faking it til we make it...

these are not my words... they are a friends, but they seem to have come from my heart as well. Somethings you can only truly comprehend if you have been through it.
Thank you Rhonda!!!



I tried explaining this to a social worker once and she looked at me like I'd grown 3 heads..She didn't get it and I have often thought that there needs to be a class that we parents give to people explaining how we parents learn to deal with this life....

Faking it until we make it firmly explains how we are and have been dealing with this life for many years now....

We march along...doing all the necessary things...functioning like "normal" people...all the while living with this incredible weight...So, we basically fake it....we fake being like "normal" people...we go out, do things, interact with people..do all the things that society expects of us but it's not real..not really...because inside we are carrying such a heavy burden..it can never leave you..no matter how you try...the fear when they are in treatment..and then pain when they are gone..

So we fake it...

You have to look at more than just the words here....That doesn't mean that all of our interactions with people are fake...that our smiles or laughter is fake..and especially that our love is fake....It just means that we learn to live.....by living....

It simply means that we are hurting....much much more than most people want to hear about or can handle...it is our burden...so we smile and live and function until the pain is a little less and those smiles feel a little less forced..the tears just a little less close to the surface....

We fake it until we make it......

Which is what we are doing now.....we are hurting....we are grieving soo incredibly hard.....but we are living and one day we will make it...one day the pain will be bearable....

Most of us are taught to try to consider life from an others perspective from the time we are very young. To be compassionate, considerate and humble. "Don't judge till you have walked in their shoes." And even then it is not our place to judge. Yet until our life begins to unfold we really do take things for granted. We complain and fuss about how we think things should be. So many times we have to learn the hard way what is really important. We struggle most of our lives trying to create this image of our self. To create this "ideal image" we see in our egocentric mind. Things we think are important to our image. We spend so much energy and effort painting this picture of our self. We don't need to do this! All we should be using our energy for is love. Be our self and love those around us. Love is what people will remember. Our love will outlast our egocentric ways and image. For our ego image is only important in our mind. It will be gone with the last breath we take. Oh if the ego could be banished completely to the darkness. Never to pry itself into the peace. Think of how many times in our lives ego stops us from following our heart, from showing compassion, from showing our love. Yet we find it so hard to brush it away as we should. I try to find the gifts I am given each day and be thankful for them no matter how small. Maybe this is a gift cancer has given me.The gift of seeing. Seeing how things can change and how ego and selfishness can rob every day of the love that should be there. Seeing the small things that add so much to this journey. Allow your heart to lead you and feel the difference in each day. Even in the worst of days there are gifts. I have to keep my eyes and heart open to receive them and be thankful. It is easy to let the bitterness move in and soon it will consume everything around me. I have learned this the hard way also. Unconditional love is the answer..... so hard yet so needed by me and the world. the world around me needs it and I need to give it. My perspective has changed. I can see the hardness that so many people keep in their hearts. They build these walls to protect themselves. If they could only see what they are missing. It doesn't have to be so hard. Call me naive if you will but I do believe in most people there i a good heart. Some have been hardened by life's journey and some choose to be consumed by ego. I believe it is there way down deep. The love is there in us all. We have to choose to accept and share that love. I think that is a gift I have been given by cancer as well. I have chosen to keep my heart open. To let love show me how despite the sorrow my heart feels each hour of every day. I choose to live in love as I know Bitsy would have wanted me to. To revel in the gift of life I have been given. Not to waste one single moment spreading hate or anger. For sometime I let the darkness of negative thoughts get me. Thankfully one of the angels I am blessed with, my oldest daughter, pointed out a different perspective. And since then I tell myself on those particularly hard days to remember what she said. "There is too much hate in the world already momma, don't add any more". I don't want to add any hate. I want to add love.
thank you Lord for my gifts today and everyday
Peace be with you... Amy