I have been blessed in so many ways.
 Tomorrow 1/8/15 will slowly tick by in our house. 72 months since we lost our Angel Bitsy. 72 months without her beautiful soul present in body here on Earth. 72 months that the clock would not wait for us to catch a breath or make ready for the next. Time just marches on at its own steady reliable pace.
While life has been unbearably difficult at times we are so blessed. So many families lose everything financially to cancer and the onslaught that accompanies it. We have struggled and there is light at the end of a very long difficult tunnel. Light I wasn't sure would come.
 Loss really sheds light on true friends and relationships that are genuine. We have been surrounded by an extended family that held us up when we could not do it alone. Thank you Tonya, Tangela and Marc for helping my kids have a normal life while their mother gathered the pieces of her own and put them back in place.
Families bicker and death can drive wedges between one another we have pulled together instead of pushing apart. So many couples divorce after the loss of a child.
Some times I forget how wonderful the man I married is. There are too many attributes to list that brighten my life. But I think the most important thing in these dark days is his ability to make me laugh. Even when he is hurting he makes me stop crying and laugh. He can make me mad as fire in an instant but he can also make me laugh just as hard in the next. Only he can make me laugh at the most inappropriate times to make my heart smile.
We have been through Hell and back yet there he is waiting to lift me from the darkness and laugh so hard my face hurts.
 I love you Tom, thank you for keeping me laughing among all the other wonderful things you to make the world a better place.

We love you Brittany and miss you so much.  I often thing of how our world would be different with you still here. How would your life have changed those around you. And then your daddy reminds me of something silly you would do so I start thinking of the good memories not the lost. Hugs love and Kisses.
Mamma

Where do I begin?  Wow it's hard to believe it has been just shy of one whole year since my last post.
But the ever faithful march of time waits for no one. So frustrating in one minute yet comforting in so many others. Time can heal and time can hurt. Time has a way of changing the memories we cherish. Washing away some pain and some joy. 

 This year has been full of accomplishments and adventures, twists and turns, dips and rolls, all on this crazy roller coaster ride of life.

Amber graduated from nursing school as we knew she would.(She wasn't so sure) And guess what! She has a real job! So proud of her determination. She really had to make sacrifices to get where she is and she loves her job. She is working in a progressive cardiac unit, where they send you after ICU but before a regular floor. I don't think this will be the end of her school career, she loves learning. She has told me that she isn't sure she will have kids...."Mom I spend my day keeping people alive, not sure I want to do that with a kid." She is still in Louisville but I think she is looking to move further north in the next year. Visiting now is an easy 3 1/2 hr drive. I guess we better enjoy that while we can. 
     If you have been following on FB you may know that the latest ISIS killing included one of Amber's very close friends. Peter Abdul Rahman Kassig was part of Ambers support network when Brittany passed. The Friday the video announcing Peter as the next to be killed was released Amber had a stranger ask her if she knew she had a angel with her. He told her she looked just like Amber and thought it maybe a sister. She has not seen this stranger before or since. 
 I think Brittany knew Amber needed someone else to tell her Bitsy was there because of the difficulties to come with the news about Peter. She has done well with his death but feels led to help in his fight now. Its hard for me to say go , help, but it's also hard for me to say no don't follow your heart.

Savannah is doing awesome in school, loving her second year of high school. Growing up too fast as they all do. She is our self proclaimed diva. No idea where she gets that. (NO family chiming in please). She says she feels like she is lost sometimes because she is so different from her sisters, like she doesn't belong. I haven't told her how much like her mother she is. I keep hoping she will veer of that track. She has a wonderful heart but seems afraid to show it. Can't help but wonder if this too is a side effect of cancer. She has taken up tennis and doing well. Even recruiting Rose to the racquet. Savannah joined the drama club last year and it really brought her out of her shell. She would never sing openly before but she does constantly now. She also entered the Miss Red and White pageant last winter and had a lot of fun with it. That cultivated the diva in her I guess. It is wonderful to see so many well rounded young ladies having fun. She had some really good role models there with the top of the  senior class. She has her permit and wants to drive everywhere so look out! Giving us both more grey hairs for sure but doing well at it.


Rose, dear sweet Rose,
 Rose is definantly her own person. Feisty sometimes doesn't cover it. She does not have the moral flexibility of her daddy. There is no grey area. The law is the law and Rose is there to make sure we do not step out of line. The rules may only be modified for the law keepers. She has a sensitive side but she guards it like a treasure. She is doing wonderfully in school but pushes herself for perfection constantly. There is no doing something to the minimum with her. She is so hard on herself I worry about the stress she creates for herself. Amber sees herself in Rose and tries to help her learn easier ways to cope but that doesn't always go over very well. Arguing with her is like trying to nail jello to a tree, waisted energy. Like I mentioned before she is learning to play tennis also. She has been in chorus for the last two years and actually auditioned for a solo last week, no news yet. Still finding herself but growing into a beautiful young lady every day. 

My ladies are all growing into such beautiful young women right before my eyes. It's so hard to grasp the speed at which things change.

Tom has discovered a new passion, obstacle course racing. He did several for Brittany that fell on the 8th and the fire was fanned to a full burn. He loves it. He is nuts! He has done awesome in them though so it's true he is built for these crazy extreme sports. He's been all over the east coast and even to 2 world championship races. Placing 10th over all out of 4k and first in his age group. It seemed for a while every race he would bring a new venue home. That season is over till early spring but training is year round with extreme sports. We have even gotten to see him several times on NBC in different races. He seems to really enjoy the Spartan Races but this group of athletes has a bond like no others. He has made some great friends and they all encourage and help each other improve. Nice that they are all trying to lift others up not step on them on the way to the top. It is wonderful that Tom can adjust his schedule to allow himself to train like he needs to.

I have had a rough year physically, double hernia repair last year the week of Christmas, sprained ankle the first day back in the gym(I missed a step leaving the gym). Finally got back on my feet and working out hard and somehow broke 2 bones in my foot. So I was in a boot for 12 weeks, after walking on the broken foot for a month. The bright side of all that is if I ever get rid of this cushion around my middle I have abs of steel under there! I was able to do arms/upper body while in the boot so mu shoulders and arms are coming along nicely. Slowly getting back into jogging still really tender with a lot of things and I've had to give the heels a rest. Nothing higher that 2 inches. Bleh!
Mentally I'm doing well considering I have teenagers. The normal they know everything phase is in full swing. I've been busy this year with online classes and will attempt on campus classes in January.  Scary! Keep my family in your thoughts after that they will be stressed I'm sure. 
      We all have our moments when the sadness is there, waiting to zap you. I try to keep the thoughts that it is there to help me grow and strengthen. It's not there to crush me but allow me to regroup and rebuild, to nourish me for what is yet to come. I think of Bitsy often and also of Mom. Wondering how different choices would have changed things. Not regrets just questions. 
Several weeks after Savannah started playing tennis she started having back pain.... My heart sunk, it was right where Bitsy started having pain. Tom and I both had the same fear but neither would speak it. it was like saying it would validate it and make it true. We know the statistics, it would be astronomical. But still this gripping fear was there like it had been waiting around the corner all the time. Thankfully it was nothing other than her growing so fast her muscles needed to catch up. Physical therapy and massage have helped. The massage fueling the diva mind no doubt. 

Some days I stay on the edge of tears. I see that this incredible pain has heightened my sensitivity to the loss of others, to the need of others, to any pain of others. I would not want to be callous but it is difficult somedays to keep it together. I hope I can help Rose and Savannah understand the importance of compassion, and empathy. 
How can my arms ache so much and be so full? 
The small things can bring the deepest memories. The smell of a new perfume. The smell of tinsel. I had a hard time keeping it together a few weeks ago in target. Savannah brought a tinsel trap to me and wanted to get it for her room. The smell, I had not thought of it before, brought a flood of memories of Christmases past. Tinsel and icicles, I really never noticed the smell but there it was with all the laughter and happy memories. 
   Young ladies finding their own style and way in the world. So many things I see in Savannah and Rose every day remind me of Brittany. So many things I wish we could share. Today she would be 23. So much fun for a 23 year old intelligent lady to have. I have no doubt she is watching diligently over her sisters. Still I wish I could hear her voice and smell her hair. Give her a hug, just sit and talk with her for hours. So many things I want to say here but I've gone on so long already. 

Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy!
Hugs and Kisses 


I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed holiday season.
 Peace and light
Amy

gratitude

I am truly blessed.

My road in this life has not been an easy one. It has been full of detours and pot holes for sure.
 as I sit here this morning in my quiet house I am reminded of my blessings. And there are to many to count.
My kind hearted husband, our beautiful family. Those are at the top of the list for sure.

Looking around at the families I work with this season it seems to hit home even harder how many are without the basics.
Shelter and warm clothing and food.
So many struggling to feed their families.

Why do I have so much?


What makes me more deserving of the gifts?

How can my heart be so hollow and broken in one moment and feel so full in the next?


Will this void ever shrink?


Will I ever feel whole again?

 I used to think I would never be able to fully feel happiness again.

 Yet here I am feeling so happy, content and at peace with this journey, so whole.

The wisdom we gain from years is real. So many elders try to share the wisdom they have gained. How often do we as younger beings dismiss their advice? " It won't be that way for me." But then years later we reflect back to that advice and know they were right.

Slow down and live life for right now.
What am I missing because I am in a rush? I have my to do list to be done!
Stop!  Life doesn't give us repeats very often.

 Driving to class yesterday, I passed the nursing home where mom was as I do every Thursday. It was different yesterday, harder.

 How I wish she were here. Healthy and vibrant as she was so long ago.

What would I do to hold my beautiful Bitsy for one ore hour?
Just to touch her warm soft skin…

 I have so much and yet I long for the things that I cannot have. The love that has gone on. The hugs from arms no longer with me. The sweet sounds of voices silenced in this world.
Sometimes I have to allow myself to grieve more. To let the tears wash away the sad memories and usher in the memories that make me cry tears of joy.
 Holidays have been hard for these years without Brittany. This year I feel  I can bear them. They are about building new memories too. Thank you for this gift. The gift of joy to share with my girls who have been through so much already.

Thank you for my gifts and blessings
Thank you for my caring husband, who always makes me smile
Thank you for my beautifully talented daughters. They are all so different yet alike in so many ways
Thank you for the friends and family you have surrounded us with. The ones who are there when we need a shoulder or just a smile and hello.
Thank you for our healthy bodies and healthy minds.
Thank you for so many other things I am to blind to notice that make my journey easier.
Thank you for my peace.
Thank you for showing me how to allow my heart to love again.

May you and yours have a wonderfully blessed holiday season.
May you slow down and savor each and every moment you can.

Amy

Birthdays are usually a celebration. Birthdays bring laughter and smiles,old friends and sometimes family. Those who bring joy with them into our lives. We choose carefully the ones to share the special memories made on birthdays.
Birthdays can be a time of reflection, a time of reliving the past. If only for a while it can be a time that friends and family feel at ease to remember with us.
It is always okay to share your memories of Brittany with me. Even though I may cry it heals my heart to know you still remember. You have not forgotten our sweet Brittany. We have not forgotten. Sometimes it seems the world marches on and forgets. Please don't forget.
It's okay to say her name. She is always in our thoughts.
Sometimes I wonder, I think Rose and Savannah forget. They were so young. Yet I don't want them to forget.  I want them to remember the good times.
As the holiday season is well under way I think it is important for us to create new traditions so they have a part in the new choices. I also did not realize they do value some of the "old" traditions. Things I assumed they would out grow.
Savannah got upset they we handn't made the traditional trip for pumpkins, corn stalks and mums. She finally broke down,  she said Amber and Brittany were gone and things were not the same. It made her sad to give this up. So she and daddy did their trip to round them up.
It is so hard to understand what means something and what is irrelevant. Something so trivial can mean so much.
This was the first Thanksgiving Amber didn't come to visit. She is making her own new life there in Louisville. She is stressed with school but loves it. It makes my heart happy to see her chasing her dreams. I remember mom guilting me so hard for not making the trip "home" for and holiday. I teased Amber, telling her I wouldn't guilt her, I would only cry in silence.   She didn't think it was as funny as I did.
As we reflect on the memories if you have one too, please share. Brittany was old enough to begin creating her own life outside out home. There are so many fun times we weren't with her. Those happy memories are like glimpses into her heart.
I hope your day brings a flood of happy memories of Brittany or any other loved ones no longer with us.
Happy 22 nd birthday Beautiful Angel Brittany.

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

mom

Days sure have a way of slipping by. The summer has flown. Full of adventure and fun, good days and bad moments.


After several years of steady decline mom finally gets her rest.
She was released from the ravages caused by Parkinson's and all her other ails on July 3rd 2013.
Trapped in a body that would not relent.
A body that had it's own agenda it seemed.

Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was finally peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.


My thoughts get muddled here.

Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother.

 We did not always agree.

I do wonder what her life would be if she had discovered she had what she needed long ago. If she didn't seek to find happiness in things and people but in herself. For the last few months she was part of every day for me.
 It's difficult to change so dramatically.
 I miss her so much even though she would demand the moon if I would allow.
Stubborn and demanding, that was mom.
Even to the end she wanted to control all that she could.

Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.

Sadness is so destructive. I think watching mom battle depression and watching it slowly consume her. Watching as one by one she let go of her dreams. The darkness infiltrated every corner. Like some monstrous fog, it hovered and settled around her every time it got a chance.
How would her life have been different if she had made different choices? The choice to fight harder in the beginning. The choice to listen to those telling her to change her lifestyle, to eat better and exercise.

She had been sick for a long time. I watched the ravages of disease on her body and mind. I knew it was close. We talked when we could. I sat and listened to the breath of my sleeping mother when she did not know I was there. I always felt like somehow she would know I had been there. The nurses told her they knew I had been there because she would smell sweet and I took off all those dang bandaids from blood draws. They would leave them on all day!

I'm glad we had some good days these last few months. We got to laugh together. We got to cry together. And with the wonderful technology of today some other family got to laugh and cry with us via facetime or just a phone call.

Thank you to all who stayed right there with us til the end. Thank you to all the angels that choose to care for the informed. It's a difficult and thankless job at best. Yet there were so many kind and gentle souls right there around us helping us make this journey with her.

My step dad seems to be doing his best to stay busy. I think he is afraid to slow down. He is lonely and lost, no purpose. Thats a terrible feeling, to feel unneeded. Even though he spent so much of the time complaining about having to do for her, he was there, He stopped at the store for the ice cream she would take one bite of and then leave to melt. He was there.


