Angel Bitsy is 19

Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy. Angel Bitsy turned 19 12/1/10

How I long to touch her hand. To hear her laugh. To smell her perfume. To pick up her laundry...the simple tasks of motherhood seem so profound. Reading a book to a young one on your lap, for the thousandth time. Tucking them back in bed after the umteenth trip for water. Snuggling up after a bad dream. Mending hearts and pride after someones harsh words. Teaching them how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The first school program......Watching them become an independent and beautiful young adult...
So many things we take for granted.
Christmas for me has always been so much fun. Watching the excitement in the eyes of everyone, young and old alike. Christmas is so painful, so much effort now. Hopefully this will change as time marches steadily onward. Daily we go through this life just going through the motions if you will. Not truly living to the fullest. Not loving with all our heart. I feel like I am doing this with Christmas. Can you honestly say you give your heart completely and unconditionally to anything or even more importantly any one? I can! My husband and best friend Tom, my children and my family( yes family is a work in progress.) I still get mad at them but I know nothing will stop my love for them. And I know this sounds crazy sometimes but I do love my God. I still get mad at him too. I know God has given me the strength required to get myself and my family through this journey. Brittany's words are echoed through my mind when I get down. "Mom it could be so much worse." Through all my trials I can see that I am truly blessed. I have the love of my life right here going down this bumpy road with me. This has been a blessing and a curse at times. Sometimes when I want to vent or just cry it's so hard to lay that extra weight on his shoulders. I know he struggles with this also. If I had to choose who would travel this road with me the only choice would be my best friend. The only one who knows me. The only one I trust to look over me in this journey. No judgment. Thank you god for that blessing. Thank you for helping us grow together not apart as I have watched so many do. Thank you for the Angels you placed around me for me to lean on when I feel I cannot take one more step.
When you go through something so painful like losing a child there is a part of grief that no one can prepare you for. You cannot see it coming and you cannot avoid it. I call it the fog. When you know what you need to do or even want to do but you just can't do it. Others who have gone through this journey know it can last for years. I feel I have been on the edge of the fog for a while now. And like they say hind sight is 20/20. I can see the fog from here and how it changes you. Tom is finally starting to see it in himself also. I see glimpses of my husband there. He is coming back. If you have been here you know what I am talking about. The fog or like a friend says "faking it til we make it" robs you of the joy you find in anything. The zest for life, anything that used to bring you joy doesn't. I can see it lifting from my husband and every time I think about it I cry tears of joy.
I look out on this world with different eyes now. I feel like my heart has opened a whole new world to me. It is my duty to share the love I have found with anyone who will listen.
I watched a video today that touched my heart. Thanks CB. It was about how we all have angels with us. I believe we do. If you open your heart the angels will lead you. The Angels will show you the gifts of life no matter how small. But you have to listen with your heart. They are there to guide us if we listen. Life can be confounding in so many ways, and they are our blessing. There for comfort or understanding(from the video). All we have to do is listen and ask. I talk to my Angel quite regularly. We have a great relationship. My Angel never gets angry or discouraged. And my Angel always seems to know what I need.

I hope you will talk to your Angel today. Just say "hello"!And if it touches your heart maybe a "thank You".

Thank You Angel!
Hope you have a blessed Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays
Amy

As I travel down this road we all call life, I am given each day little gifts of joy. Small things that if I am not looking will pass unnoticed. Sometimes as I observe the people and places around me it is hard to maintain the me I let the world see. Why do we all have this self we want to portray to the world? Why is is such a challenge to just be ourselves? Why do we feel we need to hide the real us from the world? If we can only turn away from this ego and turn back to God we see that all that really matters is the love we share.That's what we leave with those we love. It is scary to be the one to love and not jump on the wagon and shut the world out. So many people afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of showing how they care. Afraid of love. Sad really.
I love to just sit and watch the children playing. No adult involvement, just kids and their beautiful imaginations. I have always noticed how boys and girls differ. Even at an early age they just play differently. The girls go about fixing things and making things pretty. The boys are on some adventure or expedition. Children learn what they think the world wants them to do from adults and other children. Wouldn't it be something if we could all just love our selves as we are.Like when we were young and didn't care what the world thought of us. No ego, No fronts, real feelings and real heart. Since Brittany's death I feel like my eyes have been opened on a new vision. I try to look with my heart first. It's not what most adults do. Children do usually. They see the cute little puppy. Its not the mess the dog made ... they see the sweet cute cuddly dog so happy to see them. All we seem to see is the mess.
I read something some where once that this particular writer got up at like 4 every morning to have his time to write. It wasn't always this way . He used to try to write later in the day after work. He would sit down and begin to collect his thoughts and his 4 year old daughter would inevitably come in to talk. He said at first he would get irritated and feel like she was trying to keep him from his work. And one day he realized it wasn't that she wanted to "keep" him from his work. His perspective had changed. She just wanted to spend some quality time with daddy. All the older kids knew not to disturb dad while he was working so she had his undivided attention. That was a way she figured out to get daddy all to herself. She didn't do it maliciously, it was out of pure love she found a way. Love always finds a way. If we let it. If we listen...
With all this talk about childhood cancer over the last weeks it makes it so hard not to dwell in the anger. It is such an awful fate for these families. Cancer is awful as are so many other things in this world. If I look for the gifts things are some what less challenging for me. maybe it's distraction, maybe it's perspective. What ever it may be it has made my journey a little easier. Choosing my battles much wiser now. The peace is much closer when I do. I know that my peace is a gift to be treasured as I know so many without it. Thank you God for granting me this.
In my late night travels across the internet I came across a story written by a survivor, titled the gift of cancer. The writer goes on to lay out how cancer has changed her life and made her aware of things she never had time to notice before. Maybe that is how we can beat cancer. Take away the fear and bring it out into the light so we can forever banish it. If I live my life stressed out and depressed, letting everything upset me I am more likely to get cancer. Stress lets things happen to our bodies that wouldn't otherwise happen. If you take anything from me take this... let it go.. is what you are worried about more important than those you love. I'm not saying give up and be irresponsible. I'm saying don't worry all the time. We all have our worries but how we let them effect us is up to us. Brittany would tell Rose it was her choice to have a good day. No one can make your day bad. You have to let them. or let it.
choose wisely
peace
amy

