gratitude

I am truly blessed.

My road in this life has not been an easy one. It has been full of detours and pot holes for sure.
 as I sit here this morning in my quiet house I am reminded of my blessings. And there are to many to count.
My kind hearted husband, our beautiful family. Those are at the top of the list for sure.

Looking around at the families I work with this season it seems to hit home even harder how many are without the basics.
Shelter and warm clothing and food.
So many struggling to feed their families.

Why do I have so much?


What makes me more deserving of the gifts?

How can my heart be so hollow and broken in one moment and feel so full in the next?


Will this void ever shrink?


Will I ever feel whole again?

 I used to think I would never be able to fully feel happiness again.

 Yet here I am feeling so happy, content and at peace with this journey, so whole.

The wisdom we gain from years is real. So many elders try to share the wisdom they have gained. How often do we as younger beings dismiss their advice? " It won't be that way for me." But then years later we reflect back to that advice and know they were right.

Slow down and live life for right now.
What am I missing because I am in a rush? I have my to do list to be done!
Stop!  Life doesn't give us repeats very often.

 Driving to class yesterday, I passed the nursing home where mom was as I do every Thursday. It was different yesterday, harder.

 How I wish she were here. Healthy and vibrant as she was so long ago.

What would I do to hold my beautiful Bitsy for one ore hour?
Just to touch her warm soft skin…

 I have so much and yet I long for the things that I cannot have. The love that has gone on. The hugs from arms no longer with me. The sweet sounds of voices silenced in this world.
Sometimes I have to allow myself to grieve more. To let the tears wash away the sad memories and usher in the memories that make me cry tears of joy.
 Holidays have been hard for these years without Brittany. This year I feel  I can bear them. They are about building new memories too. Thank you for this gift. The gift of joy to share with my girls who have been through so much already.

Thank you for my gifts and blessings
Thank you for my caring husband, who always makes me smile
Thank you for my beautifully talented daughters. They are all so different yet alike in so many ways
Thank you for the friends and family you have surrounded us with. The ones who are there when we need a shoulder or just a smile and hello.
Thank you for our healthy bodies and healthy minds.
Thank you for so many other things I am to blind to notice that make my journey easier.
Thank you for my peace.
Thank you for showing me how to allow my heart to love again.

May you and yours have a wonderfully blessed holiday season.
May you slow down and savor each and every moment you can.

Amy

Birthdays are usually a celebration. Birthdays bring laughter and smiles,old friends and sometimes family. Those who bring joy with them into our lives. We choose carefully the ones to share the special memories made on birthdays.
Birthdays can be a time of reflection, a time of reliving the past. If only for a while it can be a time that friends and family feel at ease to remember with us.
It is always okay to share your memories of Brittany with me. Even though I may cry it heals my heart to know you still remember. You have not forgotten our sweet Brittany. We have not forgotten. Sometimes it seems the world marches on and forgets. Please don't forget.
It's okay to say her name. She is always in our thoughts.
Sometimes I wonder, I think Rose and Savannah forget. They were so young. Yet I don't want them to forget.  I want them to remember the good times.
As the holiday season is well under way I think it is important for us to create new traditions so they have a part in the new choices. I also did not realize they do value some of the "old" traditions. Things I assumed they would out grow.
Savannah got upset they we handn't made the traditional trip for pumpkins, corn stalks and mums. She finally broke down,  she said Amber and Brittany were gone and things were not the same. It made her sad to give this up. So she and daddy did their trip to round them up.
It is so hard to understand what means something and what is irrelevant. Something so trivial can mean so much.
This was the first Thanksgiving Amber didn't come to visit. She is making her own new life there in Louisville. She is stressed with school but loves it. It makes my heart happy to see her chasing her dreams. I remember mom guilting me so hard for not making the trip "home" for and holiday. I teased Amber, telling her I wouldn't guilt her, I would only cry in silence.   She didn't think it was as funny as I did.
As we reflect on the memories if you have one too, please share. Brittany was old enough to begin creating her own life outside out home. There are so many fun times we weren't with her. Those happy memories are like glimpses into her heart.
I hope your day brings a flood of happy memories of Brittany or any other loved ones no longer with us.
Happy 22 nd birthday Beautiful Angel Brittany.