My work brings so many families living with such unhealthy habits. I wish they could see through me what it can and will do.
 I see so many longing for something they think they must go out and find. Something that is right there inside them if they only look.

Gratitude is something I understand much more clearly now. I have always tried to be grateful. To ask "why me"for the good and not only the bad. To cherish the little things. To look for my gifts each day.
This journey has been through some pretty despicable valleys but there is always a mountain with a breathtaking view waiting for me to climb.
I know I have changed, I have grown, I have deepened my capacity to love.
I sometimes feel guilty, I am sad to lose mom. And yet the pain is not the same.

The immensity of losing Brittany does not compare with losing Mom.

I guess we all expect to lose our parents.

Life brings people in and out of our days.
Sometimes we see why, sometimes we don't.
Sometimes we welcome the departure and sometimes we are left hurt and broken.

Questioning our choices.

Questioning if we could have made things end differently.

Some, there is always a chance meeting. Some, we know we will not meet on earth again.

 The pain of losing a loved one is agony in either case.

Friends we see places in our lives to help us. Friends who can help us stand when all we want to do is slump to the floor. They can show us our own inner strength. They keep us from falling into a dark hole.
Our guardians if you will.
 And then there are the ones who are there to help us and then we must watch helplessly as they fall of their own choices.

Addiction robs us of so many things. It takes beautiful people and consumes them to a point they are no longer recognizable as the ones we once knew.
It makes then do things to hurt those that love them most. They apologize only to repeat the same thing over and over until they are cut off from everything that really matters. Of course at this point nothing matters to them but the substance or activity of their addiction.
And sometimes this isn't the end of their road. Sometimes something happens to break the cycle. It finally "clicks" or whatever it takes, and they decide they want to live again. Live life, not be lived by addiction. Some succeed and some do not.

We can be a terribly judgmental society at a whole. Are we really worthy to stand in judgement when we have never walked the road they have come to here?

I believe we get from life what we give to it.
When I am generous and caring , life will be generous and caring with me.
Words can be hurtful. Words can do more damage in seconds than actions sometimes.
Words can also change our perspective. Words can set the wheels in motion to change things.

I saw a beautiful video last night and it brought tears to my eyes with its raw truth.
We all get consumed with our own lives and are to busy to help the less fortunate sometimes. Something as a simple change in perspective can make us stop and look at things differently.
The video was of a blind man sitting on the steps of some public building with a sign that said, "Blind, please help". Strangers would toss change his way occasionally but few and far between. A young woman stopped and changed his sign, then went about her way. People began giving the man change almost immediatly. This continued all day person after person would give the man change politely not toss it at him. Then as the young woman returned from her day she stopped again. He asked her what she did to his sign, what did it say. She replied "It says the same, only in a different way."  She changed his sign to say, "It's a beautiful day and I can't see it".

Change your words
Change your world

peace and light
Amy

Broken hearted daddy

February 8,2013
On a morning so like today 49 months ago, tears streaming down my face and his,  I watched out the window as a very broken hearted daddy carried our baby girl Bitsy out of this house forever.

Knowing does not make it easier.

Today I don't think anything would make this treacherous path any easier. Sure we think we can prepare ourselves. But really and truly it is no different for our heart. Maybe it is easier for the head. Or maybe we have heard that knowing makes easier so we convince our ego it is.
Time may dull the pain temporarily. But it does not remove the deep sorrow, the darkness. That sorrow that lay in wait, waiting for the opportunity. Waiting to grab you when you think you have everything in control. When you think you are finally stronger than it is. There, just waiting to consume me.

Perspective, so many times I  think about how a small change in perspective can make a profound change in the way we see things. I often refer to  this devastating sorrow as darkness. It feels dark, it looks dark through my eyes. It is cold and empty, hollow. Sometimes it seems there is no end, no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I am rescued from this vast darkness by something so tiny. Something that allows me to turn away from the darkness. A flame of hope bringing light into the darkness. Something that changes my perspective.

Maybe I am not looking at the darkness through the right eyes. Maybe there too I can change my outlook by simply changing my perspective.  Maybe the darkness isn't trying to consume me. Maybe the darkness is there to strengthen me, Maybe the darkness is like the winter, my winter.

Winter can be crazy here in East Tennessee. Some days are really cold and some can be spring like. The hardest thing for me here are the stacked days of no sun at all. They can come one after the other for what seems to be weeks at a time . Rainy, dreary days that make everything require so much more effort.  Days of cold that don't make it above freezing. When those days are sunny I love the cold. The ones that are cloudy and wet chill us to the core. It seems there is no place on earth warm enough to banish this cold feeling deep inside. Yet even on those days nature is there rejoicing in some way. The mockingbird out my window sings like it is spring. Calling to the sun to bring back it's warm rays. The beautiful colors of nature don't hide even in this cold. The flaming red cardinals and the Blue Jays are there out my window promising spring will come soon. They make me smile and think of springs from the past. I think of what I will plant this year, what new plant will I try to grow. Then I start that mental project list Tom so avoids. And somehow these thoughts warm me.

Winter is a time most of us draw into family and self. We slow down, we relax a bit. We do things that we don't make time for when the sun is warm and bright. A good rainy day is much easier for me to devote to housework than a sunny one. When it's warm and sunny I want to get things done and be out in the warmth. Maybe that's what I have not been seeing. Maybe my winter is needed to strengthen my roots like it does the beautiful flowers. The flowers and trees, all plants use the winter to rebuild, to produce the blooms and fruit for the coming season. Maybe this darkness that I feel always waiting isn't there to smother me but nurture me. Maybe it is there to help me heal. To give me that much needed time to just breathe. To strengthen me for what life holds for me. To nourish my soul like a flower waiting for spring. So my soul may blossom and brighten the world like the flowers do. Happy and cheerful, bringing joy to all around them.
It is hard to allow myself to surrender to the darkness. To surrender this facade of strength that I have grown to wear so well. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can cry. I can let go and be vulnerable. I will be stronger still by allowing the winter to nourish me. Maybe that is why this winter of darkness has been following me for so long. Following me in warm weather and cold. Maybe all along she has been trying to show me all along that she is there for me, not to get me. Maybe there is someone out there that will need me to be strong. Winter must know I need to replenish and refuel.
I will try to look at this darkness of my winter and think about her as a friend. It will be hard to change my thinking Im sure. I am going to try. I feel better about it already. I will allow myself to rest and replenish so that I may blossom and flourish in the beautiful light ahead.

Only in the Dever house can we accomplish three tank catastrophes in one weekend.

There separate fish/turtle tanks demolished. No less than 10 gallons of water on the floor. All in one room. Joyously there were no fatalities other than the tanks themselves.

You have to hear this story. If you are friend or family and you know Rose you will really get a laugh.

Rose, being the independent child she is. Yes, I know she gets that from me... could not wait to move the Beta. The beta she has kept happily in a 1 gallon tank for the last 2 years.

There is a jar in her school office that has a beta with a live plant in it. I think the call it a lily garden tank.

Sometime Friday Rose decided she would move her Beta to a vase like that. They are really pretty. The round glass really makes the fish look great.

Fast forward...
beta out of tank...
New 10 gallon tank(for turtle, this was planned) on floor half full of water ...
Me "Rose you can't fill the vase with all tap water. We don't have the tank safe stuff. You will kill him with the chlorine. Get some water from the pond and only use a quarter of tap water"
Rose" ok"
about 45 minutes pass
Rose, hysterically crying " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me "what broke?", I had forgotten about the move beta was making.
Rose " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me "WHAT BROKE?"
Rose " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me, getting upset, dropping a stack of books ( knee deep in a major clean out of the attic and bonus room) " WHAT BROKE ROSE?"
Rose " the Vase, I dropped it."
Me" Its ok he can go back in the tank"
Me, walking in to her room to find that both the vase and the tank are broken "what happened?"
Rose " I was trying to use the turtle tank water to fill the vase and it slipped out of my hands"

Needless to say she was holding the vase over the turtle tank when she dropped it so the vase dropped into the turtle tank shattering the bottom and allowing all the turtle water to soak into the carpet.
Rose's carpet had a nice spot with glass and fish rocks, and water. to wet to vacuum. so it sat there last night with another small tank weighting down a stack of towels.

tank 1 and 2 total loss

Today,

Loud thud,
Shouting...
Rose"it's your fault, you made me drop it!"
Savannah, half laughing, "I didn't even touch you"
Rose"you were in my way"
Savannah"no I wasn't"
slamming door and thumping down the stairs...
Rose, wet hair, shirt and jeans, red mad face" Savannah made me drop the other one!"
Me"What? The new one? "
Rose" yes!"
Me"You are kidding?"
Rose, very mad, "no"

I go up to the room and Savannah meets me on the stairs laughing. This making Rose madder. "Mom Rose dropped the new bowl and the water exploded all up over her!" Laughing more.

Rose dropped the bowl she had just bought at the fish store, it hit the floor and all the water shot straight up into her face. The bowl survived!  However the water is on the carpet in a different part of the room than the water yesterday. This was clean water thankfully. And again Beta escaped by sunning in the window while his house was going places.

Tank 3 survived!

Well, I guess my rest break is over. Just felt the need to share. I still have to get ready for my classes this week. Cleaning the carpet will be a must this week also. This purging my house of the stuff we have accumulated over the last few years feels great. I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. I haven't gotten to Brittany's things yet. I know I will and I know it will be hard. But I know we will get through it. It might take a while, memories are hard to escape when you look at her things. But the good memories outnumber the bad. I am working on keeping it that way too!

Hope you are enjoying warmer weather as we are. Even rainy, at least its warm.

Peace and Light
Amy

I feel have neglected my thoughts.  
It is hard to believe it has been a year since my last post. 
The last year has been good for the most part.

I guess I am getting better at pushing those sad moments from my  days.
They are there, but I am choosing to keep the happy memories with me daily. I try to combat the masses of darkness by surrounding them with the light. The memories that make me smile or chuckle silently. Sometimes I even share and we all laugh. 
I think that is important too . Share the happy memories too. Maybe that has helped  our friends and neighbors are be more comfortable sharing their memories with us. It really helps my heart to know they haven't forgotten. They do think about her too.

 We celebrated Bitsy's 21st birthday with our family of friends. Friends that have been there more than family. Our family is so spread out we have made our own family here close to us. And they have been a wonderful support system. Always there to listen, no words needed. There to cry with us and not be afraid to let it show. 

Don't we all wish there were magic words. Words of wisdom that would instantly stop the pain, for ourselves or for others.
 There are no magic words. Nothing really dulls the pain. It does get easier. But the pain is always there, waiting like a vulture. Waiting to attack when it senses weakness, when you least expect it.

With the New Year come hopes, plans, and dreams of doing things the way we feel we "should". Things we think will make our life easier or happier.  Things that will change our daily routine to make us healthier. Eat less, exercise more, have more patience, keep my house cleaner and accumulate less clutter. 
All of these things are nice . All of these things might make every day a bit less stressful for most. 

This year I will write more, It really feels good to my heart. I will cherish my family even more. I will share the love and joy I find in every day with all that I can. I will show more compassion and help my girls be more compassionate too.  I will pay it forward and do those random kind things. I will help more total strangers in their struggles. I will show those around me that love is all around us if we open our eyes.
Yes my resolutions include the typical,  more Yoga,  more exercise,  eat healthier,  cook healthier,  less clutter,  save more$$,  more organization...
The list could go on and on...
But when you commit to make these changes remember our family and remember life is a gift to be cherished, not taken for granted. 
Consider your choices. How will the effect those around me? How will they make the life of someone besides mine better? Does this say to those around me what I want it to? Am I being truly compassionate in this? 

The shooting at Sandy Hook breaks everyones heart. The pain of losing a child is like no other. My heart goes out to all those families.  Let that encourage you to make the positive changes in your life today. 
I believe most people are truly good at heart. Maybe I am naive, but thats what I believe. I also know it is much harder to do the right thing. It is much easier to follow the crowd. Most of us at one time or another have witnessed something we could have dramatically changed the outcome of with just a few words.  Don't take the easy road and follow the crowd, or look the other way.  Be the one that changes things. Stand up for what is right.
Once you stand up for the weaker one once you will do it again. And hopefully they will have a chance to stand up for someone too. Helping others is the closest thing to magic words or wisdom for pain. Reach out to help those around you and your heart heals bit by bit. 
 All I ask is that you think about it.
 Is this your last chance?


4 years ago today you beat the beast called Slivia(aka cancer). You escaped it's terribly painful clutches. 

You were set free.
Free to discover all the wonders we here bound to Earth cannot even begin to understand. 

The Earth is a much darker, bleaker place without your beautiful soul.

We know you are better and happy you no longer have to struggle for each and every moment. We know you are here with us and will not forget. Our hearts struggle with the dark sorrow each and everyday. Oh, for one more hug or kiss. Just to hear your voice...

Rest in peace sweet Angel Bitsy

Peace and Light to you all,
Amy

Maybe the earth is sad with me today.


It is gloomy and sad out side
The sun tries to see, and warm up the moment, but the clouds  quickly rush it  back to its hiding place behind them. Where I cannot feel the warmth on my face. I know it's there and I long for its warmth and the strength I feel with it. 


Almost as if nature is telling me it's okay to be sad.


 Sometimes it helps to let it go. It is not something I like to do, but I am learning I need to cry sometimes. To stop faking it and really feel all this sorrow and pain. Like I've said before, crying can be cleansing sometimes. Cleansing like a spring rain. 
 Sometimes I find new strength after I let go.


 I am hoping this will be one of those times. I feel I need renewal and strength at this moment.

Things are going along as they should, I just feel drained. 


Maybe its the holidays.... they do seem to have a draining quality.


Throughout the last few days I keep going over those last days... I re read my journal and look back through pictures of our last Christmas with our sweet Angel Bitsy. 


Funny...
 As I typed Sweet Angel Bitsy,
 I thought about all of us thinking she could be so difficult in that last year. She knew what she wanted and she would not hesitate to tell you. 


She got convinced one time that we hadn't given her medicine and she was really mad that we were with holding it from her. We are talking Chemo medicine too. She thought we were not giving her the Chemo medicine. 
I laugh and cry now but at the time it was very hard to deal with. I remember bringing them all to her and showing her how many there were. Going through the whole process of counting and looking at the calendar to convince her she had taken it. 
It wasn't too long after that that mentally she began to decline. Things were easier then as she was much sweeter and loving. Her words and looks softened. Even the tone of her voice was softer. 
I wish I could hear her voice again. Not video or recording. I just would love to hear hear say " I love you mommy". I won't say just one more time because that would not be enough.  I want to hear it over and over again. And then I would love to feel her frail arms around my neck. Oh how I wish I could have held on so tightly So many longings I have buried away in this deep and broken heart. To many to count. Each day brings new ones. 


The love a parent has for their children grows with every breath, so do the dreams. 


Do you think they would arrest me if I shook the next parent being less than kind or even just not looking out for their child. 
I know many people have said children are a gift. So many sad people don't get this. They really don't understand how fragile life can be. How fleeting.  I just want to sweep the child away to an unseen place only for long enough for the parent to catch a glimps of the pain caused by this loss. 
Is that wrong. 
I want to help them see the gift they have been given. 
I talk with young mothers everyday that are soooooo stressed. I know their stress I was a young mother too. I hope they can see through me that children are to be cherished. 


While teaching a class at an addiction recovery center before Christmas one mom had her hands full. Toddler and a 4 month old. Toddler need attention and so did baby. I was done with cooking so I seized the opportunity to borrow this little angel.  Spent the next hour talking with 7 young mothers about ways to de-stress their lives and their kids and in turn learn to be more loving mothers.


 Ok so class went a bit long that day...


 Children do feel parents stress. Baby was screaming when I got her, but quickly quieted. To hold this precious little gift in my arms healed my heart. Of course looking up with those beautiful eyes helps too. I guess I don't mind being the oldest mom anymore... Well maybe just the more experienced one... 
A baby sleeping in your arms is a gift in itself.


Did I say I love my job? I truly do.


Thank you to all of you who helped me remember a true passion, teaching. 


Maybe this is one of the reasons God has shown me the path through the loss of our Angel Brittany. Maybe only through this pain can I know how to make them understand and make a change in their lives. Changes for the lives of their children. 


I miss you terribly Brittany. Do a mothers arms ache for her lost love forever? I'm guessing they do. I know you are safe and warm and have the knowledge you yearned for. You are not sick or in pain. It doesn't make it any easier for us here with out you. But I know I would not want you to be here suffering. I know we will see you again some day. 


Heaven has been brighter because you are there for three years today.  One second it doesn't seem possible, the next second feels like an eternity. 


I remember and often share the wise words you used to tell us.
 I will choose to have a good day!




Love and peace to all my earthbound angels. 
Thank you to all other Angels


Amy

Changes

Fall has always been a favorite season for me.
 I guess I find it hard to really dislike any season entirely.

 I love the cold of winter.
The snow and ice can be so incredibly beautiful.
The lazy days snuggled up with family or a good book.
I do tire of the bleak days with limited sunlight if any.

 Spring brings a rebirth of the Earth.
 And renewed strength for me with the promise of more sunny days on the way.

Maybe I will escape this constant cold for a brief moment in the warm spring sunlight.
 As summer brings all it's glory and warmth I am reminded of summers past at almost every step.
 Summer is such a big part of childhood. Years are measured by summer and Christmas by most children it seems.
 As summer comes to a close it seems I am again drawn to family memories and what can never be.
       Lost potential ...

 Maybe it is the work I must do emotionally to prepare myself for the season and holidays to come.

 Maybe somewhere in these painful but sweet memories I am healing.

           Maybe I am learning to find my way out of this dark dark sorrow.

 As I sit here letting the memories flood my heart and mind. I can't help but let the tears flow I'm sure you know...

 I remembered our family trip to the "Trail of Doom".
 It's a corn maze near us. They have a haunted maze and an ghoul free maze. We found our way through the ghoul free maze first. We went on a hayride and picked our pumpkins.That was fun enough and the haunted maze was opening since it was just getting dark. I think Rose was 4, Savannah 7 Brittany was in 8th grade and Amber would have been a junior. If you know me, you know I think children should be prepared for the world as it is.. SCARY and all. As long as bad dreams aren't following them I think it's okay to expose my kids to scary things. I knew this maze was safe. A good scare now and then helps you learn to laugh at your fears. Heck I love scaring the little buggers! They have learned how to get even with me in the same way.

 Okay, back to the story.... So we as a family group, literally a huddle, begin our journey into the "Trail of Doom" as you walk thru the maze you happen upon scary creachers of every sort. Alien and otherwise. So I guess we were about half way through the maze when a chainsaw bearing "Jason" walked out of the corn behind us! Before this Amber had been bringing up the rear of our huddle. Amber rushed past me shoving me, who happened to be carrying Rose, into the corn!
 So picture this I can't use my hands to help myself up because Rose is clinging to my neck with all her might, The Looking over my shoulder she whispers"run mommy run". As I struggle to get up out of this "row" we have made into the corn the "monster" helps us up as the rest of the family keeps running...We did eventually emerge from the Trail of Doom unharmed, well most of us anyway.....

Family memories can be energizing for me at times and at others they can be so completely draining I don't know how to move on. I wish I had more video. I have started taking more... of the everyday kind of memories too.

I hope you all have a blessed Christmas.

Please add the Martin family to your prayers. Kyle might not make it through Christmas. Pray for the gift of peace for his wife and children. He is only 42. I won't say that's too young for cancer because any age is too young for cancer as far as I am concerned.

love and prayers

Amy

This Is from several months ago. I didn't realize I never posted it...

Okay tears, okay darkness It's your turn...
 I need some rest from this mask of strength...
                     this faking it...
 I will not stay here.

 Bitsy would not like it!

 The quiet of the morning is sometimes too much...
 When I can do yoga or exercise it strengthens me.
                   Right now that is not the case.
 Not much real exercise of any type and it's feeding those monkeys super food!
 Getting old stinks!
 Youth is wasted on the young..
. someone reminded me of that the other day, how true...
. At least the youthful healing and energy in some cases...
 we should heal faster as we age not slower!
 I had been running for months again, slowly increasing my mileage...
 looking forward to being able to run with Tom again and him not have to get a second work out after running with me...

 I miss our runs...

 I was swimming and doing Yoga so I wouldn't hurt myself, push too hard...
                          and then my elbow started acting up, not the one I broke, the other one...
 soooo I tried doing less Yoga, more swimming,
                      then it hurt to swim so guess where I ended up...
                                     running....
 
 was doing okay, didn't hurt too bad,
    then one run I had what I thought was a really intense cramp in my low calf,
 I limped through the rest of my run, it took a week or so for the pain to let off enough that I could run...

 Silly Me!

 I had pulled my soleus muscle, that in turn made my body do what they are so wonderful at doing...

 compensating!

 That caused my shin splints to get really bad really fast...

 stress fracture...!

 but did I listen to these whispers to slow down?
                                  Of course not, not me, I'll just run easier....

            Ha!

 When you don't listen to the whispers,
 Life WILL start throwing bricks!

 And trust me her aim is dead on.

 So here I sit going slowly out of my mind in this beautiful boot!

 since the middle of August and for another month at least Tom calls me Ahab!

 He says he imagines laying in a hammock below deck listening to my clunk, step, clunk. All this aside we are doing well.

 Amber is finishing up her senior cross country season and doing better than ever.
Studying hard and working on getting into UT's Accelerated Nursing Program after graduation in May.

So we may have her home for a while after graduation. Zach is still sweet as ever. Hopefully accepted to the Police Academy in Anderson. Did the test and physical, now wait to hear. Still working hard coaching and getting his training business off and running. Doing a great job at it also!

