Changes

Fall has always been a favorite season for me.
 I guess I find it hard to really dislike any season entirely.

 I love the cold of winter.
The snow and ice can be so incredibly beautiful.
The lazy days snuggled up with family or a good book.
I do tire of the bleak days with limited sunlight if any.

 Spring brings a rebirth of the Earth.
 And renewed strength for me with the promise of more sunny days on the way.

Maybe I will escape this constant cold for a brief moment in the warm spring sunlight.
 As summer brings all it's glory and warmth I am reminded of summers past at almost every step.
 Summer is such a big part of childhood. Years are measured by summer and Christmas by most children it seems.
 As summer comes to a close it seems I am again drawn to family memories and what can never be.
       Lost potential ...

 Maybe it is the work I must do emotionally to prepare myself for the season and holidays to come.

 Maybe somewhere in these painful but sweet memories I am healing.

           Maybe I am learning to find my way out of this dark dark sorrow.

 As I sit here letting the memories flood my heart and mind. I can't help but let the tears flow I'm sure you know...

 I remembered our family trip to the "Trail of Doom".
 It's a corn maze near us. They have a haunted maze and an ghoul free maze. We found our way through the ghoul free maze first. We went on a hayride and picked our pumpkins.That was fun enough and the haunted maze was opening since it was just getting dark. I think Rose was 4, Savannah 7 Brittany was in 8th grade and Amber would have been a junior. If you know me, you know I think children should be prepared for the world as it is.. SCARY and all. As long as bad dreams aren't following them I think it's okay to expose my kids to scary things. I knew this maze was safe. A good scare now and then helps you learn to laugh at your fears. Heck I love scaring the little buggers! They have learned how to get even with me in the same way.

 Okay, back to the story.... So we as a family group, literally a huddle, begin our journey into the "Trail of Doom" as you walk thru the maze you happen upon scary creachers of every sort. Alien and otherwise. So I guess we were about half way through the maze when a chainsaw bearing "Jason" walked out of the corn behind us! Before this Amber had been bringing up the rear of our huddle. Amber rushed past me shoving me, who happened to be carrying Rose, into the corn!
 So picture this I can't use my hands to help myself up because Rose is clinging to my neck with all her might, The Looking over my shoulder she whispers"run mommy run". As I struggle to get up out of this "row" we have made into the corn the "monster" helps us up as the rest of the family keeps running...We did eventually emerge from the Trail of Doom unharmed, well most of us anyway.....

Family memories can be energizing for me at times and at others they can be so completely draining I don't know how to move on. I wish I had more video. I have started taking more... of the everyday kind of memories too.

I hope you all have a blessed Christmas.

Please add the Martin family to your prayers. Kyle might not make it through Christmas. Pray for the gift of peace for his wife and children. He is only 42. I won't say that's too young for cancer because any age is too young for cancer as far as I am concerned.

love and prayers

Amy

This Is from several months ago. I didn't realize I never posted it...

Okay tears, okay darkness It's your turn...
 I need some rest from this mask of strength...
                     this faking it...
 I will not stay here.

 Bitsy would not like it!

 The quiet of the morning is sometimes too much...
 When I can do yoga or exercise it strengthens me.
                   Right now that is not the case.
 Not much real exercise of any type and it's feeding those monkeys super food!
 Getting old stinks!
 Youth is wasted on the young..
. someone reminded me of that the other day, how true...
. At least the youthful healing and energy in some cases...
 we should heal faster as we age not slower!
 I had been running for months again, slowly increasing my mileage...
 looking forward to being able to run with Tom again and him not have to get a second work out after running with me...

 I miss our runs...

 I was swimming and doing Yoga so I wouldn't hurt myself, push too hard...
                          and then my elbow started acting up, not the one I broke, the other one...
 soooo I tried doing less Yoga, more swimming,
                      then it hurt to swim so guess where I ended up...
                                     running....
 
 was doing okay, didn't hurt too bad,
    then one run I had what I thought was a really intense cramp in my low calf,
 I limped through the rest of my run, it took a week or so for the pain to let off enough that I could run...

 Silly Me!

 I had pulled my soleus muscle, that in turn made my body do what they are so wonderful at doing...

 compensating!

 That caused my shin splints to get really bad really fast...

 stress fracture...!

 but did I listen to these whispers to slow down?
                                  Of course not, not me, I'll just run easier....

            Ha!

 When you don't listen to the whispers,
 Life WILL start throwing bricks!

 And trust me her aim is dead on.

 So here I sit going slowly out of my mind in this beautiful boot!

 since the middle of August and for another month at least Tom calls me Ahab!

 He says he imagines laying in a hammock below deck listening to my clunk, step, clunk. All this aside we are doing well.

 Amber is finishing up her senior cross country season and doing better than ever.
Studying hard and working on getting into UT's Accelerated Nursing Program after graduation in May.