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

mom

Days sure have a way of slipping by. The summer has flown. Full of adventure and fun, good days and bad moments.


After several years of steady decline mom finally gets her rest.
She was released from the ravages caused by Parkinson's and all her other ails on July 3rd 2013.
Trapped in a body that would not relent.
A body that had it's own agenda it seemed.

Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was finally peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.


My thoughts get muddled here.

Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother.

 We did not always agree.

I do wonder what her life would be if she had discovered she had what she needed long ago. If she didn't seek to find happiness in things and people but in herself. For the last few months she was part of every day for me.
 It's difficult to change so dramatically.
 I miss her so much even though she would demand the moon if I would allow.
Stubborn and demanding, that was mom.
Even to the end she wanted to control all that she could.

Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.

Sadness is so destructive. I think watching mom battle depression and watching it slowly consume her. Watching as one by one she let go of her dreams. The darkness infiltrated every corner. Like some monstrous fog, it hovered and settled around her every time it got a chance.
How would her life have been different if she had made different choices? The choice to fight harder in the beginning. The choice to listen to those telling her to change her lifestyle, to eat better and exercise.

She had been sick for a long time. I watched the ravages of disease on her body and mind. I knew it was close. We talked when we could. I sat and listened to the breath of my sleeping mother when she did not know I was there. I always felt like somehow she would know I had been there. The nurses told her they knew I had been there because she would smell sweet and I took off all those dang bandaids from blood draws. They would leave them on all day!

I'm glad we had some good days these last few months. We got to laugh together. We got to cry together. And with the wonderful technology of today some other family got to laugh and cry with us via facetime or just a phone call.

Thank you to all who stayed right there with us til the end. Thank you to all the angels that choose to care for the informed. It's a difficult and thankless job at best. Yet there were so many kind and gentle souls right there around us helping us make this journey with her.

My step dad seems to be doing his best to stay busy. I think he is afraid to slow down. He is lonely and lost, no purpose. Thats a terrible feeling, to feel unneeded. Even though he spent so much of the time complaining about having to do for her, he was there, He stopped at the store for the ice cream she would take one bite of and then leave to melt. He was there.


My work brings so many families living with such unhealthy habits. I wish they could see through me what it can and will do.
 I see so many longing for something they think they must go out and find. Something that is right there inside them if they only look.

Gratitude is something I understand much more clearly now. I have always tried to be grateful. To ask "why me"for the good and not only the bad. To cherish the little things. To look for my gifts each day.
This journey has been through some pretty despicable valleys but there is always a mountain with a breathtaking view waiting for me to climb.
I know I have changed, I have grown, I have deepened my capacity to love.
I sometimes feel guilty, I am sad to lose mom. And yet the pain is not the same.

The immensity of losing Brittany does not compare with losing Mom.

I guess we all expect to lose our parents.

Life brings people in and out of our days.
Sometimes we see why, sometimes we don't.
Sometimes we welcome the departure and sometimes we are left hurt and broken.

Questioning our choices.

Questioning if we could have made things end differently.

Some, there is always a chance meeting. Some, we know we will not meet on earth again.

 The pain of losing a loved one is agony in either case.

Friends we see places in our lives to help us. Friends who can help us stand when all we want to do is slump to the floor. They can show us our own inner strength. They keep us from falling into a dark hole.
Our guardians if you will.
 And then there are the ones who are there to help us and then we must watch helplessly as they fall of their own choices.