 Savannah is finishing her first cross country season.Has done awesome! Not sure she will run this week, she jammed a few toes on Monday. She is up and around, takes way to much to keep her off them feet, guess she gets it honest.Doing well in school too. So proud of her hard work. She is in Drama and Drama Club and loves it! Our house may not live through this "Drama awakening" Homework has been heavy this year! But still keeping A's and B's!

 Rose is running cross country as well, and loving it! I think she has Amber's middle school records in her sights.Gymnastics is in full, swing doing awesome of course. She is so much like Tom it is crazy, expects nothing less than perfection in everything! She can be so hard on her self. Her friend Caroline was over last week. They were out on the trampoline doing back handsprings or something. Caroline would do one then Rose and then Rose would grumble about how that was not right, not this or that. Talking about herself. Caroline said" listen to Rose, she does a perfect one and doesn't like it. Me, I am doing the one that needs work!"
 As I said in my last post Tom is back out there running. Racing now. First place a few weeks ago in the" Dam hard Challenge" at Norris Dam State Park. That's where he runs most of the time anyway. Had a funny/scary run a week or so ago. Picture this.... Big sign, he said he didn't remember seeing it before. But didn't feel the need to stop and read it... He has never been a sign reader, that's why I'm the navigator when we travel! Okay, so he had been running the trails in the watershed for maybe 10 minutes or so(2 miles at least) when he hears this deep country voice call out to him" Ya better be careful fella, it's deer huntin season ya know" He said he looked around and it took a few seconds to find this hunter in his tree stand rifle in hand! Ok! so he thought I'm at the top now, I have to go down either way. Just hope I can get the heck out of here alive. All the way through the rest of the trail hunters would call out to him and warn him! He said it was crazy how large some of the scopes were! like the size of dinner plates! So many out there in their tree stands he saw. I wonder how many more he didn't see. So "deer huntin season" is over we think but he has been running other parks just in case. Crazy man I love! No wonder I am insane too!

 33 months ago our borrowed angel was called home. This morning when I was awake, when no one should be, I thought about all the people who have been there to lend a hand.
 Thank you!
 As I lay there letting the monkeys guide me through this painful journey it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Some moments pass so slowly and some are fleeting. Days are easier for the most part, some still very hard. No rhyme or reason for the difference most of the time. Just still some are hard. The hard ones seem to be harder now but not as often. Finding this new normal continues as I know it will forever. I still question when will I know why, if ever.
 God please show me the way through this valley.
      How I long to be on the mountain top with a clear view of all that lies ahead I know you have laid out              the perfect path.
 Guide my steps.
 Help me surrender and be led.
 Help me allow my heart to open and see your direction.
 Give me the strength as I know only you can, to lead and be led.
 Open my eyes and heart to the blessings I am given every day.
 Bless all those walking this long and painful journey.
 Bless those helping me everyday on my journey.
                       Show me the way to be your light in this path.
 In Jesus name I pray Amen

 A blessing I share with Amber was brought out into the light this week.
 Its a beautiful song
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezf3e44rRI0&noredirect=1

 its called Long Time Traveler these are the words

 These fleeting charms of earth Farewell,
your springs of joy are dry
My soul now seeks another home
 A brighter world on high
 I'm a long time traveling here below
I'm a long time traveling away from home
I'm a long time traveling here below
To lay this body down

 Farewell kind friends whose tender care
 Has long engaged my love
 Your fond embrace I now exchange For better friends above
 I'm a long time traveling here below
 I'm a long time traveling away from home
 I'm a long time traveling here below
To lay this body down...


 We both have discovered this song individually.
 Somehow brings us both peace with the sadness.

 Beautiful voices and words.

I know she was not here long.

 Not long enough for us but long enough to touch so many lives.

Long enough to touch our hearts and the hearts of those around her.

 Thank you for remembering us in your prayers...

 We joined The Curesearch walk here in Knoxville in September with a team Bitsy's bows.

 We did great!
Thank you to every one who helped us.
 We were in 2nd place until the morning of the race. Ended up in 4th for fund raising. A great effort by all! The walk raised 31k for Curesearch!

If you remember that's the cards Britt put with her bows when she gave them out.
 I'm sure she would be proud!
 Thank you for remembering Bitsy.

 It hurts to think she is forgotten.

 She was and still is part of our life.

 Don't be afraid to mention her name.
 Don't be afraid to share a memory.
 The bittersweet sorrow is an important part of healing for all of us and you also

. Life is fleeting.

Tomorrow is not a guarantee.

 Love now... Share now...

 Love and peace, Amy

The blessings in my life far out weigh the burdens.

As I sat in prayer this morning…

A moment of clarity vanquished the monkeys for just long enough. So much time I spend dismissing these crazy monkeys. The crazy things they say, just stirring up trouble with my heart and my head. They are truly the devils work.

They try to convince me “I” am in control and I should do this or that.

The ones that say “don’t get involved it will be too hard”…
The selfish ones that say, “what’s in it for us?” or “why should we?”

Maybe you don’t call them monkeys.

That’s my name for my ego, or I call it my “stinkin thinking brain.”


As I was sitting there in total awe of everything around me, I thought about the trials we have been through.
I won’t go into them all here my blessings are too many to count.

The two that smacked me in the back of the head today sent those monkeys running for the hills.

I have been blessed with the most incredible love!

Truly the love of my life….

I cannot imagine life with out my husband, my best friend,

aside from being an awesome daddy, friend and person in general. 

He can make me maddest in a split second. Then turn it around and have me laughing so hard I can’t breathe. He is so stubborn that sometimes I want to just shake him. Then he can do the smallest thing to melt my heart all over again.

Fine line of Love and Hate no doubt…

I remember thinking more than 25 years ago…
the couple leading our “engaged encounter” was crazy…

“soul mates” what a silly thing…

Yes I loved this man I was going to marry, but really?...

that was just mushy stuff…

I heard people say loved changed over the years and I figured it did.

How could some stay in love and others grow apart?

I know God knew what his plans were for us. I know he knew we would need this love to lean on through this trial.
We would need the laughter to go with the tears.

The over whelming joy to lead us out of the unbearable sadness…

The friendship to help us walk together ahead of the chasing darkness, and sometimes run…

Parenthood is a blessing is uncountable ways. Sure, there are the headaches and the tribulations. Our journey has to go through some rough patches. Where would we be with out trials?
Who would we be?

I have been blessed with this awesome love and had part of my heart forever ripped away.

If you have children, you have been in that moment where you realize this…
You think you cannot love anyone as much as you do your spouse or significant other. The one you will always love more than any other. Then this little needy bundle comes and makes your heart grow with even more love each second. It’s not that you love any one less but your heart grows more than you thought could ever happen.

More children… more love….
Our hearts are so able to grow and love more even when we think it is not possible.

Just like the ability of our heart to continue beating and loving while being ripped apart.

Thank you God for my blessings and my clarity this morning. Thank you for allowing me to know the beauty of this love and see the smallest of blessings. Help me to share your love and mine. Help me to be an example of your love in everything I do.
Amen

Gratitude is sometimes painful for me. I begin each day by thanking God for everything he has given me and for the strength to be where I am.

Lately this is a new sword in my heart.
Please pray for my strength.

I know I am blessed.
Those crazy monkeys start asking “why us” and “why her?”

