Where do I begin? Wow it's hard to believe it has been just shy of one whole year since my last post.
But the ever faithful march of time waits for no one. So frustrating in one minute yet comforting in so many others. Time can heal and time can hurt. Time has a way of changing the memories we cherish. Washing away some pain and some joy.
This year has been full of accomplishments and adventures, twists and turns, dips and rolls, all on this crazy roller coaster ride of life.
Amber graduated from nursing school as we knew she would.(She wasn't so sure) And guess what! She has a real job! So proud of her determination. She really had to make sacrifices to get where she is and she loves her job. She is working in a progressive cardiac unit, where they send you after ICU but before a regular floor. I don't think this will be the end of her school career, she loves learning. She has told me that she isn't sure she will have kids...."Mom I spend my day keeping people alive, not sure I want to do that with a kid." She is still in Louisville but I think she is looking to move further north in the next year. Visiting now is an easy 3 1/2 hr drive. I guess we better enjoy that while we can.
If you have been following on FB you may know that the latest ISIS killing included one of Amber's very close friends. Peter Abdul Rahman Kassig was part of Ambers support network when Brittany passed. The Friday the video announcing Peter as the next to be killed was released Amber had a stranger ask her if she knew she had a angel with her. He told her she looked just like Amber and thought it maybe a sister. She has not seen this stranger before or since.
I think Brittany knew Amber needed someone else to tell her Bitsy was there because of the difficulties to come with the news about Peter. She has done well with his death but feels led to help in his fight now. Its hard for me to say go , help, but it's also hard for me to say no don't follow your heart.
Savannah is doing awesome in school, loving her second year of high school. Growing up too fast as they all do. She is our self proclaimed diva. No idea where she gets that. (NO family chiming in please). She says she feels like she is lost sometimes because she is so different from her sisters, like she doesn't belong. I haven't told her how much like her mother she is. I keep hoping she will veer of that track. She has a wonderful heart but seems afraid to show it. Can't help but wonder if this too is a side effect of cancer. She has taken up tennis and doing well. Even recruiting Rose to the racquet. Savannah joined the drama club last year and it really brought her out of her shell. She would never sing openly before but she does constantly now. She also entered the Miss Red and White pageant last winter and had a lot of fun with it. That cultivated the diva in her I guess. It is wonderful to see so many well rounded young ladies having fun. She had some really good role models there with the top of the senior class. She has her permit and wants to drive everywhere so look out! Giving us both more grey hairs for sure but doing well at it.
Rose, dear sweet Rose,
Rose is definantly her own person. Feisty sometimes doesn't cover it. She does not have the moral flexibility of her daddy. There is no grey area. The law is the law and Rose is there to make sure we do not step out of line. The rules may only be modified for the law keepers. She has a sensitive side but she guards it like a treasure. She is doing wonderfully in school but pushes herself for perfection constantly. There is no doing something to the minimum with her. She is so hard on herself I worry about the stress she creates for herself. Amber sees herself in Rose and tries to help her learn easier ways to cope but that doesn't always go over very well. Arguing with her is like trying to nail jello to a tree, waisted energy. Like I mentioned before she is learning to play tennis also. She has been in chorus for the last two years and actually auditioned for a solo last week, no news yet. Still finding herself but growing into a beautiful young lady every day.
My ladies are all growing into such beautiful young women right before my eyes. It's so hard to grasp the speed at which things change.
Tom has discovered a new passion, obstacle course racing. He did several for Brittany that fell on the 8th and the fire was fanned to a full burn. He loves it. He is nuts! He has done awesome in them though so it's true he is built for these crazy extreme sports. He's been all over the east coast and even to 2 world championship races. Placing 10th over all out of 4k and first in his age group. It seemed for a while every race he would bring a new venue home. That season is over till early spring but training is year round with extreme sports. We have even gotten to see him several times on NBC in different races. He seems to really enjoy the Spartan Races but this group of athletes has a bond like no others. He has made some great friends and they all encourage and help each other improve. Nice that they are all trying to lift others up not step on them on the way to the top. It is wonderful that Tom can adjust his schedule to allow himself to train like he needs to.
I have had a rough year physically, double hernia repair last year the week of Christmas, sprained ankle the first day back in the gym(I missed a step leaving the gym). Finally got back on my feet and working out hard and somehow broke 2 bones in my foot. So I was in a boot for 12 weeks, after walking on the broken foot for a month. The bright side of all that is if I ever get rid of this cushion around my middle I have abs of steel under there! I was able to do arms/upper body while in the boot so mu shoulders and arms are coming along nicely. Slowly getting back into jogging still really tender with a lot of things and I've had to give the heels a rest. Nothing higher that 2 inches. Bleh!