Would it be easier if she had only been a baby? would a toddler not leave such a void in my life? Forgive my rambling please... Would it have been any easier to not have also lost a friend? We spent countless hours talking in the hospital. lost of days we would just sit and talk with out the TV on. I miss those talks. I miss her opinion. I miss her passion for life. I don't believe it would ever be easier to lose a child. Only different. The pain cuts so deep you cannot imagine how to go on, yet you do.Sometimes I am lost. Some times I have profound clarity.
For those outside my everyday circle. I fractured my right arm about a month ago. I have not been able to run or do yoga the whole time!!!! I am so missing my yoga. I love after a really great practice the peace and clarity i feel. My mind needs the attention. Today has been a hard day. but it is almost over and I know tomorrow will be better. Each day I get closer to healing and peace.
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson
I know I have posted that before but it is for me as well. I need to hear this right now. I need to fuel myself and renew strength.
Thank you for listening
good night
Amy

I miss my friend

I so long to hear her argue with me about some silly little thing. I wish I could hear her get mad and fuss at her daddy for being so hardheaded. 20 months have come and gone without her laughter and without he voice. That is something I have truly come to cherish.Little bits of video that have her voice... Words can be harsh yet just the sound of her voice brings tears so fast I cannot stop them. We miss our baby Bitsy. No parent, no family, no one should endure this pain. I wish I had more of the last year of our time together. To feel your arms around my neck and smell you. The little things hurt the most. I can still smell your baby furs from the day you died. They smelled just like when you were a baby. Just like a freshly bathed newborn. That sweet smell you wish you could drink up.
I miss your eyes, how they sparkled with a smile. So many things I long for just one more of.
I wish I could hear her get steaming mad cause daddy changed her channel. He used to come in and change it to football or something. I can almost hear her fussing. Kind of funny when you think about stuff like this. We always get flustered when the kids fuss and fight. I would give anything to have that back. Arguing with her sisters. Making the remarks as you are leaving the room just so you can almost hear. Little demands happily accommodated just to make her happy.
So many things flooding my mind. My fingers cannot keep up. My heart is breaking again. I have to stop..
goodnight
amy

faking it til we make it...

these are not my words... they are a friends, but they seem to have come from my heart as well. Somethings you can only truly comprehend if you have been through it.
Thank you Rhonda!!!



I tried explaining this to a social worker once and she looked at me like I'd grown 3 heads..She didn't get it and I have often thought that there needs to be a class that we parents give to people explaining how we parents learn to deal with this life....

Faking it until we make it firmly explains how we are and have been dealing with this life for many years now....

We march along...doing all the necessary things...functioning like "normal" people...all the while living with this incredible weight...So, we basically fake it....we fake being like "normal" people...we go out, do things, interact with people..do all the things that society expects of us but it's not real..not really...because inside we are carrying such a heavy burden..it can never leave you..no matter how you try...the fear when they are in treatment..and then pain when they are gone..

So we fake it...

You have to look at more than just the words here....That doesn't mean that all of our interactions with people are fake...that our smiles or laughter is fake..and especially that our love is fake....It just means that we learn to live.....by living....

It simply means that we are hurting....much much more than most people want to hear about or can handle...it is our burden...so we smile and live and function until the pain is a little less and those smiles feel a little less forced..the tears just a little less close to the surface....

We fake it until we make it......

Which is what we are doing now.....we are hurting....we are grieving soo incredibly hard.....but we are living and one day we will make it...one day the pain will be bearable....

Most of us are taught to try to consider life from an others perspective from the time we are very young. To be compassionate, considerate and humble. "Don't judge till you have walked in their shoes." And even then it is not our place to judge. Yet until our life begins to unfold we really do take things for granted. We complain and fuss about how we think things should be. So many times we have to learn the hard way what is really important. We struggle most of our lives trying to create this image of our self. To create this "ideal image" we see in our egocentric mind. Things we think are important to our image. We spend so much energy and effort painting this picture of our self. We don't need to do this! All we should be using our energy for is love. Be our self and love those around us. Love is what people will remember. Our love will outlast our egocentric ways and image. For our ego image is only important in our mind. It will be gone with the last breath we take. Oh if the ego could be banished completely to the darkness. Never to pry itself into the peace. Think of how many times in our lives ego stops us from following our heart, from showing compassion, from showing our love. Yet we find it so hard to brush it away as we should. I try to find the gifts I am given each day and be thankful for them no matter how small. Maybe this is a gift cancer has given me.The gift of seeing. Seeing how things can change and how ego and selfishness can rob every day of the love that should be there. Seeing the small things that add so much to this journey. Allow your heart to lead you and feel the difference in each day. Even in the worst of days there are gifts. I have to keep my eyes and heart open to receive them and be thankful. It is easy to let the bitterness move in and soon it will consume everything around me. I have learned this the hard way also. Unconditional love is the answer..... so hard yet so needed by me and the world. the world around me needs it and I need to give it. My perspective has changed. I can see the hardness that so many people keep in their hearts. They build these walls to protect themselves. If they could only see what they are missing. It doesn't have to be so hard. Call me naive if you will but I do believe in most people there i a good heart. Some have been hardened by life's journey and some choose to be consumed by ego. I believe it is there way down deep. The love is there in us all. We have to choose to accept and share that love. I think that is a gift I have been given by cancer as well. I have chosen to keep my heart open. To let love show me how despite the sorrow my heart feels each hour of every day. I choose to live in love as I know Bitsy would have wanted me to. To revel in the gift of life I have been given. Not to waste one single moment spreading hate or anger. For sometime I let the darkness of negative thoughts get me. Thankfully one of the angels I am blessed with, my oldest daughter, pointed out a different perspective. And since then I tell myself on those particularly hard days to remember what she said. "There is too much hate in the world already momma, don't add any more". I don't want to add any hate. I want to add love.
thank you Lord for my gifts today and everyday
Peace be with you... Amy