Addiction robs us of so many things. It takes beautiful people and consumes them to a point they are no longer recognizable as the ones we once knew.
It makes then do things to hurt those that love them most. They apologize only to repeat the same thing over and over until they are cut off from everything that really matters. Of course at this point nothing matters to them but the substance or activity of their addiction.
And sometimes this isn't the end of their road. Sometimes something happens to break the cycle. It finally "clicks" or whatever it takes, and they decide they want to live again. Live life, not be lived by addiction. Some succeed and some do not.

We can be a terribly judgmental society at a whole. Are we really worthy to stand in judgement when we have never walked the road they have come to here?

I believe we get from life what we give to it.
When I am generous and caring , life will be generous and caring with me.
Words can be hurtful. Words can do more damage in seconds than actions sometimes.
Words can also change our perspective. Words can set the wheels in motion to change things.

I saw a beautiful video last night and it brought tears to my eyes with its raw truth.
We all get consumed with our own lives and are to busy to help the less fortunate sometimes. Something as a simple change in perspective can make us stop and look at things differently.
The video was of a blind man sitting on the steps of some public building with a sign that said, "Blind, please help". Strangers would toss change his way occasionally but few and far between. A young woman stopped and changed his sign, then went about her way. People began giving the man change almost immediatly. This continued all day person after person would give the man change politely not toss it at him. Then as the young woman returned from her day she stopped again. He asked her what she did to his sign, what did it say. She replied "It says the same, only in a different way."  She changed his sign to say, "It's a beautiful day and I can't see it".

Change your words
Change your world

peace and light
Amy

Broken hearted daddy

February 8,2013
On a morning so like today 49 months ago, tears streaming down my face and his,  I watched out the window as a very broken hearted daddy carried our baby girl Bitsy out of this house forever.

Knowing does not make it easier.

Today I don't think anything would make this treacherous path any easier. Sure we think we can prepare ourselves. But really and truly it is no different for our heart. Maybe it is easier for the head. Or maybe we have heard that knowing makes easier so we convince our ego it is.
Time may dull the pain temporarily. But it does not remove the deep sorrow, the darkness. That sorrow that lay in wait, waiting for the opportunity. Waiting to grab you when you think you have everything in control. When you think you are finally stronger than it is. There, just waiting to consume me.

Perspective, so many times I  think about how a small change in perspective can make a profound change in the way we see things. I often refer to  this devastating sorrow as darkness. It feels dark, it looks dark through my eyes. It is cold and empty, hollow. Sometimes it seems there is no end, no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I am rescued from this vast darkness by something so tiny. Something that allows me to turn away from the darkness. A flame of hope bringing light into the darkness. Something that changes my perspective.

Maybe I am not looking at the darkness through the right eyes. Maybe there too I can change my outlook by simply changing my perspective.  Maybe the darkness isn't trying to consume me. Maybe the darkness is there to strengthen me, Maybe the darkness is like the winter, my winter.

Winter can be crazy here in East Tennessee. Some days are really cold and some can be spring like. The hardest thing for me here are the stacked days of no sun at all. They can come one after the other for what seems to be weeks at a time . Rainy, dreary days that make everything require so much more effort.  Days of cold that don't make it above freezing. When those days are sunny I love the cold. The ones that are cloudy and wet chill us to the core. It seems there is no place on earth warm enough to banish this cold feeling deep inside. Yet even on those days nature is there rejoicing in some way. The mockingbird out my window sings like it is spring. Calling to the sun to bring back it's warm rays. The beautiful colors of nature don't hide even in this cold. The flaming red cardinals and the Blue Jays are there out my window promising spring will come soon. They make me smile and think of springs from the past. I think of what I will plant this year, what new plant will I try to grow. Then I start that mental project list Tom so avoids. And somehow these thoughts warm me.

Winter is a time most of us draw into family and self. We slow down, we relax a bit. We do things that we don't make time for when the sun is warm and bright. A good rainy day is much easier for me to devote to housework than a sunny one. When it's warm and sunny I want to get things done and be out in the warmth. Maybe that's what I have not been seeing. Maybe my winter is needed to strengthen my roots like it does the beautiful flowers. The flowers and trees, all plants use the winter to rebuild, to produce the blooms and fruit for the coming season. Maybe this darkness that I feel always waiting isn't there to smother me but nurture me. Maybe it is there to help me heal. To give me that much needed time to just breathe. To strengthen me for what life holds for me. To nourish my soul like a flower waiting for spring. So my soul may blossom and brighten the world like the flowers do. Happy and cheerful, bringing joy to all around them.
It is hard to allow myself to surrender to the darkness. To surrender this facade of strength that I have grown to wear so well. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can cry. I can let go and be vulnerable. I will be stronger still by allowing the winter to nourish me. Maybe that is why this winter of darkness has been following me for so long. Following me in warm weather and cold. Maybe all along she has been trying to show me all along that she is there for me, not to get me. Maybe there is someone out there that will need me to be strong. Winter must know I need to replenish and refuel.
I will try to look at this darkness of my winter and think about her as a friend. It will be hard to change my thinking Im sure. I am going to try. I feel better about it already. I will allow myself to rest and replenish so that I may blossom and flourish in the beautiful light ahead.

Only in the Dever house can we accomplish three tank catastrophes in one weekend.

There separate fish/turtle tanks demolished. No less than 10 gallons of water on the floor. All in one room. Joyously there were no fatalities other than the tanks themselves.

You have to hear this story. If you are friend or family and you know Rose you will really get a laugh.

Rose, being the independent child she is. Yes, I know she gets that from me... could not wait to move the Beta. The beta she has kept happily in a 1 gallon tank for the last 2 years.

There is a jar in her school office that has a beta with a live plant in it. I think the call it a lily garden tank.

Sometime Friday Rose decided she would move her Beta to a vase like that. They are really pretty. The round glass really makes the fish look great.

Fast forward...
beta out of tank...
New 10 gallon tank(for turtle, this was planned) on floor half full of water ...
Me "Rose you can't fill the vase with all tap water. We don't have the tank safe stuff. You will kill him with the chlorine. Get some water from the pond and only use a quarter of tap water"
Rose" ok"
about 45 minutes pass
Rose, hysterically crying " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me "what broke?", I had forgotten about the move beta was making.
Rose " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me "WHAT BROKE?"
Rose " It broke! It slipped out of my hands! I didn't mean too! ......."
Me, getting upset, dropping a stack of books ( knee deep in a major clean out of the attic and bonus room) " WHAT BROKE ROSE?"
Rose " the Vase, I dropped it."
Me" Its ok he can go back in the tank"
Me, walking in to her room to find that both the vase and the tank are broken "what happened?"
Rose " I was trying to use the turtle tank water to fill the vase and it slipped out of my hands"

Needless to say she was holding the vase over the turtle tank when she dropped it so the vase dropped into the turtle tank shattering the bottom and allowing all the turtle water to soak into the carpet.
Rose's carpet had a nice spot with glass and fish rocks, and water. to wet to vacuum. so it sat there last night with another small tank weighting down a stack of towels.

tank 1 and 2 total loss

Today,

Loud thud,
Shouting...
Rose"it's your fault, you made me drop it!"
Savannah, half laughing, "I didn't even touch you"
Rose"you were in my way"
Savannah"no I wasn't"
slamming door and thumping down the stairs...
Rose, wet hair, shirt and jeans, red mad face" Savannah made me drop the other one!"
Me"What? The new one? "
Rose" yes!"
Me"You are kidding?"
Rose, very mad, "no"

I go up to the room and Savannah meets me on the stairs laughing. This making Rose madder. "Mom Rose dropped the new bowl and the water exploded all up over her!" Laughing more.

Rose dropped the bowl she had just bought at the fish store, it hit the floor and all the water shot straight up into her face. The bowl survived!  However the water is on the carpet in a different part of the room than the water yesterday. This was clean water thankfully. And again Beta escaped by sunning in the window while his house was going places.

Tank 3 survived!

