Maybe the earth is sad with me today.
It is gloomy and sad out side
The sun tries to see, and warm up the moment, but the clouds quickly rush it back to its hiding place behind them. Where I cannot feel the warmth on my face. I know it's there and I long for its warmth and the strength I feel with it.
Almost as if nature is telling me it's okay to be sad.
Sometimes it helps to let it go. It is not something I like to do, but I am learning I need to cry sometimes. To stop faking it and really feel all this sorrow and pain. Like I've said before, crying can be cleansing sometimes. Cleansing like a spring rain.
Sometimes I find new strength after I let go.
I am hoping this will be one of those times. I feel I need renewal and strength at this moment.
Things are going along as they should, I just feel drained.
Maybe its the holidays.... they do seem to have a draining quality.
Throughout the last few days I keep going over those last days... I re read my journal and look back through pictures of our last Christmas with our sweet Angel Bitsy.
Funny...
As I typed Sweet Angel Bitsy,
I thought about all of us thinking she could be so difficult in that last year. She knew what she wanted and she would not hesitate to tell you.
She got convinced one time that we hadn't given her medicine and she was really mad that we were with holding it from her. We are talking Chemo medicine too. She thought we were not giving her the Chemo medicine.
I laugh and cry now but at the time it was very hard to deal with. I remember bringing them all to her and showing her how many there were. Going through the whole process of counting and looking at the calendar to convince her she had taken it.
It wasn't too long after that that mentally she began to decline. Things were easier then as she was much sweeter and loving. Her words and looks softened. Even the tone of her voice was softer.
I wish I could hear her voice again. Not video or recording. I just would love to hear hear say " I love you mommy". I won't say just one more time because that would not be enough. I want to hear it over and over again. And then I would love to feel her frail arms around my neck. Oh how I wish I could have held on so tightly So many longings I have buried away in this deep and broken heart. To many to count. Each day brings new ones.
The love a parent has for their children grows with every breath, so do the dreams.
Do you think they would arrest me if I shook the next parent being less than kind or even just not looking out for their child.
I know many people have said children are a gift. So many sad people don't get this. They really don't understand how fragile life can be. How fleeting. I just want to sweep the child away to an unseen place only for long enough for the parent to catch a glimps of the pain caused by this loss.
Is that wrong.
I want to help them see the gift they have been given.
I talk with young mothers everyday that are soooooo stressed. I know their stress I was a young mother too. I hope they can see through me that children are to be cherished.
While teaching a class at an addiction recovery center before Christmas one mom had her hands full. Toddler and a 4 month old. Toddler need attention and so did baby. I was done with cooking so I seized the opportunity to borrow this little angel. Spent the next hour talking with 7 young mothers about ways to de-stress their lives and their kids and in turn learn to be more loving mothers.
Ok so class went a bit long that day...
Children do feel parents stress. Baby was screaming when I got her, but quickly quieted. To hold this precious little gift in my arms healed my heart. Of course looking up with those beautiful eyes helps too. I guess I don't mind being the oldest mom anymore... Well maybe just the more experienced one...
A baby sleeping in your arms is a gift in itself.
Did I say I love my job? I truly do.
Thank you to all of you who helped me remember a true passion, teaching.
Maybe this is one of the reasons God has shown me the path through the loss of our Angel Brittany. Maybe only through this pain can I know how to make them understand and make a change in their lives. Changes for the lives of their children.
I miss you terribly Brittany. Do a mothers arms ache for her lost love forever? I'm guessing they do. I know you are safe and warm and have the knowledge you yearned for. You are not sick or in pain. It doesn't make it any easier for us here with out you. But I know I would not want you to be here suffering. I know we will see you again some day.
Heaven has been brighter because you are there for three years today. One second it doesn't seem possible, the next second feels like an eternity.
I remember and often share the wise words you used to tell us.
I will choose to have a good day!
Love and peace to all my earthbound angels.