Finding peace in the face of our own death must be a gift from above.
Had a long talk with a very dear friend today. She has breast cancer and has chosen not to do chemo and radiation. She was a ICU nurse and chemo would take her only passion away. Now cancer has taken it form her. Unable to do her job because of muscle weakness and fatigue she has let her passion to die. That sounds harsh but that's what it feels like. She is giving all her worldly possessions away. This woman has walked with so many down this road. to some she has been a friend. To some she has been a stranger. She always seemed to see within my soul. She can tell when I need to cry and when I need to talk more to get things out in the open. By helping her heal a relationship with her daughter it has helped me heal. She is moving to Albequerque to be near her only family. I understand that and that is good. I just wish she didn't sound like she is ready to lay down and die today.
As we were talking today I can hear the fear in her voice. I feel the fear. She is a spiritual woman and I know she will be welcomed in to Heaven. Yet there is this fear of the unknown. I shared with her the story I read to Savannah and Rose many times Before Brit died." Water bugs and Dragonflies", Its a sweet story about the waterbugs...they are all so sad when one of them climbs up to the top of a lily pad to rest and never comes back. These few agree to come back. They all promise to come back and tell the others what it was like to sleep on the lily. So the story goes on as one becomes so overwhelmingly tired he must climb to the top of the lily to rest. while he is sleeping changes take place. He becomes a dragonfly. Of course he is still himself. He revels in this new world with his beautiful wings. As he is flying he notices the water bugs down in the water and remembers his promise. He tried to fly down to tell them about this beautiful new world and how they will love it but he bounces off the water. he cannot go down in the water. over and over he tries but finally gives up. Sad he can see them but he cannot tell them he is the same bug. They don't recognize him. He is there but they cannot see.
Is that how it will be. Can they see us but we can't see them. It helps to think they are always here with us watching over us. Bitsy help her to have the peace you did and not be afraid. My friend has in a way been given a gift. She knows her time will soon be over. She knows she must do the things her heart wants NOW. Not wait another minute. We should all live like that. Live like we are dying. Live every minute.
Live today to the fullest. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

August Wilson quotes

Tears come so easily these days. I know we need the rain but I really need the sunny mornings to help me face each new day. Even when it is gloomy there is the promise of sun. I wish my body could run as long as my mind feels it needs to. I know yoga has been a blessing mentally and physically for me. And some days I still wish i could do more yoga too. Maybe my need for sun is only my way of trying to rid myself of this cold. My heart feels so full of beautiful memories but there is this coldness that just won't stay away. I can distract myself for a short while and then it returns.
I know my days will get easier again. I wish they would hurry up and turn. Maybe these hard days are here for me to confront my demons, my darkness. It seems when I push it aside for a few weeks unchecked, the dark days come in a cluster. When I deal with my feelings one day at a time the darkness is short lived.
Yesterday we had a "Rosy" moment... I was fussing at daddy about ignoring me. He said he needs rest. Rose said" Weellll! DaaaDDDY! If you didn't run so much .... maybe you would have time for a nap! And then you wouldn't be tired! lol that girl is a card. She loves to share her opinion. I am sure mom would say she got that from me.Savannah chimed in when he said I had been clingy with " it could be worse... she could be pregnant"! Oh my goodness where did that come from. The only place I can think of is one of Toms employees is pregnant and he has fussed about her complaining.
I feel better now. Just talking for a bit made me feel better. Thank you! I will face the darkness and illuminate it and forgive. I will forgive for myself and my girls. By confronting it it will fade.
peace in your journey
amy

Were do I start? I don't know why, but for the last few days I feel so disconnected from my family. I feel like I am here but not really. I am cheerful lone minute and the next I am fighting to keep my head out of the darkness. I meet people who are traveling along this same road every day. Some are further along and some have only just begun. It doesn't seem that as time passes things are always easier. Yes it seems there are less bad and more good moments. But it seems the road can get bumpy around each and every turn. The mind can be treacherous. The mind can lead us down a road even worse than reality. I always talk about the daily struggle with the darkness. I wish they could turn a switch in my mind that would stop the constant battle. I wish I could have one day in which there was total peace. I am working to achieve this. I know it will come. One day I will be able to control my crazy mind. I am happy I have can lose my crazy mind for a short time with my yoga. I wish my body could deal with more... some days my mind wants more. Let me remember to turn away from my ego and back to God. He is love and he loves me. I have only to love and I will be at peace.
peace and love are what I need
good night
amy

I guess if you need an example of how time skews things here you have it! In my last post I said it had been 18 months and it had only been 17.
Some days I feel like she has been gone forever and some days I feel like it has been minutes. Some time stands still and some times it races on. I never know which I will have. I find myself envious of those who can sleep again. Sleep can be a diversion. I thought sleep was to recuperate and replenish our body and mind. What great sleep commander decides to keep this peace from some of us. When I can't sleep I keep hearing Bitsy tell me how lack of sleep ages you. She use to fuss at me about that. Oxygen and sleep. "Those dumb people in Oxygen Bars are stupid! They are just killing their cells with oxygen!" she would say. She hated to have to use oxygen but she did realize it made her feel better. I wish some times my mind would go completely! Maybe that would be easier. To live obliviously sounds kinda nice at this moment.
Thank you for letting us know you have not forgotten our sweet angel. Thank you for your support and help in this journey.
I sold Rosy's with Toms help. I guess you can say my heart wasn't in it anymore. It feels like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It ripped my heart out to let it go. That was my baby. I built it with Tom's help from the ground up. Didn't get what it was worth but I didn't feel I was doing it justice. Hopefully the new owner will. The name is the same and he said he doesn't plan on changing anything. I don't have a say in that now do I? So if you are looking to stay with us I'll be back at Cork with Tom. So many things cancer has taken from us and I include Rosy's on that ever growing list.
Don't know if we are going to make any sort of vacation trip this year. Tom and the girls talk about it but I resist. Just doesn't feel right. I want to go one minute then I don't! Same battle different day.
Why do I feel the need to hide my pain from those that love me? Why do I have to be the strong one? Why can't I just collapse like one of those women in movies and be rescued? Why must I struggle every day to keep going! Things I love are so hard to do. Is this part of grief? Will there ever be a time that I have the drive and motivation I once did? Daily I battle these bad thoughts. I know they will pass and I know I am stronger. Maybe one day my crazy brain will just give up and let my heart lead this body. Let me live in peace and not a daily battle to stay ahead of the darkness. I worry that we all are losing our minds. Savannah still won't talk openly. Anything about Brittany has to be drug out of her. This is gonna be a hard ride through puberty I can see from here. She is so much like Brittany it's scary sometimes. She will keep everything onside instead of talking to us. She does open up to Amber some . But with Amber going back to school soon I worry about what she will get in to. I do have the comfort of knowing she can call Amber anytime since she has her own cell phone.
I guess I have vented for long enough.
Thanks for listening.
Amy

Sometimes I feel so strong, and then there are those days that beat me down one punch at a time. Some days I have peace and some days I struggle to keep my mind from going off on these rants of injustice. Why this and that. How can this God we trust be like this.Those days are hard for us all. Our crazy ego thinks it knows all. I can only tell myself that this "cloud" will pass, just as the others have. I remember that the only thing I have to do is remember to breathe. When I can really go inward to my heart and listen to my own breath my ego fades even if it's only momentary. It helps me through those breath taking moments every day. Have you ever gotten so stressed that you think you can't breathe? In those crazy moments think about this... listen to your own breath. listen and feel... feel the air as it enters your nose and hits the back of your throat... can you feel it swirling?... is it cool or warm?... feel your lungs drink in this life giving air. It will help you through those stressful times.

The soft answer turns away wrath. When everyone around you seems to be in bad spirits bickering and complaining, take a step back, it's so easy to answer in kind, but instead feel into your heart and answer gently. Let peace radiate from you.. Thanks for this CB! wise words...
Love and peace for your days

Today has come and gone like any other to so many around me. 18months ago Angel Bitsy earned her wings. It would be so easy to give in to the darkness and be swallowed up by grief. Grief so close to my heart at every second of every day I don't know how to explain it. I know there is no need for explanation here. Some days are still much more struggle than others as we knew they would be. So many have reached out to let us know they haven't forgotten her. Thank you! I am saddened by so much as we just passed what would have been Brittany's graduation. It is so hard to watch all these beautiful young souls moving down their paths. Bittersweet... Thank you again for not letting her memory fade.
As I started, it would be so easy to be swallowed by darkness. But we choose to stay on the sunny side of life. We know it is what she would have us do. Look for the rainbows at every chance. There is always something beautiful to be found in every moment if you only stop and take the time to look. Don't let the rain stop you, chase the sun and relish it's warmth and beauty. A cloud does not put out the sun.
peace to all
Amy

As this day brings a beautiful new dawn. My strength is somewhat renewed. I have to remember the promises given and have faith that He is in control. Our brain as humans can be so devious. This thing we call "ego" can be such a kill joy. It thinks it knows what is the way we should continue. It plants doubt in things we have always trusted. We have only to turn our back on ego and turn back to our God to see the love. God did not put us here to suffer. Our ego leads us into much of the suffering. Unconditional love is something we have been told as people of faith we should have. Jesus showed us unconditional love. Why is it so hard for us to really know unconditional love? Ego maybe? We say we love unconditionally and then we contradict our selves by limiting others for our love. Are the worthy? Why should I when?..... I face the challenge everyday of letting the ego win with all it's negativity and sorrow. Most days I am triumphant. Yesterday and several over the past few weeks have beaten my determination to live life as Brittany did. Brittany looked at life with the eyes of excitement and wonder we should all have."Strength to continue when others would crumble"(thanks Amber for that) That was one of the awesome things about her. Incredible will! The will of a true angel. She knew he would protect her, she knew it would be better soon. If only we could tap into that wisdom and not have to fight for it every day. I today am choosing to win and see the love and joy I have been given. I am choosing to be thankful for my journey no matter how difficult it may seem, it is mine. I know I am loved. I must also choose to love myself and forgive myself. Thank you for your prayers,
Amy

give me strength

So many times I say I wish the world would stop for just a moment so I can breathe. I don't think anyone can really understand how real this wish feels unless they have been here. Loss is hard no matter who it is. That is easy to understand. I feel like I have been in this endurance race for the last three plus years. I can see the finish and then they up and change the course. Over the last several months things have really gotten hard mentally. I know it is because financially, cancer, is catching up with me. Months of unchecked expenses and trying to keep things together with no time for thought are finally catching up. Why does it seem men think differently about money. It seems so many live life worried about tomorrow and their nest egg. Women seem to be more present and live for today. I guess that describes me. Knowing your daughter might not make it to the next, whatever, certainly makes teaching priorities fly out the window. So many times I have counted my blessings for being self employed. I could change my schedule and work as I could. Now is not one of those. I have been thinking... There should be something out there to help grieving families "recover". Financially there is aftermath of cancer. Not medical bills per say, but the other stuff... I have tried to get a loan to help and with all this economy stuff I'm sure you know the answer I got. Even with good credit! Somewhere out there I know a mother has been here before. How did she manage. Did she dive up and throw in the towel or continue to stand and fight. When is it time to turn and walk away? Please include me in your prayers. I don't want to give up. I love my store. I know mentally I will be able to run it again. I know I will never be the same but day by day things are more clear. And the bad moments are farther apart now. Please God help me to see the way. Show me your path. You have gotten me this far I know you will not abandon me here.
I have been thinking there should be a resource to help families with small businesses recover after the death of a child. Men also tend to bury themselves in their work. I wish I could do that sometimes. Then I think about my younger girls. It is not fair of me to be absent from their life because I am unhappy in my own presently. I am their mother and they are grieving also. It is my role to help them through this turmoil also. To help them grow and learn from everything here. I can see how a parent of an only child could lose them self in grief very quickly. My other children are a motivation. They are the only thing making me keep moving forward some days.
I had some minor surgery two weeks ago. It has shown me another gift I have been given, Yoga! Baron Baptiste Power Vinyasa is meditation and yoga. Yoga for the mind and body. Until surgery I don't know when the last time I didn't do yoga was. Oh my goodness! I was more concerned about that than the surgery. I enjoy my practice every day! I have practiced twice in a row this week and I finally slept last night! I slept more than 3 hours! Yay!!!!! That's been the max sleep I've gotten for the last two weeks. By 3am I have been up for the day! When I woke up at 5:30am this morning I was so happy! I guess mentally I am at peace or closer to peace. Sleep is nice. You don't realize how the lack of sleep affects other parts of your life until you don't sleep. Things are much easier to deal with on a good nights rest. Then again there is another small blessing we have only to look to find. It has been there all along (well sometimes it's there...lol).
I wish you peace in your days and nights.
Amy

Life goes on, and on,and on. It won't stop no matter how much I sometimes wish it would. Sometimes I just wish it would stop so I can catch my breath. Through all of these trials I have learned to focus on what makes me happy. To let the little things that bother me go. Yeah some days I struggle with this more than others. But most days I can say "look at it, acknowledge it,let it go" for most of the small stuff. It is getting easier. Some things just really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Yeah my house isn't spotless. I do try to keep it clean enough to be healthy. But I have more time for the things that are really what matter to me. My family, my art, reading, my garden I am even enjoying cooking again. And do you know what I have also discovered? Look at all of these things... they help me get rid of stress too. Hahaha that's awesome! See it is true that our heart can lead the way. Follow your heart! Don't get me wrong, I know sometimes you have to listen to your head. But when it can be done listen to your heart. I guess that's like the no regret thing . Live to regret what you have done not what you haven't.
Will this matter a week, or a month, or even a year from now? For most things you can answer No to that question. And when you put things in that perspective it changes a lot. Perspective is very important. Change your perspective and it gives you a whole new outlook. Even something as monstrous as cancer and be demeaned by changing your perspective. I could dwell on the loss. That Brittany lost her fight with cancer. Or I can change my perspective and say Brittany won her battle! The day she died she did. She escaped cancer, it can't hurt her further. She no longer has to fight this battle. She is not in pain and she is not sick. She won't live her life in fear of it coming back. Yes I wish she was here and cancer free and living a happy life. I wish she could do so many things. But I can make the horrible fact that she died feel better just by looking at it as a victory. It was a victory not a defeat. Perspective changes everything. Try it! By changing our perspective we can we can make even the worst situation more bearable. I guess that would be the power of positive thinking at it's best.

Talk about a ton of bricks! That's what it felt like I got hit with today. Just before lunch I got online to check my email before going to see a movie with the girls. Wow! Sydney a friends daughter from the clinic, with neuroblastoma, lost the fight yesterday! Sydney was only 9. She and Brit weren't really friends but they knew each other and she was so precious. Such a battle this beautiful baby waged. She has been fighting since she was 2 or 3. Had a short break cancer free and then resumed the fight a 2 years ago. This week seemed to have been the best week in a progression to what seemed to be a glorious victory over this beast! Not so! Her mom said they think she may have had some sort of bleed internally. So sad. I was shaking and crying so hard I could hardly get control of myself. I can't believe how this hurt.I can, but it brought all the pain right back to the surface in an instant. . My heart aches when I think of think of the things they are going through. I can only hope the shock has brought with it the numbness that will get them through the next few weeks. That's right I said numbness. If you have been down this lonesome road you know exactly what I am talking about. If you have not, count yourself blessed. For a while there is crying and aching and then that gives way to the numb. You feel as if you can't cry another tear. It's is like you walk around in a dream state and you can't wake yourself up. I went on for weeks hoping to wake up from this hell. This week marked 14 months since Bitsy's passing and today I went through the same emotions like I haven't done since that awful time. Mothers and Fathers shouldn't ever have to watch their baby suffer and die at the hands of this monster called cancer. Families are forever scarred and lives irrevocably altered. So much sorrow.
I almost thought about canceling on the movie. I am glad I didn't, it was a good diversion. But the car ride to the movies with a friend and a carload of giggling girls helped.
Life is fleeting. Children seem to know this better than adults. They do things that they know will get them in trouble, why? Because they want it or think they need it. Love them all! Let the ones you love know it now! Don't wait!You do not know what the next moment in life holds. Let them turn up the music, dance in the rain, sing and dance with them! Hold them tight. We are only here but a brief moment in the grand wrinkle of time. Let us all make the most of our moment. And by making the most of our moment surely it will make another moment better as well.
Angel Bitsy and Angel Jon help Sydney to feel safe and loved in Heaven. Help her to see how much she was loves as well.
Pray for the families touched by death from any cause.
If only all of us were as courageous as these children fighting cancer and all other childhood monsters. I know if we had an ounce of their courage the world would be a much better place.
Let us all learn to live in the present. To enjoy the moment for it's own beauty.
Peace, Amy

Follow me through any day and help me to find the beauty. How is it so hard to find the joy and beauty in everything. It is so easy to fall into the trap of negativity. Today we seem to be so obsessed with the bad. Look at our news! How often do they over dramatize the bad things and quickly skim through the really good things. Yeah some stations are making an effort to highlight the good in this world. Bravo! We all could use more positive in our lives. Why is is so easy to find the bad things and not just as easy to change our mind set to find the good. It is there every day, even on the darkest of days. Some times we get so caught up in what isn't going right that we overlook what is. Thank you Lord for giving me beautiful angels at every turn. They are here for me when I need them. They are there when I don't even know I need them. Some times I don't think I can make it through this journey. I am then shown I can and there are so many reasons to love this road. Love this journey, no matter how bumpy. This ride is "my" journey and I will love every one and everything this journey brings me. It is hard but it is a choice. It is my choice. No one can take that choice or make that choice for me. I cannot live afraid of cancer. Afraid of every ache and pain. We deserve to be happy again. We do not need to live in fear. I hope we never have to be touched by this monster again. My heart says this is a pipe dream. This monster called cancer is touching more and more each minute of each day. We will go on in a new way. Learning how to "be" with every new step. Through hills and valleys around each bend in this sometimes treacherous road our path teaches us who we are. Wisdom is not gained from study it is gained through living. Some wise old proverb goes something like this “A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?”
I wish any and all sharing my journey love and peace.. til then

Some times it seems as if Bitsy is just away and will return any day from some extended trip... Oh how I wish it were true.
Amber is home for winter break and sometimes that seems to make pain rise to the surface. I see her doing what she wants and thoroughly enjoying college. I wish so much Britt could have experienced this as well. She so loved learning. She was so excited about learning anything and everything she could. I guess in hind sight she appreciated the one thing so many of us take for granted and sometimes dread. Learning...It helps to think of her as still with us guiding our paths.
In so many ways children are so much wiser than we are. They trust their hearts and give in to desire. Willingly enjoying the hum drum of every day. Do you remember the joy of summer vacation and the anticipation of the holidays. As you get older and begin to doubt, you don't give in to that doubt. You still let your heart rule your mind and you "Believe"! That's enjoying the ride for sure. There is a quote that say's I would rather regret what I have done than regret what I have not! What would life hold for us if we could bypass that adult reasoning and live like that 24/7? Living in the moment , for the moment all the time! I will give it my best shot for you Bitsy and for all of my girls. I want to get everything that life will give. True love knows sometimes when all you want do is to hold on with everything in you... that's when you have to just let go....

I don't know where to begin. Sleepless nights used to be my way of life. In the year before Bitsy died I slept less and less. At the end her meds were on a 2 hour schedule with some on a three hour schedule. That made for very little sleep. I guess my body just grew accustomed to not getting more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep. Now sleepless nights make for very hard days. Memories flooding back all day. Fighting the tears back over and over. So many times a complete stranger will unknowingly set off a cascade of tears. Poor soul. They don't realize how or why just feel awful now. And then there are those who can sense my pain and know I need a hug or a kind word. I think I have gotten really good at hiding. And then they walk into my life and remind me I don't have to hide. I don't have to hold my tears in.
The beautiful friends that are hurting by this lost. Brittany's friends. They randomly reach out to let me know they haven't forgotten and that she made such an impact on them. Though each time they do it tears me apart I am so blessed they do share their love with me. They feel they can share their pain with me. That is very healing in it's own painful way. A mom shared that her son was remembering Britt the other day and how sad he still was. How he couldn't believe a year had passed. It is hard to watch the joy her friends are experiencing. The joy I wish she was sharing. Still I ask why Brittany, why us? I get so tired of people saying "nothing happens for a reason". I don't want to wait years to understand. I am hurting now Her family and friends are hurting now! I wish I had a super power like Powder did in the movie by the same name. I wish I could touch that mother on the arm when she is being so hateful to her child. The father that has reached his limit of patience. Touch them and share the pain of this loss. Would that change their actions? Would that insight make a difference in the life of that child. If I can share anything with any of you, I would hope it is to know life is fleeting. Love with all your heart and live with all your heart. Learn to love this journey, even if the destination is unthinkable. We will not arrive and begin to live. We have to live now. Love now.

“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together”
So true today. How I need to feel the sun on my face. Hear the birds sing their song. Spring please hurry!

Today was a day filled with good moments. Thank you lord for that! We are so infected with cabin fever I think we will all go mad. The sun helps so much. I really wish I could skip right to spring. I am finding a renewed energy and lifted spirit with each day that passes. I hope it continues. It's so random what will push me off the edge of this cliff I am walking. A picture or a song. Even a smell. Some days the same things are fine and then Wham! It gets me.
Through my travels in this pain I have met some awesome people traveling this rough and bumpy road. One mom has a son taken by cancer as well. Her son Jon was the same age as Brittany. I do fine comfort thinking of all the fun they are having. All the trouble they are causing. They really sound like they would have been friends here on earth for sure. He was interested in many of the same things. And I found out several months ago that their birthdays were 2 days apart. I try to keep the good things in the front of my mind. Push the scary hard struggles to the farthest corner I can find.
I was thinking today about when Brittany's hair started falling out after her first chemo. After she got it cut she decided to shave it. So we are all in the bathroom with her. She decided she would let her little sisters start with the sides. One the older of the two was really fast and disinterested. We were worried she would take an ear off. The youngest took her time and was very careful. Very patient and meticulous. I was trying to show her how to use the clippers, but I wasn't doing it right so daddy took over. She almost had to wrestle the clippers away. By the time she was done we were all laughing. We still chuckle about it.
Remember as you travel through this life to look for the little blessings in every day. They are there, no matter how small. You may not see them in the moment. Some times as I look back I see them so clearly. Life happens in the moment. LIVE IT!
Amy

where has it gone

Posted Feb 8, 2010 10:02pm

It is amazing, no matter how hard I wish for it to stop... time marches steadily on.This only solidifies in my mind that there is a God and he knows better than we do what is best for us. I find myself in total awe some days that we have come this far and are still functioning(well sort of most of the time). Some days are much harder than others still. In the last few weeks we have disassembled Britt's room down stairs. That has made for some really hard times. Rose has had a few bad dreams since and we feel sure that's why. As the school year drags on things are going well for Savannah and Rose. Savannah always struggles more with her studies and loves the "other" things. Savannah is really starting that middle school girl stuff. I really wish we could skip the "I am just too cool" stage. Rose loves reading and invents her own homework so she doesn't feel left out. Amber has an official boyfriend. And things are going well for her. Tom and I are trudging along. Both of the stores are doing well. Same old same old. We finally got some snow and had a lot of fun sledding. Hope we get some more this season. But I really could use the sun for a week or so. My mind and heart would benefit from it's warming rays. Some days it's hard to even get warm under the covers.
Hope this finds you all well also.
I find staying positive is the only thing keeping me afloat sometimes so here are a few positive thoughts for you all...
What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

Oscar Wilde
Love to you all!
Amy

Merry Christmas

Posted Dec 27, 2009 11:19pm

I hope the holidays have been blessed for you all. Things have been crazy here. As the we gear up for the holidays at our stores things are almost more than I can handle. I guess they are a blessing in disguise... no time to think of much else. Some days are still not as easy as I would like. It was very hard to really get in the spirit. I try for the sake of Savannah and Rose, but I feel as though I am just going through the motions. Finding the joy has been a struggle. I enjoy seeing the excitement of the younger children. But aside form that it has been a struggle. An inner struggle. Maybe the truth behind Scrooge was something sinister like cancer. I feel guilty not doing things equal for her as I have her whole life. Shopping, cooking, wrapping, everything. As I did what little decorating I did this year I was immersed in memories at every turn. I know this was our first Christmas without her. I hope it will get easier as we make new memories and new normal routines.
I think I have had less patience with the excesses of our society this year. I am disgusted by the greed and waste we have grown accustomed to. What will it take for this world to realize THINGS are not what matter?

Amber has been home for a week now. It's nice having her home. But it makes me realize how much things are different with her off at school. Savannah and Rose like having her home as well. And every day I see how much she is like her father. Two hard heads in the same house are very difficult to live with.
We try to keep Brittany's memory fresh in our minds without dwelling in the darkness that can accompany that. Rose seems to talk about Brittany easier than Savannah. Amber is doing well. I feel I am. Though no doubt Amber(psycology this semester) would disagree. Tom is moving along at his own pace. We are finding our new normal. I still have to stop and say" this must be a nightmare" it doesn't seem possible. Some days I just want to sleep all day. And I still have my sleepless nights now and then. Not so much any more thankfully. I think running has helped that.
Thank you for all your prayers.
Best Wishes for the coming year!
Amy mom to Angel Brittany

May the angels keep you til morning.
May they guide you through the night.
May they comfort all your sorrows.
May they help you win the fight.
May they keep watch on your soul.
May they show you better ways.
May they guard you while you're sleeping.
May they see you through your days.

May they show you new hopes.
May they still your every doubt.
May they calm your every fear.
May they hear you when you shout.

May the angels keep you til morning.
More than this I cannot pray.
And if the angels ever fail you.
Then may God be there that day.

~ Author Unknown

Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy

Posted Nov 29, 2009 8:52pm

For the moment the anger is gone thankfully. Sometimes it is replaced by peace sometimes by sadness. 12/1/2009 would have been Bisty's 18th birthday. I wish sometimes time didn't march steadily onward, moving us forward against our desires. Sometimes I wish the world could stop spinning and let us rest. Let us catch our breath. For one moment stop. It doesn't seem possible for 11 months to have passed without you here.But I guess that might be a blessing of time itself. I know that is only a dream. I know the world marches on with or without us. Please don't let one chance pass you by to share how much someone means to you! People pass through our lives everyday. They are here and then they are gone. Let them know you care. I know Brittany would not have wanted us to dwell in the darkness and sorrow. I know she would have said "suck it up and get busy with life". So we shall!
Thanks to you all once again for helping us in our journey. We know we have leaned on a lot of caring and loving shoulders. Some we have leaned harder on than others and THANK YOU!
I hope you all had a wonderful love filled Thanksgiving!
Amy
Affliction comes to us all, not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but to make us wise; not to make us despondent, but by its darkness to refresh us as the night refreshes the day; not to impoverish, but to enrich us.
-Henry Ward Beecher

Do you ever just wish you could vanish

Do you ever just wish you could vanish off the face of the Earth for a while? Not alone, with my husband and girls but just really vanish from all the stresses of life and really let them go...So often I just wish I could. I am tired of this sorrow. I am tired of this hurt. I see pain in the eyes of those around me, those I love are hurting too and I want it to go away. But I know it will not go away. It will not pass. Me head tells me in time it might fade but my heart says it will not. Is it wrong for me to be jealous of all the beautiful kids who were Brittany's friends enjoying their senior year. I wish so much she could have. Every event is like salt in this wound at one more special thing she didn't get to be a part of. All I can ask is why, why , why. Why does this god that is a god of love and peace let things like this happen to the innocent. Will I always feel that twinge of anger at another child who gets to live. Another family untouched by this awful disease. I feel guilty! Why couldn't we have beaten this. Why did it choose us. I want it all back. I want my beautiful daughter back!I want my family to be whole again. I don't like to see the fear in my 10 year old's eyes every time some one hurts or is sick. A 7 year old shouldn't know this pain! A 19 year old shouldn't lose a sister to lean on and confide in. A mother and father shouldn't know the pain of this loss. How is this right. Some days I think how can I go on like this for the rest of my life. Wondering how it would have been with her here. How would her existence have changed us, and the world.
Yet all the while the world goes on like nothing has changed.....

In case you are counting

sted Aug 7, 2009 5:52pm

In case you are counting ...
6 months have come and gone and tonight will be 7 months since our sweet angel was taken. I have good days and bad or as Amber so wisely tells me "no mom make them bad moments not days". So I have bad moments. I am still blown away by the little things that send me over the edge. We are managing quite well I guess. Thing are moving along as break neck speed in the world that never stops. We are trying to find time to stop and smell the roses.
I think sometimes and I'm sure I am not the only one to think this thought. "How can we feel so empty and so alone when we are not at all." I have three beautiful girls still here with me and All i can think about is how Britt would have changed the scene. What would she have said or done to make things different. She always had an opinion to add to any conversation.
And I still have my moments where I am so angry at God I can't see straight. Right now seems to be one of those. How could he do this terrible crap to such beautiful innocent children. How can he test us over and over like this? One day I will break. It is easy to say let him guide you , he will show us the way. It is another thing entirely to do it! I know this will pass, don't worry about me. I am venting an when I have finished crying I will feel what I like to think of as his hands. The peace will come again and I will carry on in this fight to find my own new normal. You know how you feel after a good cry, you feel healed and empowered, your strength is renewed. I will feel that again. I will not let this bad moment be a bad day...
I love you all!
Thank you for letting me vent , Thank you to those that send your words of encouragement. They do help.
Mom to Angel Brittany

time marches on

Posted Jun 8, 2009 12:19am

tonight is 5 months, there are more good days than bad now but the bad are still bad. We all have our little moments when we feel Brittany with us. Be it Brittany or just coincidence it somehow helps us to think it's her touching our lives. Amber and I were driving the other day and Amber said she tells me everything, out of the blue my phone started playing Crazy Train. Like someone dissagreed with what Amber said. Though things will never be the same we are forging our own new beginnings and marching on even though we would all like to go back to the way things were before Cancer. Every day brings new joys of watching our daughters grow and learn. We have to cherish these in a bitter sweet way. Remembering the past and sorrowful about the future. We are spending as much time as a family as we can and the girls are doing well. We went to the beach in may and it was nice to get away. Hopefully we will do some more traveling before school goes back. hope you all are well.Thank you for your prayers.
Amy mom to Angel Brittany

We are here

posted Apr 26, 2009 10:04pm

We are here, I won't say we are okay. Because we are not. We exist day to day in a fog. Going thru the motions of everyday life. Not a dawn passes without the hope that this will be the day we are rescued from this hell. The day we wake up from this nightmare and all it has done to our family. As I look at my girls I wish they didn't have to go thru this. I wish Savannah and Rose had their 2 big sisters! I want to talk to her and her get mad about some crazy opinion on which we differ. I have found (Tom pointed it out this morning) Sundays are a struggle. No matter what we have planned or how busy I stay, they are just hard. We have for as long as I remember, had a big family breakfast on Sunday. Even if Britt didn't join us in the kitchen she would shout her opinion from her room. Her ears were bionic and if we said something she wanted to rebut she did! I really haven't thought about this until now. Maybe this will help me, by telling you I have told me.
Amber went back to school today she will finish up on May 22nd, as do Rose and Savannah. They are doing well. How I long for the ability to deal with grief as they do. they are so resilient. We can see changes but they are doing great. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Amy

thank you all

Thank you all!
Posted Mar 3, 2009 2:12am

As I spend yet another sleepless night my heart needs to reach out to all of you who have helped us through this nightmare called cancer.
Even though it has only been a few weeks I can see the blessings we have been given to help us. The angels we crossed paths with daily at Children's Hospital and any where else we seemed to need one... They were always there to catch us.
Please let me share some thoughts that comfort me in hopes that they will comfort you as well.
Many of you don’t know that Dr Vickie changed Britt’s pain meds around Christmas. Well this change made her go from sleeping all the time to being awake most of the time. We had more time to talk and just hang out with her . Just because of this one change! We would sit up til 4 or 5 am just talking. Yeah we had to get up at 6 but I wouldn’t change it a bit …. You know you really can learn to function quite well on 1 or2 hours of sleep a night. I think all this extra sleep over the last 2 months is messing me up…
The last day we had with Brittany was a special one.
Maddie our 15 year old lab died the morning before Brittany. The day before Britt was set free from this torture we spent singing lullabies and reading stories to her. She said I love mommy, I love daddy, I love Amber, I love Cup (Savannah) I love Rose, I love Grandma. She said she loved everyone. She even asked Amber “ ya need some underwear? I’ll send you some..” We gave her a bird bath with baby wash so she smelled like a lavender. Her fuzzy head smelled sweet like a newborn baby. That smell you just can’t get enough of . We changed he sheets ,and dressed her in her new jammies Amber got her for Christmas.
Everyone said I love you , and gave her a big hug before going to bed. Britt was awake looking out the window for a while. She watched some How its Made and then fell a sleep. She didn’t seem to be afraid. I was right there with her as I had been for weeks.
After she was given last rights and blessed, her expression somehow changed to almost a smile ! Savannah said it was because she and Maddie were playing in heaven together. Rose drew a picture of Britt and Maddie with angel wings playing together, with a broken heart on the back.
She isn’t sick anymore ,she doesn’t hurt anywhere, she can eat what ever she likes, she is free, she is in a better place. even though we would like her here with us we know she is finally at peace. She is like a water bug that fell asleep only to wake up and find she is a dragonfly with beautiful shinny wings. She can see us but cannot return to where we are. One day we will join her.
Thank you all for your love and support through this trial. I also am comforted by the words of Fr Chris , about the gold smith proofing the gold in the fire over and over he puts it into in the fire to bring out the impurities so they could be scraped off. Britt would have liked that I think. We are not ready but she was. She has had her trial by fire. I only hope to face my “fire” with half as much grace and dignity.
God Bless you all . God bless the angels that fight this battle daily. Incredible healing in one child and incredible loss in the next. Bless Dr Vickie and her wonderful staff, all the volunteers, and everyone who helped us in this horrendous journey.

doing ok

doing ok
Posted Jan 21, 2009 8:23pm

I won't say we are fine because we will never be fine again! But we are making it. I guess it's good we are used to taking each day as they come and each minute at a time. Tom and I both just keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I know she isn't sick anymore and there is no pain for her but I just still don't like hearing people say she is in a better place. I know she is but my "better" place would be with us! I know that's selfish but that's how I feel! The only thing that makes it ok is I know she IS pain free and no longer sick. She can read to her hearts content and maybe she has already visited Egypt. Now she will know all the secrets of heaven and earth. Well I didn't mean for this to head in this direction so I guess I better go. Thank you all for your support, love and prayers. And If I told you to wait to send food it's ok now we are no longer covered in cold cuts. If you still are interested please call and let me know when. there are a few people still doing dinner now and then. And that does help. Thank you all again. We were overwhelmed by all the love at the funeral it's very comforting that we are surrounded by so much love. It would be very easy to be bitter about all that has happened, but you all make the difference. Savannah and Rose are doing good I think Savannah is taking it harder than Rose but they are both good. Amber is back at school and doing ok . Thankfully she has lots of good people around her there also. and Track practice started monday so she will be very busy with that and classes.
Take Care
Amy

our angel is in heaven

Our angel is in Heaven
Posted Jan 8, 2009 3:17pm

Brittany Marie Dever, 17, of Powell passed peacefully into the waiting arms of our Heavenly Father on January 8th, 2009, surrounded by her loving family after a courageous 2 ½ year battle with cancer. She is finally free of pain. She loved to read especially Harry Potter books, and she loved movies like Pirates of the Caribbean. She was fascinated by Egyptology and wanted to study Archeology at the University of Cambridge in England. Even going through chemo treatments, she still managed her home schooling, where she always posted straight A’s. She doted over her loving cat socks, who stuck by her side day and night till the end. She was our trooper that we all drew strength from. We will always remember her grace, dignity, and kindness, even while dealing with the harsh treatments that cancer threw her way. She knew that cancer could take her body, but it could never take her mind, heart, and soul. She went on the advice of the late Jimmy Valvano, when he said, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up!” She is survived by her father Tom, mother Amy, and her three sisters, Amber Lynn, Savannah Nicole, and Mackenzie Rose. Grandparents Bill and Elaine Dever, David and Cheryl Graves, Robert and Linda Ollivier, Great Grandparents Walt and Eula Mae McGee, and many uncles, aunts, and cousins. We wish to thank everyone for their prayers, and all the special doctors, nurses, and volunteers at East Tennessee Children’s Hospital in the clinic and second floor. Where they became part of our family. Services and viewing will be at Mynatt Funeral home in Halls. Other arrangements incomplete at this time.

falling off a cliff

Posted Jan 6, 2009 9:04pm

Well I guess I can't say this is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I have been sitting here for quite some time trying to figure out what to say. I guess first, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. If you got a chance to visit Britt before this cruel disease played its latest card, you are blessed! Even Dr Vickie was shocked at the changes that have occurred this past week. We were hoping some new symptoms were morphine related, but now know they most likely are not. It has spread again. We have NOT given up hope! Her tiny body has taken so much. Her beautiful mind and spirit have astonished us all. So many times it has been her wisdom beyond her years to lift us out of the sorrow. I know I don't need to ask but keep us in your prayers. Even as tough as this is on her she is still the comedian, keeping us laughing at every turn. We are trying to stay ahead of the pain and thankfully that seems to be working. She is cheerful when she is awake. But you don’t always get an answer to the question you ask. For those of you writing letters, keep them coming. We read them to her again and again. I’ve told her we would write back if she wanted but nothing so far. She does enjoy hearing from you. As for visiting we don’t mind but catching her awake is hit or miss. Sometimes she sleeps all day and sometimes she is awake. We don’t know one day to the next. And as for our house if you want to see it, make an appointment, if you want to see us, come anytime.
Amy and Tom

remembering

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
A friend found this and sent it to me ..... it really says it all