So we may have her home for a while after graduation. Zach is still sweet as ever. Hopefully accepted to the Police Academy in Anderson. Did the test and physical, now wait to hear. Still working hard coaching and getting his training business off and running. Doing a great job at it also!

 Savannah is finishing her first cross country season.Has done awesome! Not sure she will run this week, she jammed a few toes on Monday. She is up and around, takes way to much to keep her off them feet, guess she gets it honest.Doing well in school too. So proud of her hard work. She is in Drama and Drama Club and loves it! Our house may not live through this "Drama awakening" Homework has been heavy this year! But still keeping A's and B's!

 Rose is running cross country as well, and loving it! I think she has Amber's middle school records in her sights.Gymnastics is in full, swing doing awesome of course. She is so much like Tom it is crazy, expects nothing less than perfection in everything! She can be so hard on her self. Her friend Caroline was over last week. They were out on the trampoline doing back handsprings or something. Caroline would do one then Rose and then Rose would grumble about how that was not right, not this or that. Talking about herself. Caroline said" listen to Rose, she does a perfect one and doesn't like it. Me, I am doing the one that needs work!"
 As I said in my last post Tom is back out there running. Racing now. First place a few weeks ago in the" Dam hard Challenge" at Norris Dam State Park. That's where he runs most of the time anyway. Had a funny/scary run a week or so ago. Picture this.... Big sign, he said he didn't remember seeing it before. But didn't feel the need to stop and read it... He has never been a sign reader, that's why I'm the navigator when we travel! Okay, so he had been running the trails in the watershed for maybe 10 minutes or so(2 miles at least) when he hears this deep country voice call out to him" Ya better be careful fella, it's deer huntin season ya know" He said he looked around and it took a few seconds to find this hunter in his tree stand rifle in hand! Ok! so he thought I'm at the top now, I have to go down either way. Just hope I can get the heck out of here alive. All the way through the rest of the trail hunters would call out to him and warn him! He said it was crazy how large some of the scopes were! like the size of dinner plates! So many out there in their tree stands he saw. I wonder how many more he didn't see. So "deer huntin season" is over we think but he has been running other parks just in case. Crazy man I love! No wonder I am insane too!

 33 months ago our borrowed angel was called home. This morning when I was awake, when no one should be, I thought about all the people who have been there to lend a hand.
 Thank you!
 As I lay there letting the monkeys guide me through this painful journey it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Some moments pass so slowly and some are fleeting. Days are easier for the most part, some still very hard. No rhyme or reason for the difference most of the time. Just still some are hard. The hard ones seem to be harder now but not as often. Finding this new normal continues as I know it will forever. I still question when will I know why, if ever.
 God please show me the way through this valley.
      How I long to be on the mountain top with a clear view of all that lies ahead I know you have laid out              the perfect path.
 Guide my steps.
 Help me surrender and be led.
 Help me allow my heart to open and see your direction.
 Give me the strength as I know only you can, to lead and be led.
 Open my eyes and heart to the blessings I am given every day.
 Bless all those walking this long and painful journey.
 Bless those helping me everyday on my journey.
                       Show me the way to be your light in this path.
 In Jesus name I pray Amen

 A blessing I share with Amber was brought out into the light this week.
 Its a beautiful song
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezf3e44rRI0&noredirect=1

 its called Long Time Traveler these are the words

 These fleeting charms of earth Farewell,
your springs of joy are dry
My soul now seeks another home
 A brighter world on high
 I'm a long time traveling here below
I'm a long time traveling away from home
I'm a long time traveling here below
To lay this body down

 Farewell kind friends whose tender care
 Has long engaged my love
 Your fond embrace I now exchange For better friends above
 I'm a long time traveling here below
 I'm a long time traveling away from home
 I'm a long time traveling here below
To lay this body down...


 We both have discovered this song individually.
 Somehow brings us both peace with the sadness.

 Beautiful voices and words.

I know she was not here long.

 Not long enough for us but long enough to touch so many lives.

Long enough to touch our hearts and the hearts of those around her.

 Thank you for remembering us in your prayers...

 We joined The Curesearch walk here in Knoxville in September with a team Bitsy's bows.

 We did great!
Thank you to every one who helped us.
 We were in 2nd place until the morning of the race. Ended up in 4th for fund raising. A great effort by all! The walk raised 31k for Curesearch!

If you remember that's the cards Britt put with her bows when she gave them out.
 I'm sure she would be proud!
 Thank you for remembering Bitsy.

 It hurts to think she is forgotten.

 She was and still is part of our life.

 Don't be afraid to mention her name.
 Don't be afraid to share a memory.
 The bittersweet sorrow is an important part of healing for all of us and you also

. Life is fleeting.

Tomorrow is not a guarantee.

 Love now... Share now...

 Love and peace, Amy