As I travel down this road we all call life, I am given each day little gifts of joy. Small things that if I am not looking will pass unnoticed. Sometimes as I observe the people and places around me it is hard to maintain the me I let the world see. Why do we all have this self we want to portray to the world? Why is is such a challenge to just be ourselves? Why do we feel we need to hide the real us from the world? If we can only turn away from this ego and turn back to God we see that all that really matters is the love we share.That's what we leave with those we love. It is scary to be the one to love and not jump on the wagon and shut the world out. So many people afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of showing how they care. Afraid of love. Sad really.
I love to just sit and watch the children playing. No adult involvement, just kids and their beautiful imaginations. I have always noticed how boys and girls differ. Even at an early age they just play differently. The girls go about fixing things and making things pretty. The boys are on some adventure or expedition. Children learn what they think the world wants them to do from adults and other children. Wouldn't it be something if we could all just love our selves as we are.Like when we were young and didn't care what the world thought of us. No ego, No fronts, real feelings and real heart. Since Brittany's death I feel like my eyes have been opened on a new vision. I try to look with my heart first. It's not what most adults do. Children do usually. They see the cute little puppy. Its not the mess the dog made ... they see the sweet cute cuddly dog so happy to see them. All we seem to see is the mess.
I read something some where once that this particular writer got up at like 4 every morning to have his time to write. It wasn't always this way . He used to try to write later in the day after work. He would sit down and begin to collect his thoughts and his 4 year old daughter would inevitably come in to talk. He said at first he would get irritated and feel like she was trying to keep him from his work. And one day he realized it wasn't that she wanted to "keep" him from his work. His perspective had changed. She just wanted to spend some quality time with daddy. All the older kids knew not to disturb dad while he was working so she had his undivided attention. That was a way she figured out to get daddy all to herself. She didn't do it maliciously, it was out of pure love she found a way. Love always finds a way. If we let it. If we listen...
With all this talk about childhood cancer over the last weeks it makes it so hard not to dwell in the anger. It is such an awful fate for these families. Cancer is awful as are so many other things in this world. If I look for the gifts things are some what less challenging for me. maybe it's distraction, maybe it's perspective. What ever it may be it has made my journey a little easier. Choosing my battles much wiser now. The peace is much closer when I do. I know that my peace is a gift to be treasured as I know so many without it. Thank you God for granting me this.
In my late night travels across the internet I came across a story written by a survivor, titled the gift of cancer. The writer goes on to lay out how cancer has changed her life and made her aware of things she never had time to notice before. Maybe that is how we can beat cancer. Take away the fear and bring it out into the light so we can forever banish it. If I live my life stressed out and depressed, letting everything upset me I am more likely to get cancer. Stress lets things happen to our bodies that wouldn't otherwise happen. If you take anything from me take this... let it go.. is what you are worried about more important than those you love. I'm not saying give up and be irresponsible. I'm saying don't worry all the time. We all have our worries but how we let them effect us is up to us. Brittany would tell Rose it was her choice to have a good day. No one can make your day bad. You have to let them. or let it.
choose wisely
peace
amy

Would it be easier if she had only been a baby? would a toddler not leave such a void in my life? Forgive my rambling please... Would it have been any easier to not have also lost a friend? We spent countless hours talking in the hospital. lost of days we would just sit and talk with out the TV on. I miss those talks. I miss her opinion. I miss her passion for life. I don't believe it would ever be easier to lose a child. Only different. The pain cuts so deep you cannot imagine how to go on, yet you do.Sometimes I am lost. Some times I have profound clarity.
For those outside my everyday circle. I fractured my right arm about a month ago. I have not been able to run or do yoga the whole time!!!! I am so missing my yoga. I love after a really great practice the peace and clarity i feel. My mind needs the attention. Today has been a hard day. but it is almost over and I know tomorrow will be better. Each day I get closer to healing and peace.
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson
I know I have posted that before but it is for me as well. I need to hear this right now. I need to fuel myself and renew strength.
Thank you for listening
good night
Amy

I miss my friend

I so long to hear her argue with me about some silly little thing. I wish I could hear her get mad and fuss at her daddy for being so hardheaded. 20 months have come and gone without her laughter and without he voice. That is something I have truly come to cherish.Little bits of video that have her voice... Words can be harsh yet just the sound of her voice brings tears so fast I cannot stop them. We miss our baby Bitsy. No parent, no family, no one should endure this pain. I wish I had more of the last year of our time together. To feel your arms around my neck and smell you. The little things hurt the most. I can still smell your baby furs from the day you died. They smelled just like when you were a baby. Just like a freshly bathed newborn. That sweet smell you wish you could drink up.
I miss your eyes, how they sparkled with a smile. So many things I long for just one more of.
I wish I could hear her get steaming mad cause daddy changed her channel. He used to come in and change it to football or something. I can almost hear her fussing. Kind of funny when you think about stuff like this. We always get flustered when the kids fuss and fight. I would give anything to have that back. Arguing with her sisters. Making the remarks as you are leaving the room just so you can almost hear. Little demands happily accommodated just to make her happy.
So many things flooding my mind. My fingers cannot keep up. My heart is breaking again. I have to stop..
goodnight
amy