Thank you to all other Angels
Amy
It is gloomy and sad out side
The sun tries to see, and warm up the moment, but the clouds quickly rush it back to its hiding place behind them. Where I cannot feel the warmth on my face. I know it's there and I long for its warmth and the strength I feel with it.
Almost as if nature is telling me it's okay to be sad.
Sometimes it helps to let it go. It is not something I like to do, but I am learning I need to cry sometimes. To stop faking it and really feel all this sorrow and pain. Like I've said before, crying can be cleansing sometimes. Cleansing like a spring rain.
Sometimes I find new strength after I let go.
I am hoping this will be one of those times. I feel I need renewal and strength at this moment.
Things are going along as they should, I just feel drained.
Maybe its the holidays.... they do seem to have a draining quality.
Throughout the last few days I keep going over those last days... I re read my journal and look back through pictures of our last Christmas with our sweet Angel Bitsy.
Funny...
As I typed Sweet Angel Bitsy,
I thought about all of us thinking she could be so difficult in that last year. She knew what she wanted and she would not hesitate to tell you.
She got convinced one time that we hadn't given her medicine and she was really mad that we were with holding it from her. We are talking Chemo medicine too. She thought we were not giving her the Chemo medicine.
I laugh and cry now but at the time it was very hard to deal with. I remember bringing them all to her and showing her how many there were. Going through the whole process of counting and looking at the calendar to convince her she had taken it.
It wasn't too long after that that mentally she began to decline. Things were easier then as she was much sweeter and loving. Her words and looks softened. Even the tone of her voice was softer.
I wish I could hear her voice again. Not video or recording. I just would love to hear hear say " I love you mommy". I won't say just one more time because that would not be enough. I want to hear it over and over again. And then I would love to feel her frail arms around my neck. Oh how I wish I could have held on so tightly So many longings I have buried away in this deep and broken heart. To many to count. Each day brings new ones.
The love a parent has for their children grows with every breath, so do the dreams.
Do you think they would arrest me if I shook the next parent being less than kind or even just not looking out for their child.
I know many people have said children are a gift. So many sad people don't get this. They really don't understand how fragile life can be. How fleeting. I just want to sweep the child away to an unseen place only for long enough for the parent to catch a glimps of the pain caused by this loss.
Is that wrong.
I want to help them see the gift they have been given.
I talk with young mothers everyday that are soooooo stressed. I know their stress I was a young mother too. I hope they can see through me that children are to be cherished.
While teaching a class at an addiction recovery center before Christmas one mom had her hands full. Toddler and a 4 month old. Toddler need attention and so did baby. I was done with cooking so I seized the opportunity to borrow this little angel. Spent the next hour talking with 7 young mothers about ways to de-stress their lives and their kids and in turn learn to be more loving mothers.
Ok so class went a bit long that day...
Children do feel parents stress. Baby was screaming when I got her, but quickly quieted. To hold this precious little gift in my arms healed my heart. Of course looking up with those beautiful eyes helps too. I guess I don't mind being the oldest mom anymore... Well maybe just the more experienced one...
A baby sleeping in your arms is a gift in itself.
Did I say I love my job? I truly do.
Thank you to all of you who helped me remember a true passion, teaching.
Maybe this is one of the reasons God has shown me the path through the loss of our Angel Brittany. Maybe only through this pain can I know how to make them understand and make a change in their lives. Changes for the lives of their children.
I miss you terribly Brittany. Do a mothers arms ache for her lost love forever? I'm guessing they do. I know you are safe and warm and have the knowledge you yearned for. You are not sick or in pain. It doesn't make it any easier for us here with out you. But I know I would not want you to be here suffering. I know we will see you again some day.
Heaven has been brighter because you are there for three years today. One second it doesn't seem possible, the next second feels like an eternity.
I remember and often share the wise words you used to tell us.
I will choose to have a good day!
Love and peace to all my earthbound angels.
Thank you to all other Angels
Amy
