Finding peace in the face of our own death must be a gift from above.
Had a long talk with a very dear friend today. She has breast cancer and has chosen not to do chemo and radiation. She was a ICU nurse and chemo would take her only passion away. Now cancer has taken it form her. Unable to do her job because of muscle weakness and fatigue she has let her passion to die. That sounds harsh but that's what it feels like. She is giving all her worldly possessions away. This woman has walked with so many down this road. to some she has been a friend. To some she has been a stranger. She always seemed to see within my soul. She can tell when I need to cry and when I need to talk more to get things out in the open. By helping her heal a relationship with her daughter it has helped me heal. She is moving to Albequerque to be near her only family. I understand that and that is good. I just wish she didn't sound like she is ready to lay down and die today.
As we were talking today I can hear the fear in her voice. I feel the fear. She is a spiritual woman and I know she will be welcomed in to Heaven. Yet there is this fear of the unknown. I shared with her the story I read to Savannah and Rose many times Before Brit died." Water bugs and Dragonflies", Its a sweet story about the waterbugs...they are all so sad when one of them climbs up to the top of a lily pad to rest and never comes back. These few agree to come back. They all promise to come back and tell the others what it was like to sleep on the lily. So the story goes on as one becomes so overwhelmingly tired he must climb to the top of the lily to rest. while he is sleeping changes take place. He becomes a dragonfly. Of course he is still himself. He revels in this new world with his beautiful wings. As he is flying he notices the water bugs down in the water and remembers his promise. He tried to fly down to tell them about this beautiful new world and how they will love it but he bounces off the water. he cannot go down in the water. over and over he tries but finally gives up. Sad he can see them but he cannot tell them he is the same bug. They don't recognize him. He is there but they cannot see.
Is that how it will be. Can they see us but we can't see them. It helps to think they are always here with us watching over us. Bitsy help her to have the peace you did and not be afraid. My friend has in a way been given a gift. She knows her time will soon be over. She knows she must do the things her heart wants NOW. Not wait another minute. We should all live like that. Live like we are dying. Live every minute.
Live today to the fullest. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

August Wilson quotes

Tears come so easily these days. I know we need the rain but I really need the sunny mornings to help me face each new day. Even when it is gloomy there is the promise of sun. I wish my body could run as long as my mind feels it needs to. I know yoga has been a blessing mentally and physically for me. And some days I still wish i could do more yoga too. Maybe my need for sun is only my way of trying to rid myself of this cold. My heart feels so full of beautiful memories but there is this coldness that just won't stay away. I can distract myself for a short while and then it returns.
I know my days will get easier again. I wish they would hurry up and turn. Maybe these hard days are here for me to confront my demons, my darkness. It seems when I push it aside for a few weeks unchecked, the dark days come in a cluster. When I deal with my feelings one day at a time the darkness is short lived.
Yesterday we had a "Rosy" moment... I was fussing at daddy about ignoring me. He said he needs rest. Rose said" Weellll! DaaaDDDY! If you didn't run so much .... maybe you would have time for a nap! And then you wouldn't be tired! lol that girl is a card. She loves to share her opinion. I am sure mom would say she got that from me.Savannah chimed in when he said I had been clingy with " it could be worse... she could be pregnant"! Oh my goodness where did that come from. The only place I can think of is one of Toms employees is pregnant and he has fussed about her complaining.
I feel better now. Just talking for a bit made me feel better. Thank you! I will face the darkness and illuminate it and forgive. I will forgive for myself and my girls. By confronting it it will fade.
peace in your journey
amy

Were do I start? I don't know why, but for the last few days I feel so disconnected from my family. I feel like I am here but not really. I am cheerful lone minute and the next I am fighting to keep my head out of the darkness. I meet people who are traveling along this same road every day. Some are further along and some have only just begun. It doesn't seem that as time passes things are always easier. Yes it seems there are less bad and more good moments. But it seems the road can get bumpy around each and every turn. The mind can be treacherous. The mind can lead us down a road even worse than reality. I always talk about the daily struggle with the darkness. I wish they could turn a switch in my mind that would stop the constant battle. I wish I could have one day in which there was total peace. I am working to achieve this. I know it will come. One day I will be able to control my crazy mind. I am happy I have can lose my crazy mind for a short time with my yoga. I wish my body could deal with more... some days my mind wants more. Let me remember to turn away from my ego and back to God. He is love and he loves me. I have only to love and I will be at peace.
peace and love are what I need
good night
amy

I guess if you need an example of how time skews things here you have it! In my last post I said it had been 18 months and it had only been 17.
Some days I feel like she has been gone forever and some days I feel like it has been minutes. Some time stands still and some times it races on. I never know which I will have. I find myself envious of those who can sleep again. Sleep can be a diversion. I thought sleep was to recuperate and replenish our body and mind. What great sleep commander decides to keep this peace from some of us. When I can't sleep I keep hearing Bitsy tell me how lack of sleep ages you. She use to fuss at me about that. Oxygen and sleep. "Those dumb people in Oxygen Bars are stupid! They are just killing their cells with oxygen!" she would say. She hated to have to use oxygen but she did realize it made her feel better. I wish some times my mind would go completely! Maybe that would be easier. To live obliviously sounds kinda nice at this moment.
Thank you for letting us know you have not forgotten our sweet angel. Thank you for your support and help in this journey.
I sold Rosy's with Toms help. I guess you can say my heart wasn't in it anymore. It feels like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It ripped my heart out to let it go. That was my baby. I built it with Tom's help from the ground up. Didn't get what it was worth but I didn't feel I was doing it justice. Hopefully the new owner will. The name is the same and he said he doesn't plan on changing anything. I don't have a say in that now do I? So if you are looking to stay with us I'll be back at Cork with Tom. So many things cancer has taken from us and I include Rosy's on that ever growing list.
Don't know if we are going to make any sort of vacation trip this year. Tom and the girls talk about it but I resist. Just doesn't feel right. I want to go one minute then I don't! Same battle different day.
Why do I feel the need to hide my pain from those that love me? Why do I have to be the strong one? Why can't I just collapse like one of those women in movies and be rescued? Why must I struggle every day to keep going! Things I love are so hard to do. Is this part of grief? Will there ever be a time that I have the drive and motivation I once did? Daily I battle these bad thoughts. I know they will pass and I know I am stronger. Maybe one day my crazy brain will just give up and let my heart lead this body. Let me live in peace and not a daily battle to stay ahead of the darkness. I worry that we all are losing our minds. Savannah still won't talk openly. Anything about Brittany has to be drug out of her. This is gonna be a hard ride through puberty I can see from here. She is so much like Brittany it's scary sometimes. She will keep everything onside instead of talking to us. She does open up to Amber some . But with Amber going back to school soon I worry about what she will get in to. I do have the comfort of knowing she can call Amber anytime since she has her own cell phone.
I guess I have vented for long enough.
Thanks for listening.
Amy