Mentally I'm doing well considering I have teenagers. The normal they know everything phase is in full swing. I've been busy this year with online classes and will attempt on campus classes in January. Scary! Keep my family in your thoughts after that they will be stressed I'm sure.
We all have our moments when the sadness is there, waiting to zap you. I try to keep the thoughts that it is there to help me grow and strengthen. It's not there to crush me but allow me to regroup and rebuild, to nourish me for what is yet to come. I think of Bitsy often and also of Mom. Wondering how different choices would have changed things. Not regrets just questions.
Several weeks after Savannah started playing tennis she started having back pain.... My heart sunk, it was right where Bitsy started having pain. Tom and I both had the same fear but neither would speak it. it was like saying it would validate it and make it true. We know the statistics, it would be astronomical. But still this gripping fear was there like it had been waiting around the corner all the time. Thankfully it was nothing other than her growing so fast her muscles needed to catch up. Physical therapy and massage have helped. The massage fueling the diva mind no doubt.
Some days I stay on the edge of tears. I see that this incredible pain has heightened my sensitivity to the loss of others, to the need of others, to any pain of others. I would not want to be callous but it is difficult somedays to keep it together. I hope I can help Rose and Savannah understand the importance of compassion, and empathy.
How can my arms ache so much and be so full?
The small things can bring the deepest memories. The smell of a new perfume. The smell of tinsel. I had a hard time keeping it together a few weeks ago in target. Savannah brought a tinsel trap to me and wanted to get it for her room. The smell, I had not thought of it before, brought a flood of memories of Christmases past. Tinsel and icicles, I really never noticed the smell but there it was with all the laughter and happy memories.
Young ladies finding their own style and way in the world. So many things I see in Savannah and Rose every day remind me of Brittany. So many things I wish we could share. Today she would be 23. So much fun for a 23 year old intelligent lady to have. I have no doubt she is watching diligently over her sisters. Still I wish I could hear her voice and smell her hair. Give her a hug, just sit and talk with her for hours. So many things I want to say here but I've gone on so long already.
Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy!
Hugs and Kisses
I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed holiday season.
Peace and light
Amy
But the ever faithful march of time waits for no one. So frustrating in one minute yet comforting in so many others. Time can heal and time can hurt. Time has a way of changing the memories we cherish. Washing away some pain and some joy.
This year has been full of accomplishments and adventures, twists and turns, dips and rolls, all on this crazy roller coaster ride of life.
Amber graduated from nursing school as we knew she would.(She wasn't so sure) And guess what! She has a real job! So proud of her determination. She really had to make sacrifices to get where she is and she loves her job. She is working in a progressive cardiac unit, where they send you after ICU but before a regular floor. I don't think this will be the end of her school career, she loves learning. She has told me that she isn't sure she will have kids...."Mom I spend my day keeping people alive, not sure I want to do that with a kid." She is still in Louisville but I think she is looking to move further north in the next year. Visiting now is an easy 3 1/2 hr drive. I guess we better enjoy that while we can.
If you have been following on FB you may know that the latest ISIS killing included one of Amber's very close friends. Peter Abdul Rahman Kassig was part of Ambers support network when Brittany passed. The Friday the video announcing Peter as the next to be killed was released Amber had a stranger ask her if she knew she had a angel with her. He told her she looked just like Amber and thought it maybe a sister. She has not seen this stranger before or since.
I think Brittany knew Amber needed someone else to tell her Bitsy was there because of the difficulties to come with the news about Peter. She has done well with his death but feels led to help in his fight now. Its hard for me to say go , help, but it's also hard for me to say no don't follow your heart.
Savannah is doing awesome in school, loving her second year of high school. Growing up too fast as they all do. She is our self proclaimed diva. No idea where she gets that. (NO family chiming in please). She says she feels like she is lost sometimes because she is so different from her sisters, like she doesn't belong. I haven't told her how much like her mother she is. I keep hoping she will veer of that track. She has a wonderful heart but seems afraid to show it. Can't help but wonder if this too is a side effect of cancer. She has taken up tennis and doing well. Even recruiting Rose to the racquet. Savannah joined the drama club last year and it really brought her out of her shell. She would never sing openly before but she does constantly now. She also entered the Miss Red and White pageant last winter and had a lot of fun with it. That cultivated the diva in her I guess. It is wonderful to see so many well rounded young ladies having fun. She had some really good role models there with the top of the senior class. She has her permit and wants to drive everywhere so look out! Giving us both more grey hairs for sure but doing well at it.