Well, I guess my rest break is over. Just felt the need to share. I still have to get ready for my classes this week. Cleaning the carpet will be a must this week also. This purging my house of the stuff we have accumulated over the last few years feels great. I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. I haven't gotten to Brittany's things yet. I know I will and I know it will be hard. But I know we will get through it. It might take a while, memories are hard to escape when you look at her things. But the good memories outnumber the bad. I am working on keeping it that way too!

Hope you are enjoying warmer weather as we are. Even rainy, at least its warm.

Peace and Light
Amy

I feel have neglected my thoughts.  
It is hard to believe it has been a year since my last post. 
The last year has been good for the most part.

I guess I am getting better at pushing those sad moments from my  days.
They are there, but I am choosing to keep the happy memories with me daily. I try to combat the masses of darkness by surrounding them with the light. The memories that make me smile or chuckle silently. Sometimes I even share and we all laugh. 
I think that is important too . Share the happy memories too. Maybe that has helped  our friends and neighbors are be more comfortable sharing their memories with us. It really helps my heart to know they haven't forgotten. They do think about her too.

 We celebrated Bitsy's 21st birthday with our family of friends. Friends that have been there more than family. Our family is so spread out we have made our own family here close to us. And they have been a wonderful support system. Always there to listen, no words needed. There to cry with us and not be afraid to let it show. 

Don't we all wish there were magic words. Words of wisdom that would instantly stop the pain, for ourselves or for others.
 There are no magic words. Nothing really dulls the pain. It does get easier. But the pain is always there, waiting like a vulture. Waiting to attack when it senses weakness, when you least expect it.

With the New Year come hopes, plans, and dreams of doing things the way we feel we "should". Things we think will make our life easier or happier.  Things that will change our daily routine to make us healthier. Eat less, exercise more, have more patience, keep my house cleaner and accumulate less clutter. 
All of these things are nice . All of these things might make every day a bit less stressful for most. 

This year I will write more, It really feels good to my heart. I will cherish my family even more. I will share the love and joy I find in every day with all that I can. I will show more compassion and help my girls be more compassionate too.  I will pay it forward and do those random kind things. I will help more total strangers in their struggles. I will show those around me that love is all around us if we open our eyes.
Yes my resolutions include the typical,  more Yoga,  more exercise,  eat healthier,  cook healthier,  less clutter,  save more$$,  more organization...
The list could go on and on...
But when you commit to make these changes remember our family and remember life is a gift to be cherished, not taken for granted. 
Consider your choices. How will the effect those around me? How will they make the life of someone besides mine better? Does this say to those around me what I want it to? Am I being truly compassionate in this? 

The shooting at Sandy Hook breaks everyones heart. The pain of losing a child is like no other. My heart goes out to all those families.  Let that encourage you to make the positive changes in your life today. 
I believe most people are truly good at heart. Maybe I am naive, but thats what I believe. I also know it is much harder to do the right thing. It is much easier to follow the crowd. Most of us at one time or another have witnessed something we could have dramatically changed the outcome of with just a few words.  Don't take the easy road and follow the crowd, or look the other way.  Be the one that changes things. Stand up for what is right.
Once you stand up for the weaker one once you will do it again. And hopefully they will have a chance to stand up for someone too. Helping others is the closest thing to magic words or wisdom for pain. Reach out to help those around you and your heart heals bit by bit. 
 All I ask is that you think about it.
 Is this your last chance?


4 years ago today you beat the beast called Slivia(aka cancer). You escaped it's terribly painful clutches. 

You were set free.
Free to discover all the wonders we here bound to Earth cannot even begin to understand. 

The Earth is a much darker, bleaker place without your beautiful soul.

We know you are better and happy you no longer have to struggle for each and every moment. We know you are here with us and will not forget. Our hearts struggle with the dark sorrow each and everyday. Oh, for one more hug or kiss. Just to hear your voice...

Rest in peace sweet Angel Bitsy

Peace and Light to you all,
Amy