Some times it seems as if Bitsy is just away and will return any day from some extended trip... Oh how I wish it were true.
Amber is home for winter break and sometimes that seems to make pain rise to the surface. I see her doing what she wants and thoroughly enjoying college. I wish so much Britt could have experienced this as well. She so loved learning. She was so excited about learning anything and everything she could. I guess in hind sight she appreciated the one thing so many of us take for granted and sometimes dread. Learning...It helps to think of her as still with us guiding our paths.
In so many ways children are so much wiser than we are. They trust their hearts and give in to desire. Willingly enjoying the hum drum of every day. Do you remember the joy of summer vacation and the anticipation of the holidays. As you get older and begin to doubt, you don't give in to that doubt. You still let your heart rule your mind and you "Believe"! That's enjoying the ride for sure. There is a quote that say's I would rather regret what I have done than regret what I have not! What would life hold for us if we could bypass that adult reasoning and live like that 24/7? Living in the moment , for the moment all the time! I will give it my best shot for you Bitsy and for all of my girls. I want to get everything that life will give. True love knows sometimes when all you want do is to hold on with everything in you... that's when you have to just let go....
Angel Brittany
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I don't know where to begin. Sleepless nights used to be my way of life. In the year before Bitsy died I slept less and less. At the end her meds were on a 2 hour schedule with some on a three hour schedule. That made for very little sleep. I guess my body just grew accustomed to not getting more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep. Now sleepless nights make for very hard days. Memories flooding back all day. Fighting the tears back over and over. So many times a complete stranger will unknowingly set off a cascade of tears. Poor soul. They don't realize how or why just feel awful now. And then there are those who can sense my pain and know I need a hug or a kind word. I think I have gotten really good at hiding. And then they walk into my life and remind me I don't have to hide. I don't have to hold my tears in.
The beautiful friends that are hurting by this lost. Brittany's friends. They randomly reach out to let me know they haven't forgotten and that she made such an impact on them. Though each time they do it tears me apart I am so blessed they do share their love with me. They feel they can share their pain with me. That is very healing in it's own painful way. A mom shared that her son was remembering Britt the other day and how sad he still was. How he couldn't believe a year had passed. It is hard to watch the joy her friends are experiencing. The joy I wish she was sharing. Still I ask why Brittany, why us? I get so tired of people saying "nothing happens for a reason". I don't want to wait years to understand. I am hurting now Her family and friends are hurting now! I wish I had a super power like Powder did in the movie by the same name. I wish I could touch that mother on the arm when she is being so hateful to her child. The father that has reached his limit of patience. Touch them and share the pain of this loss. Would that change their actions? Would that insight make a difference in the life of that child. If I can share anything with any of you, I would hope it is to know life is fleeting. Love with all your heart and live with all your heart. Learn to love this journey, even if the destination is unthinkable. We will not arrive and begin to live. We have to live now. Love now.
The beautiful friends that are hurting by this lost. Brittany's friends. They randomly reach out to let me know they haven't forgotten and that she made such an impact on them. Though each time they do it tears me apart I am so blessed they do share their love with me. They feel they can share their pain with me. That is very healing in it's own painful way. A mom shared that her son was remembering Britt the other day and how sad he still was. How he couldn't believe a year had passed. It is hard to watch the joy her friends are experiencing. The joy I wish she was sharing. Still I ask why Brittany, why us? I get so tired of people saying "nothing happens for a reason". I don't want to wait years to understand. I am hurting now Her family and friends are hurting now! I wish I had a super power like Powder did in the movie by the same name. I wish I could touch that mother on the arm when she is being so hateful to her child. The father that has reached his limit of patience. Touch them and share the pain of this loss. Would that change their actions? Would that insight make a difference in the life of that child. If I can share anything with any of you, I would hope it is to know life is fleeting. Love with all your heart and live with all your heart. Learn to love this journey, even if the destination is unthinkable. We will not arrive and begin to live. We have to live now. Love now.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together”
So true today. How I need to feel the sun on my face. Hear the birds sing their song. Spring please hurry!
So true today. How I need to feel the sun on my face. Hear the birds sing their song. Spring please hurry!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Today was a day filled with good moments. Thank you lord for that! We are so infected with cabin fever I think we will all go mad. The sun helps so much. I really wish I could skip right to spring. I am finding a renewed energy and lifted spirit with each day that passes. I hope it continues. It's so random what will push me off the edge of this cliff I am walking. A picture or a song. Even a smell. Some days the same things are fine and then Wham! It gets me.
Through my travels in this pain I have met some awesome people traveling this rough and bumpy road. One mom has a son taken by cancer as well. Her son Jon was the same age as Brittany. I do fine comfort thinking of all the fun they are having. All the trouble they are causing. They really sound like they would have been friends here on earth for sure. He was interested in many of the same things. And I found out several months ago that their birthdays were 2 days apart. I try to keep the good things in the front of my mind. Push the scary hard struggles to the farthest corner I can find.
I was thinking today about when Brittany's hair started falling out after her first chemo. After she got it cut she decided to shave it. So we are all in the bathroom with her. She decided she would let her little sisters start with the sides. One the older of the two was really fast and disinterested. We were worried she would take an ear off. The youngest took her time and was very careful. Very patient and meticulous. I was trying to show her how to use the clippers, but I wasn't doing it right so daddy took over. She almost had to wrestle the clippers away. By the time she was done we were all laughing. We still chuckle about it.
Remember as you travel through this life to look for the little blessings in every day. They are there, no matter how small. You may not see them in the moment. Some times as I look back I see them so clearly. Life happens in the moment. LIVE IT!
Amy
Through my travels in this pain I have met some awesome people traveling this rough and bumpy road. One mom has a son taken by cancer as well. Her son Jon was the same age as Brittany. I do fine comfort thinking of all the fun they are having. All the trouble they are causing. They really sound like they would have been friends here on earth for sure. He was interested in many of the same things. And I found out several months ago that their birthdays were 2 days apart. I try to keep the good things in the front of my mind. Push the scary hard struggles to the farthest corner I can find.
I was thinking today about when Brittany's hair started falling out after her first chemo. After she got it cut she decided to shave it. So we are all in the bathroom with her. She decided she would let her little sisters start with the sides. One the older of the two was really fast and disinterested. We were worried she would take an ear off. The youngest took her time and was very careful. Very patient and meticulous. I was trying to show her how to use the clippers, but I wasn't doing it right so daddy took over. She almost had to wrestle the clippers away. By the time she was done we were all laughing. We still chuckle about it.
Remember as you travel through this life to look for the little blessings in every day. They are there, no matter how small. You may not see them in the moment. Some times as I look back I see them so clearly. Life happens in the moment. LIVE IT!
Amy
where has it gone
Posted Feb 8, 2010 10:02pm
It is amazing, no matter how hard I wish for it to stop... time marches steadily on.This only solidifies in my mind that there is a God and he knows better than we do what is best for us. I find myself in total awe some days that we have come this far and are still functioning(well sort of most of the time). Some days are much harder than others still. In the last few weeks we have disassembled Britt's room down stairs. That has made for some really hard times. Rose has had a few bad dreams since and we feel sure that's why. As the school year drags on things are going well for Savannah and Rose. Savannah always struggles more with her studies and loves the "other" things. Savannah is really starting that middle school girl stuff. I really wish we could skip the "I am just too cool" stage. Rose loves reading and invents her own homework so she doesn't feel left out. Amber has an official boyfriend. And things are going well for her. Tom and I are trudging along. Both of the stores are doing well. Same old same old. We finally got some snow and had a lot of fun sledding. Hope we get some more this season. But I really could use the sun for a week or so. My mind and heart would benefit from it's warming rays. Some days it's hard to even get warm under the covers.
Hope this finds you all well also.
I find staying positive is the only thing keeping me afloat sometimes so here are a few positive thoughts for you all...
What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
Oscar Wilde
Love to you all!
Amy
It is amazing, no matter how hard I wish for it to stop... time marches steadily on.This only solidifies in my mind that there is a God and he knows better than we do what is best for us. I find myself in total awe some days that we have come this far and are still functioning(well sort of most of the time). Some days are much harder than others still. In the last few weeks we have disassembled Britt's room down stairs. That has made for some really hard times. Rose has had a few bad dreams since and we feel sure that's why. As the school year drags on things are going well for Savannah and Rose. Savannah always struggles more with her studies and loves the "other" things. Savannah is really starting that middle school girl stuff. I really wish we could skip the "I am just too cool" stage. Rose loves reading and invents her own homework so she doesn't feel left out. Amber has an official boyfriend. And things are going well for her. Tom and I are trudging along. Both of the stores are doing well. Same old same old. We finally got some snow and had a lot of fun sledding. Hope we get some more this season. But I really could use the sun for a week or so. My mind and heart would benefit from it's warming rays. Some days it's hard to even get warm under the covers.
Hope this finds you all well also.
I find staying positive is the only thing keeping me afloat sometimes so here are a few positive thoughts for you all...
What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
Oscar Wilde
Love to you all!
Amy
Merry Christmas
Posted Dec 27, 2009 11:19pm
I hope the holidays have been blessed for you all. Things have been crazy here. As the we gear up for the holidays at our stores things are almost more than I can handle. I guess they are a blessing in disguise... no time to think of much else. Some days are still not as easy as I would like. It was very hard to really get in the spirit. I try for the sake of Savannah and Rose, but I feel as though I am just going through the motions. Finding the joy has been a struggle. I enjoy seeing the excitement of the younger children. But aside form that it has been a struggle. An inner struggle. Maybe the truth behind Scrooge was something sinister like cancer. I feel guilty not doing things equal for her as I have her whole life. Shopping, cooking, wrapping, everything. As I did what little decorating I did this year I was immersed in memories at every turn. I know this was our first Christmas without her. I hope it will get easier as we make new memories and new normal routines.
I think I have had less patience with the excesses of our society this year. I am disgusted by the greed and waste we have grown accustomed to. What will it take for this world to realize THINGS are not what matter?
Amber has been home for a week now. It's nice having her home. But it makes me realize how much things are different with her off at school. Savannah and Rose like having her home as well. And every day I see how much she is like her father. Two hard heads in the same house are very difficult to live with.
We try to keep Brittany's memory fresh in our minds without dwelling in the darkness that can accompany that. Rose seems to talk about Brittany easier than Savannah. Amber is doing well. I feel I am. Though no doubt Amber(psycology this semester) would disagree. Tom is moving along at his own pace. We are finding our new normal. I still have to stop and say" this must be a nightmare" it doesn't seem possible. Some days I just want to sleep all day. And I still have my sleepless nights now and then. Not so much any more thankfully. I think running has helped that.
Thank you for all your prayers.
Best Wishes for the coming year!
Amy mom to Angel Brittany
May the angels keep you til morning.
May they guide you through the night.
May they comfort all your sorrows.
May they help you win the fight.
May they keep watch on your soul.
May they show you better ways.
May they guard you while you're sleeping.
May they see you through your days.
May they show you new hopes.
May they still your every doubt.
May they calm your every fear.
May they hear you when you shout.
May the angels keep you til morning.
More than this I cannot pray.
And if the angels ever fail you.
Then may God be there that day.
~ Author Unknown
I hope the holidays have been blessed for you all. Things have been crazy here. As the we gear up for the holidays at our stores things are almost more than I can handle. I guess they are a blessing in disguise... no time to think of much else. Some days are still not as easy as I would like. It was very hard to really get in the spirit. I try for the sake of Savannah and Rose, but I feel as though I am just going through the motions. Finding the joy has been a struggle. I enjoy seeing the excitement of the younger children. But aside form that it has been a struggle. An inner struggle. Maybe the truth behind Scrooge was something sinister like cancer. I feel guilty not doing things equal for her as I have her whole life. Shopping, cooking, wrapping, everything. As I did what little decorating I did this year I was immersed in memories at every turn. I know this was our first Christmas without her. I hope it will get easier as we make new memories and new normal routines.
I think I have had less patience with the excesses of our society this year. I am disgusted by the greed and waste we have grown accustomed to. What will it take for this world to realize THINGS are not what matter?
Amber has been home for a week now. It's nice having her home. But it makes me realize how much things are different with her off at school. Savannah and Rose like having her home as well. And every day I see how much she is like her father. Two hard heads in the same house are very difficult to live with.
We try to keep Brittany's memory fresh in our minds without dwelling in the darkness that can accompany that. Rose seems to talk about Brittany easier than Savannah. Amber is doing well. I feel I am. Though no doubt Amber(psycology this semester) would disagree. Tom is moving along at his own pace. We are finding our new normal. I still have to stop and say" this must be a nightmare" it doesn't seem possible. Some days I just want to sleep all day. And I still have my sleepless nights now and then. Not so much any more thankfully. I think running has helped that.
Thank you for all your prayers.
Best Wishes for the coming year!
Amy mom to Angel Brittany
May the angels keep you til morning.
May they guide you through the night.
May they comfort all your sorrows.
May they help you win the fight.
May they keep watch on your soul.
May they show you better ways.
May they guard you while you're sleeping.
May they see you through your days.
May they show you new hopes.
May they still your every doubt.
May they calm your every fear.
May they hear you when you shout.
May the angels keep you til morning.
More than this I cannot pray.
And if the angels ever fail you.
Then may God be there that day.
~ Author Unknown
Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy
Posted Nov 29, 2009 8:52pm
For the moment the anger is gone thankfully. Sometimes it is replaced by peace sometimes by sadness. 12/1/2009 would have been Bisty's 18th birthday. I wish sometimes time didn't march steadily onward, moving us forward against our desires. Sometimes I wish the world could stop spinning and let us rest. Let us catch our breath. For one moment stop. It doesn't seem possible for 11 months to have passed without you here.But I guess that might be a blessing of time itself. I know that is only a dream. I know the world marches on with or without us. Please don't let one chance pass you by to share how much someone means to you! People pass through our lives everyday. They are here and then they are gone. Let them know you care. I know Brittany would not have wanted us to dwell in the darkness and sorrow. I know she would have said "suck it up and get busy with life". So we shall!
Thanks to you all once again for helping us in our journey. We know we have leaned on a lot of caring and loving shoulders. Some we have leaned harder on than others and THANK YOU!
I hope you all had a wonderful love filled Thanksgiving!
Amy
Affliction comes to us all, not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but to make us wise; not to make us despondent, but by its darkness to refresh us as the night refreshes the day; not to impoverish, but to enrich us.
-Henry Ward Beecher
For the moment the anger is gone thankfully. Sometimes it is replaced by peace sometimes by sadness. 12/1/2009 would have been Bisty's 18th birthday. I wish sometimes time didn't march steadily onward, moving us forward against our desires. Sometimes I wish the world could stop spinning and let us rest. Let us catch our breath. For one moment stop. It doesn't seem possible for 11 months to have passed without you here.But I guess that might be a blessing of time itself. I know that is only a dream. I know the world marches on with or without us. Please don't let one chance pass you by to share how much someone means to you! People pass through our lives everyday. They are here and then they are gone. Let them know you care. I know Brittany would not have wanted us to dwell in the darkness and sorrow. I know she would have said "suck it up and get busy with life". So we shall!
Thanks to you all once again for helping us in our journey. We know we have leaned on a lot of caring and loving shoulders. Some we have leaned harder on than others and THANK YOU!
I hope you all had a wonderful love filled Thanksgiving!
Amy
Affliction comes to us all, not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but to make us wise; not to make us despondent, but by its darkness to refresh us as the night refreshes the day; not to impoverish, but to enrich us.
-Henry Ward Beecher
Do you ever just wish you could vanish
Do you ever just wish you could vanish off the face of the Earth for a while? Not alone, with my husband and girls but just really vanish from all the stresses of life and really let them go...So often I just wish I could. I am tired of this sorrow. I am tired of this hurt. I see pain in the eyes of those around me, those I love are hurting too and I want it to go away. But I know it will not go away. It will not pass. Me head tells me in time it might fade but my heart says it will not. Is it wrong for me to be jealous of all the beautiful kids who were Brittany's friends enjoying their senior year. I wish so much she could have. Every event is like salt in this wound at one more special thing she didn't get to be a part of. All I can ask is why, why , why. Why does this god that is a god of love and peace let things like this happen to the innocent. Will I always feel that twinge of anger at another child who gets to live. Another family untouched by this awful disease. I feel guilty! Why couldn't we have beaten this. Why did it choose us. I want it all back. I want my beautiful daughter back!I want my family to be whole again. I don't like to see the fear in my 10 year old's eyes every time some one hurts or is sick. A 7 year old shouldn't know this pain! A 19 year old shouldn't lose a sister to lean on and confide in. A mother and father shouldn't know the pain of this loss. How is this right. Some days I think how can I go on like this for the rest of my life. Wondering how it would have been with her here. How would her existence have changed us, and the world.
Yet all the while the world goes on like nothing has changed.....
Yet all the while the world goes on like nothing has changed.....
In case you are counting
sted Aug 7, 2009 5:52pm
In case you are counting ...
6 months have come and gone and tonight will be 7 months since our sweet angel was taken. I have good days and bad or as Amber so wisely tells me "no mom make them bad moments not days". So I have bad moments. I am still blown away by the little things that send me over the edge. We are managing quite well I guess. Thing are moving along as break neck speed in the world that never stops. We are trying to find time to stop and smell the roses.
I think sometimes and I'm sure I am not the only one to think this thought. "How can we feel so empty and so alone when we are not at all." I have three beautiful girls still here with me and All i can think about is how Britt would have changed the scene. What would she have said or done to make things different. She always had an opinion to add to any conversation.
And I still have my moments where I am so angry at God I can't see straight. Right now seems to be one of those. How could he do this terrible crap to such beautiful innocent children. How can he test us over and over like this? One day I will break. It is easy to say let him guide you , he will show us the way. It is another thing entirely to do it! I know this will pass, don't worry about me. I am venting an when I have finished crying I will feel what I like to think of as his hands. The peace will come again and I will carry on in this fight to find my own new normal. You know how you feel after a good cry, you feel healed and empowered, your strength is renewed. I will feel that again. I will not let this bad moment be a bad day...
I love you all!
Thank you for letting me vent , Thank you to those that send your words of encouragement. They do help.
Mom to Angel Brittany
In case you are counting ...
6 months have come and gone and tonight will be 7 months since our sweet angel was taken. I have good days and bad or as Amber so wisely tells me "no mom make them bad moments not days". So I have bad moments. I am still blown away by the little things that send me over the edge. We are managing quite well I guess. Thing are moving along as break neck speed in the world that never stops. We are trying to find time to stop and smell the roses.
I think sometimes and I'm sure I am not the only one to think this thought. "How can we feel so empty and so alone when we are not at all." I have three beautiful girls still here with me and All i can think about is how Britt would have changed the scene. What would she have said or done to make things different. She always had an opinion to add to any conversation.
And I still have my moments where I am so angry at God I can't see straight. Right now seems to be one of those. How could he do this terrible crap to such beautiful innocent children. How can he test us over and over like this? One day I will break. It is easy to say let him guide you , he will show us the way. It is another thing entirely to do it! I know this will pass, don't worry about me. I am venting an when I have finished crying I will feel what I like to think of as his hands. The peace will come again and I will carry on in this fight to find my own new normal. You know how you feel after a good cry, you feel healed and empowered, your strength is renewed. I will feel that again. I will not let this bad moment be a bad day...
I love you all!
Thank you for letting me vent , Thank you to those that send your words of encouragement. They do help.
Mom to Angel Brittany
time marches on
Posted Jun 8, 2009 12:19am
tonight is 5 months, there are more good days than bad now but the bad are still bad. We all have our little moments when we feel Brittany with us. Be it Brittany or just coincidence it somehow helps us to think it's her touching our lives. Amber and I were driving the other day and Amber said she tells me everything, out of the blue my phone started playing Crazy Train. Like someone dissagreed with what Amber said. Though things will never be the same we are forging our own new beginnings and marching on even though we would all like to go back to the way things were before Cancer. Every day brings new joys of watching our daughters grow and learn. We have to cherish these in a bitter sweet way. Remembering the past and sorrowful about the future. We are spending as much time as a family as we can and the girls are doing well. We went to the beach in may and it was nice to get away. Hopefully we will do some more traveling before school goes back. hope you all are well.Thank you for your prayers.
Amy mom to Angel Brittany
tonight is 5 months, there are more good days than bad now but the bad are still bad. We all have our little moments when we feel Brittany with us. Be it Brittany or just coincidence it somehow helps us to think it's her touching our lives. Amber and I were driving the other day and Amber said she tells me everything, out of the blue my phone started playing Crazy Train. Like someone dissagreed with what Amber said. Though things will never be the same we are forging our own new beginnings and marching on even though we would all like to go back to the way things were before Cancer. Every day brings new joys of watching our daughters grow and learn. We have to cherish these in a bitter sweet way. Remembering the past and sorrowful about the future. We are spending as much time as a family as we can and the girls are doing well. We went to the beach in may and it was nice to get away. Hopefully we will do some more traveling before school goes back. hope you all are well.Thank you for your prayers.
Amy mom to Angel Brittany
We are here
posted Apr 26, 2009 10:04pm
We are here, I won't say we are okay. Because we are not. We exist day to day in a fog. Going thru the motions of everyday life. Not a dawn passes without the hope that this will be the day we are rescued from this hell. The day we wake up from this nightmare and all it has done to our family. As I look at my girls I wish they didn't have to go thru this. I wish Savannah and Rose had their 2 big sisters! I want to talk to her and her get mad about some crazy opinion on which we differ. I have found (Tom pointed it out this morning) Sundays are a struggle. No matter what we have planned or how busy I stay, they are just hard. We have for as long as I remember, had a big family breakfast on Sunday. Even if Britt didn't join us in the kitchen she would shout her opinion from her room. Her ears were bionic and if we said something she wanted to rebut she did! I really haven't thought about this until now. Maybe this will help me, by telling you I have told me.
Amber went back to school today she will finish up on May 22nd, as do Rose and Savannah. They are doing well. How I long for the ability to deal with grief as they do. they are so resilient. We can see changes but they are doing great. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Amy
We are here, I won't say we are okay. Because we are not. We exist day to day in a fog. Going thru the motions of everyday life. Not a dawn passes without the hope that this will be the day we are rescued from this hell. The day we wake up from this nightmare and all it has done to our family. As I look at my girls I wish they didn't have to go thru this. I wish Savannah and Rose had their 2 big sisters! I want to talk to her and her get mad about some crazy opinion on which we differ. I have found (Tom pointed it out this morning) Sundays are a struggle. No matter what we have planned or how busy I stay, they are just hard. We have for as long as I remember, had a big family breakfast on Sunday. Even if Britt didn't join us in the kitchen she would shout her opinion from her room. Her ears were bionic and if we said something she wanted to rebut she did! I really haven't thought about this until now. Maybe this will help me, by telling you I have told me.
Amber went back to school today she will finish up on May 22nd, as do Rose and Savannah. They are doing well. How I long for the ability to deal with grief as they do. they are so resilient. We can see changes but they are doing great. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Amy
thank you all
Thank you all!
Posted Mar 3, 2009 2:12am
As I spend yet another sleepless night my heart needs to reach out to all of you who have helped us through this nightmare called cancer.
Even though it has only been a few weeks I can see the blessings we have been given to help us. The angels we crossed paths with daily at Children's Hospital and any where else we seemed to need one... They were always there to catch us.
Please let me share some thoughts that comfort me in hopes that they will comfort you as well.
Many of you don’t know that Dr Vickie changed Britt’s pain meds around Christmas. Well this change made her go from sleeping all the time to being awake most of the time. We had more time to talk and just hang out with her . Just because of this one change! We would sit up til 4 or 5 am just talking. Yeah we had to get up at 6 but I wouldn’t change it a bit …. You know you really can learn to function quite well on 1 or2 hours of sleep a night. I think all this extra sleep over the last 2 months is messing me up…
The last day we had with Brittany was a special one.
Maddie our 15 year old lab died the morning before Brittany. The day before Britt was set free from this torture we spent singing lullabies and reading stories to her. She said I love mommy, I love daddy, I love Amber, I love Cup (Savannah) I love Rose, I love Grandma. She said she loved everyone. She even asked Amber “ ya need some underwear? I’ll send you some..” We gave her a bird bath with baby wash so she smelled like a lavender. Her fuzzy head smelled sweet like a newborn baby. That smell you just can’t get enough of . We changed he sheets ,and dressed her in her new jammies Amber got her for Christmas.
Everyone said I love you , and gave her a big hug before going to bed. Britt was awake looking out the window for a while. She watched some How its Made and then fell a sleep. She didn’t seem to be afraid. I was right there with her as I had been for weeks.
After she was given last rights and blessed, her expression somehow changed to almost a smile ! Savannah said it was because she and Maddie were playing in heaven together. Rose drew a picture of Britt and Maddie with angel wings playing together, with a broken heart on the back.
She isn’t sick anymore ,she doesn’t hurt anywhere, she can eat what ever she likes, she is free, she is in a better place. even though we would like her here with us we know she is finally at peace. She is like a water bug that fell asleep only to wake up and find she is a dragonfly with beautiful shinny wings. She can see us but cannot return to where we are. One day we will join her.
Thank you all for your love and support through this trial. I also am comforted by the words of Fr Chris , about the gold smith proofing the gold in the fire over and over he puts it into in the fire to bring out the impurities so they could be scraped off. Britt would have liked that I think. We are not ready but she was. She has had her trial by fire. I only hope to face my “fire” with half as much grace and dignity.
God Bless you all . God bless the angels that fight this battle daily. Incredible healing in one child and incredible loss in the next. Bless Dr Vickie and her wonderful staff, all the volunteers, and everyone who helped us in this horrendous journey.
Posted Mar 3, 2009 2:12am
As I spend yet another sleepless night my heart needs to reach out to all of you who have helped us through this nightmare called cancer.
Even though it has only been a few weeks I can see the blessings we have been given to help us. The angels we crossed paths with daily at Children's Hospital and any where else we seemed to need one... They were always there to catch us.
Please let me share some thoughts that comfort me in hopes that they will comfort you as well.
Many of you don’t know that Dr Vickie changed Britt’s pain meds around Christmas. Well this change made her go from sleeping all the time to being awake most of the time. We had more time to talk and just hang out with her . Just because of this one change! We would sit up til 4 or 5 am just talking. Yeah we had to get up at 6 but I wouldn’t change it a bit …. You know you really can learn to function quite well on 1 or2 hours of sleep a night. I think all this extra sleep over the last 2 months is messing me up…
The last day we had with Brittany was a special one.
Maddie our 15 year old lab died the morning before Brittany. The day before Britt was set free from this torture we spent singing lullabies and reading stories to her. She said I love mommy, I love daddy, I love Amber, I love Cup (Savannah) I love Rose, I love Grandma. She said she loved everyone. She even asked Amber “ ya need some underwear? I’ll send you some..” We gave her a bird bath with baby wash so she smelled like a lavender. Her fuzzy head smelled sweet like a newborn baby. That smell you just can’t get enough of . We changed he sheets ,and dressed her in her new jammies Amber got her for Christmas.
Everyone said I love you , and gave her a big hug before going to bed. Britt was awake looking out the window for a while. She watched some How its Made and then fell a sleep. She didn’t seem to be afraid. I was right there with her as I had been for weeks.
After she was given last rights and blessed, her expression somehow changed to almost a smile ! Savannah said it was because she and Maddie were playing in heaven together. Rose drew a picture of Britt and Maddie with angel wings playing together, with a broken heart on the back.
She isn’t sick anymore ,she doesn’t hurt anywhere, she can eat what ever she likes, she is free, she is in a better place. even though we would like her here with us we know she is finally at peace. She is like a water bug that fell asleep only to wake up and find she is a dragonfly with beautiful shinny wings. She can see us but cannot return to where we are. One day we will join her.
Thank you all for your love and support through this trial. I also am comforted by the words of Fr Chris , about the gold smith proofing the gold in the fire over and over he puts it into in the fire to bring out the impurities so they could be scraped off. Britt would have liked that I think. We are not ready but she was. She has had her trial by fire. I only hope to face my “fire” with half as much grace and dignity.
God Bless you all . God bless the angels that fight this battle daily. Incredible healing in one child and incredible loss in the next. Bless Dr Vickie and her wonderful staff, all the volunteers, and everyone who helped us in this horrendous journey.
doing ok
doing ok
Posted Jan 21, 2009 8:23pm
I won't say we are fine because we will never be fine again! But we are making it. I guess it's good we are used to taking each day as they come and each minute at a time. Tom and I both just keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I know she isn't sick anymore and there is no pain for her but I just still don't like hearing people say she is in a better place. I know she is but my "better" place would be with us! I know that's selfish but that's how I feel! The only thing that makes it ok is I know she IS pain free and no longer sick. She can read to her hearts content and maybe she has already visited Egypt. Now she will know all the secrets of heaven and earth. Well I didn't mean for this to head in this direction so I guess I better go. Thank you all for your support, love and prayers. And If I told you to wait to send food it's ok now we are no longer covered in cold cuts. If you still are interested please call and let me know when. there are a few people still doing dinner now and then. And that does help. Thank you all again. We were overwhelmed by all the love at the funeral it's very comforting that we are surrounded by so much love. It would be very easy to be bitter about all that has happened, but you all make the difference. Savannah and Rose are doing good I think Savannah is taking it harder than Rose but they are both good. Amber is back at school and doing ok . Thankfully she has lots of good people around her there also. and Track practice started monday so she will be very busy with that and classes.
Take Care
Amy
Posted Jan 21, 2009 8:23pm
I won't say we are fine because we will never be fine again! But we are making it. I guess it's good we are used to taking each day as they come and each minute at a time. Tom and I both just keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I know she isn't sick anymore and there is no pain for her but I just still don't like hearing people say she is in a better place. I know she is but my "better" place would be with us! I know that's selfish but that's how I feel! The only thing that makes it ok is I know she IS pain free and no longer sick. She can read to her hearts content and maybe she has already visited Egypt. Now she will know all the secrets of heaven and earth. Well I didn't mean for this to head in this direction so I guess I better go. Thank you all for your support, love and prayers. And If I told you to wait to send food it's ok now we are no longer covered in cold cuts. If you still are interested please call and let me know when. there are a few people still doing dinner now and then. And that does help. Thank you all again. We were overwhelmed by all the love at the funeral it's very comforting that we are surrounded by so much love. It would be very easy to be bitter about all that has happened, but you all make the difference. Savannah and Rose are doing good I think Savannah is taking it harder than Rose but they are both good. Amber is back at school and doing ok . Thankfully she has lots of good people around her there also. and Track practice started monday so she will be very busy with that and classes.
Take Care
Amy
our angel is in heaven
Our angel is in Heaven
Posted Jan 8, 2009 3:17pm
Brittany Marie Dever, 17, of Powell passed peacefully into the waiting arms of our Heavenly Father on January 8th, 2009, surrounded by her loving family after a courageous 2 ½ year battle with cancer. She is finally free of pain. She loved to read especially Harry Potter books, and she loved movies like Pirates of the Caribbean. She was fascinated by Egyptology and wanted to study Archeology at the University of Cambridge in England. Even going through chemo treatments, she still managed her home schooling, where she always posted straight A’s. She doted over her loving cat socks, who stuck by her side day and night till the end. She was our trooper that we all drew strength from. We will always remember her grace, dignity, and kindness, even while dealing with the harsh treatments that cancer threw her way. She knew that cancer could take her body, but it could never take her mind, heart, and soul. She went on the advice of the late Jimmy Valvano, when he said, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up!” She is survived by her father Tom, mother Amy, and her three sisters, Amber Lynn, Savannah Nicole, and Mackenzie Rose. Grandparents Bill and Elaine Dever, David and Cheryl Graves, Robert and Linda Ollivier, Great Grandparents Walt and Eula Mae McGee, and many uncles, aunts, and cousins. We wish to thank everyone for their prayers, and all the special doctors, nurses, and volunteers at East Tennessee Children’s Hospital in the clinic and second floor. Where they became part of our family. Services and viewing will be at Mynatt Funeral home in Halls. Other arrangements incomplete at this time.
Posted Jan 8, 2009 3:17pm
Brittany Marie Dever, 17, of Powell passed peacefully into the waiting arms of our Heavenly Father on January 8th, 2009, surrounded by her loving family after a courageous 2 ½ year battle with cancer. She is finally free of pain. She loved to read especially Harry Potter books, and she loved movies like Pirates of the Caribbean. She was fascinated by Egyptology and wanted to study Archeology at the University of Cambridge in England. Even going through chemo treatments, she still managed her home schooling, where she always posted straight A’s. She doted over her loving cat socks, who stuck by her side day and night till the end. She was our trooper that we all drew strength from. We will always remember her grace, dignity, and kindness, even while dealing with the harsh treatments that cancer threw her way. She knew that cancer could take her body, but it could never take her mind, heart, and soul. She went on the advice of the late Jimmy Valvano, when he said, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up!” She is survived by her father Tom, mother Amy, and her three sisters, Amber Lynn, Savannah Nicole, and Mackenzie Rose. Grandparents Bill and Elaine Dever, David and Cheryl Graves, Robert and Linda Ollivier, Great Grandparents Walt and Eula Mae McGee, and many uncles, aunts, and cousins. We wish to thank everyone for their prayers, and all the special doctors, nurses, and volunteers at East Tennessee Children’s Hospital in the clinic and second floor. Where they became part of our family. Services and viewing will be at Mynatt Funeral home in Halls. Other arrangements incomplete at this time.
falling off a cliff
Posted Jan 6, 2009 9:04pm
Well I guess I can't say this is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I have been sitting here for quite some time trying to figure out what to say. I guess first, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. If you got a chance to visit Britt before this cruel disease played its latest card, you are blessed! Even Dr Vickie was shocked at the changes that have occurred this past week. We were hoping some new symptoms were morphine related, but now know they most likely are not. It has spread again. We have NOT given up hope! Her tiny body has taken so much. Her beautiful mind and spirit have astonished us all. So many times it has been her wisdom beyond her years to lift us out of the sorrow. I know I don't need to ask but keep us in your prayers. Even as tough as this is on her she is still the comedian, keeping us laughing at every turn. We are trying to stay ahead of the pain and thankfully that seems to be working. She is cheerful when she is awake. But you don’t always get an answer to the question you ask. For those of you writing letters, keep them coming. We read them to her again and again. I’ve told her we would write back if she wanted but nothing so far. She does enjoy hearing from you. As for visiting we don’t mind but catching her awake is hit or miss. Sometimes she sleeps all day and sometimes she is awake. We don’t know one day to the next. And as for our house if you want to see it, make an appointment, if you want to see us, come anytime.
Amy and Tom
Well I guess I can't say this is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I have been sitting here for quite some time trying to figure out what to say. I guess first, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. If you got a chance to visit Britt before this cruel disease played its latest card, you are blessed! Even Dr Vickie was shocked at the changes that have occurred this past week. We were hoping some new symptoms were morphine related, but now know they most likely are not. It has spread again. We have NOT given up hope! Her tiny body has taken so much. Her beautiful mind and spirit have astonished us all. So many times it has been her wisdom beyond her years to lift us out of the sorrow. I know I don't need to ask but keep us in your prayers. Even as tough as this is on her she is still the comedian, keeping us laughing at every turn. We are trying to stay ahead of the pain and thankfully that seems to be working. She is cheerful when she is awake. But you don’t always get an answer to the question you ask. For those of you writing letters, keep them coming. We read them to her again and again. I’ve told her we would write back if she wanted but nothing so far. She does enjoy hearing from you. As for visiting we don’t mind but catching her awake is hit or miss. Sometimes she sleeps all day and sometimes she is awake. We don’t know one day to the next. And as for our house if you want to see it, make an appointment, if you want to see us, come anytime.
Amy and Tom
remembering
Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
A friend found this and sent it to me ..... it really says it all
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
A friend found this and sent it to me ..... it really says it all
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