision. I try to look with my heart first. It's not what most adults do. Children do usually. They see the cute little puppy. Its not the mess the dog made ... they see the sweet cute cuddly dog so happy to see them. All we seem to see is the mess.
I read something some where once that this particular writer got up at like 4 every morning to have his time to write. It wasn't always this way . He used to try to write later in the day after work. He would sit down and begin to collect his thoughts and his 4 year old daughter would inevitably come in to talk. He said at first he would get irritated and feel like she was trying to keep him from his work. And one day he realized it wasn't that she wanted to "keep" him from his work. His perspective had changed. She just wanted to spend some quality time with daddy. All the older kids knew not to disturb dad while he was working so she had his undivided attention. That was a way she figured out to get daddy all to herself. She didn't do it maliciously, it was out of pure love she found a way. Love always finds a way. If we let it. If we listen...
With all this talk about childhood cancer over the last weeks it makes it so hard not to dwell in the anger. It is such an awful fate for these families. Cancer is awful as are so many other things in this world. If I look for the gifts things are some what less challenging for me. maybe it's distraction, maybe it's perspective. What ever it may be it has made my journey a little easier. Choosing my battles much wiser now. The peace is much closer when I do. I know that my peace is a gift to be treasured as I know so many without it. Thank you God for granting me this.
In my late night travels across the internet I came across a story written by a survivor, titled the gift of cancer. The writer goes on to lay out how cancer has changed her life and made her aware of things she never had time to notice before. Maybe that is how we can beat cancer. Take away the fear and bring it out into the light so we can forever banish it. If I live my life stressed out and depressed, letting everything upset me I am more likely to get cancer. Stress lets things happen to our bodies that wouldn't otherwise happen. If you take anything from me take this... let it go.. is what you are worried about more important than those you love. I'm not saying give up and be irresponsible. I'm saying don't worry all the time. We all have our worries but how we let them effect us is up to us. Brittany would tell Rose it was her choice to have a good day. No one can make your day bad. You have to let them. or let it.
choose wisely
peace
amy

Would it be easier if she had only been a baby? would a toddler not leave such a void in my life? Forgive my rambling please... Would it have been any easier to not have also lost a friend? We spent countless hours talking in the hospital. lost of days we would just sit and talk with out the TV on. I miss those talks. I miss her opinion. I miss her passion for life. I don't believe it would ever be easier to lose a child. Only different. The pain cuts so deep you cannot imagine how to go on, yet you do.Sometimes I am lost. Some times I have profound clarity.
For those outside my everyday circle. I fractured my right arm about a month ago. I have not been able to run or do yoga the whole time!!!! I am so missing my yoga. I love after a really great practice the peace and clarity i feel. My mind needs the attention. Today has been a hard day. but it is almost over and I know tomorrow will be better. Each day I get closer to healing and peace.
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson
I know I have posted that before but it is for me as well. I need to hear this right now. I need to fuel myself and renew strength.
Thank you for listening
good night
Amy

I miss my friend

I so long to hear her argue with me about some silly little thing. I wish I could hear her get mad and fuss at her daddy for being so hardheaded. 20 months have come and gone without her laughter and without he voice. That is something I have truly come to cherish.Little bits of video that have her voice... Words can be harsh yet just the sound of her voice brings tears so fast I cannot stop them. We miss our baby Bitsy. No parent, no family, no one should endure this pain. I wish I had more of the last year of our time together. To feel your arms around my neck and smell you. The little things hurt the most. I can still smell your baby furs from the day you died. They smelled just like when you were a baby. Just like a freshly bathed newborn. That sweet smell you wish you could drink up.
I miss your eyes, how they sparkled with a smile. So many things I long for just one more of.
I wish I could hear her get steaming mad cause daddy changed her channel. He used to come in and change it to football or something. I can almost hear her fussing. Kind of funny when you think about stuff like this. We always get flustered when the kids fuss and fight. I would give anything to have that back. Arguing with her sisters. Making the remarks as you are leaving the room just so you can almost hear. Little demands happily accommodated just to make her happy.
So many things flooding my mind. My fingers cannot keep up. My heart is breaking again. I have to stop..
goodnight
amy