They will go off on some tangent as to why I deserved this pain. What I have done wrong in my life. My sins. I swear they‘re just lying in wait, rallying their forces, ready for the split second I pray,” thank you lord for all you have given me.”

I have always believed if we ask “why me” when something bad happens we should also ask “why me” when the good things happen.

Still it is hard. I don’t know weather its anger or pain, I guess it’s both. I haven’t had a “mad at God” spell for some time… I don’t like anger. I know if I would just face it, it will go away faster. There go those monkeys again trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.
Goodbye Monkeys!

We are all doing well. Amber is getting ready to go back to school. I can hardly believe she is a senior! Working on her plans for grad school... Nursing or Public Health were the last two majors I heard. She is looking for an accelerated nursing program.

Savannah is blossoming so fast. Really got that middle school girl stuff going on. Lord help us! She is such a flirt! Changing and maturing so much so fast. I don’t the way they grow up right in front of you.

Rose is doing great also. Still doing gymnastics… Still loving it and still a perfectionist!
Getting ready for 4th grade.

Wow I am getting old… at least Tom is older.
His knee is totally healed and he is back to running ridiculous amounts. But now he is doing the gym also. 

I love my job with UT! This is another of my blessings. Healing for my heart and soul to help young families EVERY DAY! I’m back at running and yoga.

Life is finding a new normal for us.

We all have our bad moments but are muddling our way through together…

Love and peace to you all

A friend shared these words several weeks ago and I felt they needed to be shared. The message was about what God was trying to tell us....Why have we been chosen for our own particular journey...

The message is simple:

Bring your story to the light.

Abuse....Abortion...Bad Decisions....An indiscretion...
Mistakes...Adultery...Miscarriage..
.Affairs...Lies...
Separation...Heartbreak...
..all of it.....
things that you have done....things that have been done to you....

The story has purpose.....unless it is kept out of the light....
There, in the dark, it only has dominion over you.
It is only there as a tool that the enemy uses to destroy you....

Nowhere is this more necessary than from parent to child....in time...in process....in relationship.
Open.
Reveal.
Restore.
It is the story He created in you.

Thank you JB for your words of inspiration, I hope you don't mind me sharing it...

I have discovered a source of pain in my daily routine.

Yet I cannot remove this task from my day.

Something as mundane as a trip to school with the kids has become a daily battle.
I want to be there... to drop them off.... To see them off on their day's journey.

But...

as soon as I am alone it starts...

the questioning...

Why us? Why her? What did we do or not do? What is the plan? When will I understand?....

I am greeted by the beautiful young lives just beginning to blossom and it hurts... I want our beautiful Bisty to blossom! So many families untouched by the darkness of such a loss...

Do they cherish each second as they should?

Do they say I love you every chance they get?

I pray for the families around me each day. I pray they understand what a precious gift life is. I have peace knowing Bitsy knew she was loved. I know she loved us as well. So many do not share these simple words....I love you... why?
Pride? ...Ego?... Fear?...

Silly things the devil puts in our way.

Things to cloud our sight of the true love our God has shown for us. The love we should show our God.

Tell those you love that you do! Don't expect them to just know! And If someone impacts your life in a good way share it with them. We all need to love each other and be loved by others.

Kindness is contagious. Spread it around!

You never know when you will be the one in need of a kind word.

To the world you may be but one,
but to one you may be the world...

... to love is to be vulnerable. Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.


An incredible amount of trust is involved in love. How can some be so willing to live the love we all wish we had? How can others walk through this world totally alone and totally blind to the joys that this love holds? You would think everyone could see the difference. In my travel on this journey I have been blessed to know so many truly loving people. People unafraid to give their heart in whole to the world. They are there for me and so many others. They are the angels here on earth that are the support when we feel we cannot take another step. Just part of the blessings we come upon each day. Are you seeing the angels in your life or are you closing your eyes to them? By opening your eyes you are opening your heart too.

It is risky, it is scary.

No one wants to hurt.

No one wants to let the devil into their house knowingly. Yet when we open our heart we also open the door that that could happen. The devil can be so sly and deception knows no ends when it comes to getting what the devil desires.

I don't remember where I read this, "where ever God builds his church, there too the devil will build his chapel."
Isn't that ironic? How often have you witnessed another trying to banish joy from others? Parade rain-ers, Debbie downers, (Not you Debbie, if you are listening)You know the type.... always there to criticize and belittle the things which make someone proud and joyful. That must be the devil at work.

Happiness and positive attitude are not an easy walk. Aside from the daily battle with your ego, there are all those around you just waiting to rain on your parade. It would be simple to not share the love and joy. It would be easy to just blend in and be a wall flower, not sharing at all. But have you ever been cheerful and happy when you felt sad? Try it. You will feel better instantly. I often talk about perspective and how small changes in it make profound changes in the way we see things. I want to live my life sharing the love God has blessed me with and watching it grow around me.
Thank you, all my angels of happiness. Thank you for making the days easier by sharing the love! You know who you are. And you do make the world a better place.

My world is not immune to these devils. Unhappy in so many ways. They grasp at things we hold, things that bring us joy. They try to steal that joy for them selves. They yearn for the joy they don't understand how to achieve. They covet what we have. They covet those that love us. They will try to destroy us and those around us to get that love.

But my heart hurts for them.... I know they hurt... Why can they not see?
What would God have us do?
I pray for them... but where do I draw this line? Can they be shown the way to God's love?

Should I play with fire and hope not to be burned?

To forgive I know... but forgetting is much harder... Please pray for those touched by the destruction caused be the selfish devil. I fear the aftermath of a great storm would be easier to repair...

“Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though t'were his own.”


Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“To be at one with God is to be at peace ... peace is to be found only within, and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all. Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul.”

Ralph Waldo Trine

Amy

Sometimes we need to cry."Tears can wash away the haze and when the tears are gone we see the world with new eyes." Spring rain seems to feel the same way.It washes the earth and everything looks new and fresh again. With the rebirth of everything that comes with spring I long for renewed strength. Spring will flood our senses with beauty and freshness. The flowers and trees are so ready for the steady warmth of the sun just as I am. Maybe this will be the year the cold will leave for good. It has gotten better over the last few weeks and then it returned. Although in thinking back maybe it is only the fact that I have been so busy. It must have been there but I didn't even notice because I was occupied with more important things.
So much racing through my head today and for the last few weeks. I can't seem to find the time to lose myself in these memories and thoughts. Yet I know this cold will remain ever present until I let the tears wash my eyes and release the vice of sorrow that holds my heart so tightly these days. The vice that has total control and seems at every chance to be intent on consuming my life with this darkness. You would think I would have learned by now to just let the tears come and go. Still that wonderful thing we call ego assumes control. I deny them again and again only for them to rally the forces and bring me to my knees once again.
And then I am reminded that sometimes life knows where we should be even when we think otherwise. Life, God, knows we need to slow down and things happen so we do. It has been a hard week for many around us and my prayers have gone out continuously for those families. How do you fill the emptiness in your arms that the loss of a child of any age leaves? I wish I knew the magic cure. I know from my own trials that every step is different some easier than others. You think things are going to be easier and something brings all the pain to the surface. Like it was right there all the while. It seems that time doesn't change this. The pain will always be there lying in wait. Even though we have been through the loss of a child I don't have magic words to help with the pain for another parent. My heart breaks. But I know words cannot even come close... J my arms ache with you and your family. Some days it is comforting to know we were chosen to host these precious angels. And then there are the days I am so mad at God I think why would he do such things to his "angels".
“Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength.” Ovid

