Some days before I even open my eyes are days I know will be a battle. Days I know not to look anyone in the eye. Days I hope I can avoid all conversation. Days I just hope to fake it through. I long for conversation and still I cannot get away quickly enough. I hate to be alone on these days but I seem to have no patience or tolerance on these days. My mind wanders and tears come so easily. This shell I use to protect myself crumbles at the least little thing. Poor soul who politely asks " How have you been?". I feel bad but don't have the strength to explain, hopefully they will forgive me for the tears. On these days I don't feel I can bear this weight, this sorrow, forever. By dinner time my eyes sting from the tears that have bathed them all day.
I wonder what Heaven will be like. Will all our loved ones be there waiting? Will they know we are on the way? Will they be the age the were when they left us? Or will they have grown as we have. Maybe they will be exactly as when they departed this life. So many questions death leaves on our heart and minds. And just think this body as we know it will never know the answers....
Birthdays are always a family event. Birthdays always make difficult days. Today is not a birthday but it is a birthday party. Again my mind journeys back through the past. Remembering birthdays when Amber and Brittany were young. How things are different for the younger two and how they are the same. I remember Brittany's 5th bday party. Nicholas, her best friend, cried the whole party because they weren't 4 together any more. They couldn't be twins now. She tried to console him to no avail. That makes me laugh now, but it was sad. As families grow and children leave the nest it changes. They are there to share with even though not at home.
I want an address! I could up load pictures and send them to her. I know she is here with us but sometimes I think it would make me feel better if I could send her an email or something. A freakin phone call would be nice!
So much to share with her siblings. How would they be different because of having her in their life longer.
Days like today remind me that I need to do more yoga!

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson