As this day brings a beautiful new dawn. My strength is somewhat renewed. I have to remember the promises given and have faith that He is in control. Our brain as humans can be so devious. This thing we call "ego" can be such a kill joy. It thinks it knows what is the way we should continue. It plants doubt in things we have always trusted. We have only to turn our back on ego and turn back to our God to see the love. God did not put us here to suffer. Our ego leads us into much of the suffering. Unconditional love is something we have been told as people of faith we should have. Jesus showed us unconditional love. Why is it so hard for us to really know unconditional love? Ego maybe? We say we love unconditionally and then we contradict our selves by limiting others for our love. Are the worthy? Why should I when?..... I face the challenge everyday of letting the ego win with all it's negativity and sorrow. Most days I am triumphant. Yesterday and several over the past few weeks have beaten my determination to live life as Brittany did. Brittany looked at life with the eyes of excitement and wonder we should all have."Strength to continue when others would crumble"(thanks Amber for that) That was one of the awesome things about her. Incredible will! The will of a true angel. She knew he would protect her, she knew it would be better soon. If only we could tap into that wisdom and not have to fight for it every day. I today am choosing to win and see the love and joy I have been given. I am choosing to be thankful for my journey no matter how difficult it may seem, it is mine. I know I am loved. I must also choose to love myself and forgive myself. Thank you for your prayers,
Amy

give me strength

So many times I say I wish the world would stop for just a moment so I can breathe. I don't think anyone can really understand how real this wish feels unless they have been here. Loss is hard no matter who it is. That is easy to understand. I feel like I have been in this endurance race for the last three plus years. I can see the finish and then they up and change the course. Over the last several months things have really gotten hard mentally. I know it is because financially, cancer, is catching up with me. Months of unchecked expenses and trying to keep things together with no time for thought are finally catching up. Why does it seem men think differently about money. It seems so many live life worried about tomorrow and their nest egg. Women seem to be more present and live for today. I guess that describes me. Knowing your daughter might not make it to the next, whatever, certainly makes teaching priorities fly out the window. So many times I have counted my blessings for being self employed. I could change my schedule and work as I could. Now is not one of those. I have been thinking... There should be something out there to help grieving families "recover". Financially there is aftermath of cancer. Not medical bills per say, but the other stuff... I have tried to get a loan to help and with all this economy stuff I'm sure you know the answer I got. Even with good credit! Somewhere out there I know a mother has been here before. How did she manage. Did she dive up and throw in the towel or continue to stand and fight. When is it time to turn and walk away? Please include me in your prayers. I don't want to give up. I love my store. I know mentally I will be able to run it again. I know I will never be the same but day by day things are more clear. And the bad moments are farther apart now. Please God help me to see the way. Show me your path. You have gotten me this far I know you will not abandon me here.
I have been thinking there should be a resource to help families with small businesses recover after the death of a child. Men also tend to bury themselves in their work. I wish I could do that sometimes. Then I think about my younger girls. It is not fair of me to be absent from their life because I am unhappy in my own presently. I am their mother and they are grieving also. It is my role to help them through this turmoil also. To help them grow and learn from everything here. I can see how a parent of an only child could lose them self in grief very quickly. My other children are a motivation. They are the only thing making me keep moving forward some days.
I had some minor surgery two weeks ago. It has shown me another gift I have been given, Yoga! Baron Baptiste Power Vinyasa is meditation and yoga. Yoga for the mind and body. Until surgery I don't know when the last time I didn't do yoga was. Oh my goodness! I was more concerned about that than the surgery. I enjoy my practice every day! I have practiced twice in a row this week and I finally slept last night! I slept more than 3 hours! Yay!!!!! That's been the max sleep I've gotten for the last two weeks. By 3am I have been up for the day! When I woke up at 5:30am this morning I was so happy! I guess mentally I am at peace or closer to peace. Sleep is nice. You don't realize how the lack of sleep affects other parts of your life until you don't sleep. Things are much easier to deal with on a good nights rest. Then again there is another small blessing we have only to look to find. It has been there all along (well sometimes it's there...lol).
I wish you peace in your days and nights.
Amy