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

Peace for your days
Amy

Some days before I even open my eyes are days I know will be a battle. Days I know not to look anyone in the eye. Days I hope I can avoid all conversation. Days I just hope to fake it through. I long for conversation and still I cannot get away quickly enough. I hate to be alone on these days but I seem to have no patience or tolerance on these days. My mind wanders and tears come so easily. This shell I use to protect myself crumbles at the least little thing. Poor soul who politely asks " How have you been?". I feel bad but don't have the strength to explain, hopefully they will forgive me for the tears. On these days I don't feel I can bear this weight, this sorrow, forever. By dinner time my eyes sting from the tears that have bathed them all day.
I wonder what Heaven will be like. Will all our loved ones be there waiting? Will they know we are on the way? Will they be the age the were when they left us? Or will they have grown as we have. Maybe they will be exactly as when they departed this life. So many questions death leaves on our heart and minds. And just think this body as we know it will never know the answers....
Birthdays are always a family event. Birthdays always make difficult days. Today is not a birthday but it is a birthday party. Again my mind journeys back through the past. Remembering birthdays when Amber and Brittany were young. How things are different for the younger two and how they are the same. I remember Brittany's 5th bday party. Nicholas, her best friend, cried the whole party because they weren't 4 together any more. They couldn't be twins now. She tried to console him to no avail. That makes me laugh now, but it was sad. As families grow and children leave the nest it changes. They are there to share with even though not at home.
I want an address! I could up load pictures and send them to her. I know she is here with us but sometimes I think it would make me feel better if I could send her an email or something. A freakin phone call would be nice!
So much to share with her siblings. How would they be different because of having her in their life longer.
Days like today remind me that I need to do more yoga!

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beautiful Snow

As I sit here this morning in my uncomfortably quiet house... all the girls back at school. I find myself falling into memories of holidays past. Holidays are hectic! This year things were a bit easier. Some days were a struggle and some were not. I am glad they are past.
I was thinking about how much the girls love to play out in the snow. On Wednesday afternoon it started snowing about 3:30. By 7 we had about two inches. We still had school on Thursday, most of the snow had gone. It was a really beautiful snow. Stuck to every branch. As the sunlight faded it looked like a beautiful painting. Every branch and limb hung heavy with this wet snow. The evergreens look even more majestic than usual in the bleak winter landscape of east Tennessee. So peaceful. It made me think of our brief time with Angel Bitsy. So awe inspiring yet so brief. Snow flakes are so powerful in numbers and so fragile alone. I guess that's kind of how angel babies are. We need to nurture them and protect them. All the while we think we are the strong ones, and then we learn the real strength is them. My heart hurts to think you have been gone from us for two years tomorrow. In one moment it feels like an eternity and in the next I can't believe it has been that long.
I think my neighbors think I am crazy. I love to sit out in the falling snow. A quiet peace blankets the earth as the snow blankets the ground. Silently it covers all the ugly and turns the once brown and muddy ground to a beautiful and bright scene. Maybe I feel closer to heaven, maybe I can hide the tears. No one thinks twice about a red face or stuffy nose when you are out side in the cold.
So many times I am awed by the glory of things around us. And that tremendous joy can be shattered by the harshness of this cruel world just as I see the splendor. Snow seems to sooth my soul. The cold I feel is justified momentarily. Sometimes I feel I can never escape this cold. In the snow I don't even feel the need to try. Funny how the strangest things can bring a glimpse of comfort to a broken heart. Snow seems to make time stand still some times. Snow can force the world to stop. Even if only for a split second, it does. Maybe that's why I find comfort here. As hard as I try, the world marches ever forward dragging me along,ready or not.

"What is essential is invisible to the eye" from the Little Prince.
how true.... So much we have to learn from this life. So much that we carry in our hearts. Can you count the life lessons that show? I've often remind myself that I am who I am because of my journey. How can I be sure to teach my children this when they cannot really see or touch it. I am trying to live by example. I only hope they will see what is unseen in my heart and know.

Angel Bitsy is 19

Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy. Angel Bitsy turned 19 12/1/10

How I long to touch her hand. To hear her laugh. To smell her perfume. To pick up her laundry...the simple tasks of motherhood seem so profound. Reading a book to a young one on your lap, for the thousandth time. Tucking them back in bed after the umteenth trip for water. Snuggling up after a bad dream. Mending hearts and pride after someones harsh words. Teaching them how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The first school program......Watching them become an independent and beautiful young adult...
So many things we take for granted.
Christmas for me has always been so much fun. Watching the excitement in the eyes of everyone, young and old alike. Christmas is so painful, so much effort now. Hopefully this will change as time marches steadily onward. Daily we go through this life just going through the motions if you will. Not truly living to the fullest. Not loving with all our heart. I feel like I am doing this with Christmas. Can you honestly say you give your heart completely and unconditionally to anything or even more importantly any one? I can! My husband and best friend Tom, my children and my family( yes family is a work in progress.) I still get mad at them but I know nothing will stop my love for them. And I know this sounds crazy sometimes but I do love my God. I still get mad at him too. I know God has given me the strength required to get myself and my family through this journey. Brittany's words are echoed through my mind when I get down. "Mom it could be so much worse." Through all my trials I can see that I am truly blessed. I have the love of my life right here going down this bumpy road with me. This has been a blessing and a curse at times. Sometimes when I want to vent or just cry it's so hard to lay that extra weight on his shoulders. I know he struggles with this also. If I had to choose who would travel this road with me the only choice would be my best friend. The only one who knows me. The only one I trust to look over me in this journey. No judgment. Thank you god for that blessing. Thank you for helping us grow together not apart as I have watched so many do. Thank you for the Angels you placed around me for me to lean on when I feel I cannot take one more step.
When you go through something so painful like losing a child there is a part of grief that no one can prepare you for. You cannot see it coming and you cannot avoid it. I call it the fog. When you know what you need to do or even want to do but you just can't do it. Others who have gone through this journey know it can last for years. I feel I have been on the edge of the fog for a while now. And like they say hind sight is 20/20. I can see the fog from here and how it changes you. Tom is finally starting to see it in himself also. I see glimpses of my husband there. He is coming back. If you have been here you know what I am talking about. The fog or like a friend says "faking it til we make it" robs you of the joy you find in anything. The zest for life, anything that used to bring you joy doesn't. I can see it lifting from my husband and every time I think about it I cry tears of joy.
I look out on this world with different eyes now. I feel like my heart has opened a whole new world to me. It is my duty to share the love I have found with anyone who will listen.
I watched a video today that touched my heart. Thanks CB. It was about how we all have angels with us. I believe we do. If you open your heart the angels will lead you. The Angels will show you the gifts of life no matter how small. But you have to listen with your heart. They are there to guide us if we listen. Life can be confounding in so many ways, and they are our blessing. There for comfort or understanding(from the video). All we have to do is listen and ask. I talk to my Angel quite regularly. We have a great relationship. My Angel never gets angry or discouraged. And my Angel always seems to know what I need.

I hope you will talk to your Angel today. Just say "hello"!And if it touches your heart maybe a "thank You".

Thank You Angel!
Hope you have a blessed Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays
Amy