Rose, dear sweet Rose,
Rose is definantly her own person. Feisty sometimes doesn't cover it. She does not have the moral flexibility of her daddy. There is no grey area. The law is the law and Rose is there to make sure we do not step out of line. The rules may only be modified for the law keepers. She has a sensitive side but she guards it like a treasure. She is doing wonderfully in school but pushes herself for perfection constantly. There is no doing something to the minimum with her. She is so hard on herself I worry about the stress she creates for herself. Amber sees herself in Rose and tries to help her learn easier ways to cope but that doesn't always go over very well. Arguing with her is like trying to nail jello to a tree, waisted energy. Like I mentioned before she is learning to play tennis also. She has been in chorus for the last two years and actually auditioned for a solo last week, no news yet. Still finding herself but growing into a beautiful young lady every day.
My ladies are all growing into such beautiful young women right before my eyes. It's so hard to grasp the speed at which things change.
Tom has discovered a new passion, obstacle course racing. He did several for Brittany that fell on the 8th and the fire was fanned to a full burn. He loves it. He is nuts! He has done awesome in them though so it's true he is built for these crazy extreme sports. He's been all over the east coast and even to 2 world championship races. Placing 10th over all out of 4k and first in his age group. It seemed for a while every race he would bring a new venue home. That season is over till early spring but training is year round with extreme sports. We have even gotten to see him several times on NBC in different races. He seems to really enjoy the Spartan Races but this group of athletes has a bond like no others. He has made some great friends and they all encourage and help each other improve. Nice that they are all trying to lift others up not step on them on the way to the top. It is wonderful that Tom can adjust his schedule to allow himself to train like he needs to.
I have had a rough year physically, double hernia repair last year the week of Christmas, sprained ankle the first day back in the gym(I missed a step leaving the gym). Finally got back on my feet and working out hard and somehow broke 2 bones in my foot. So I was in a boot for 12 weeks, after walking on the broken foot for a month. The bright side of all that is if I ever get rid of this cushion around my middle I have abs of steel under there! I was able to do arms/upper body while in the boot so mu shoulders and arms are coming along nicely. Slowly getting back into jogging still really tender with a lot of things and I've had to give the heels a rest. Nothing higher that 2 inches. Bleh!
Mentally I'm doing well considering I have teenagers. The normal they know everything phase is in full swing. I've been busy this year with online classes and will attempt on campus classes in January. Scary! Keep my family in your thoughts after that they will be stressed I'm sure.
We all have our moments when the sadness is there, waiting to zap you. I try to keep the thoughts that it is there to help me grow and strengthen. It's not there to crush me but allow me to regroup and rebuild, to nourish me for what is yet to come. I think of Bitsy often and also of Mom. Wondering how different choices would have changed things. Not regrets just questions.
Several weeks after Savannah started playing tennis she started having back pain.... My heart sunk, it was right where Bitsy started having pain. Tom and I both had the same fear but neither would speak it. it was like saying it would validate it and make it true. We know the statistics, it would be astronomical. But still this gripping fear was there like it had been waiting around the corner all the time. Thankfully it was nothing other than her growing so fast her muscles needed to catch up. Physical therapy and massage have helped. The massage fueling the diva mind no doubt.
Some days I stay on the edge of tears. I see that this incredible pain has heightened my sensitivity to the loss of others, to the need of others, to any pain of others. I would not want to be callous but it is difficult somedays to keep it together. I hope I can help Rose and Savannah understand the importance of compassion, and empathy.
How can my arms ache so much and be so full?
The small things can bring the deepest memories. The smell of a new perfume. The smell of tinsel. I had a hard time keeping it together a few weeks ago in target. Savannah brought a tinsel trap to me and wanted to get it for her room. The smell, I had not thought of it before, brought a flood of memories of Christmases past. Tinsel and icicles, I really never noticed the smell but there it was with all the laughter and happy memories.
Young ladies finding their own style and way in the world. So many things I see in Savannah and Rose every day remind me of Brittany. So many things I wish we could share. Today she would be 23. So much fun for a 23 year old intelligent lady to have. I have no doubt she is watching diligently over her sisters. Still I wish I could hear her voice and smell her hair. Give her a hug, just sit and talk with her for hours. So many things I want to say here but I've gone on so long already.
Happy Birthday Angel Bitsy!
Hugs and Kisses
I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed holiday season.
Peace and light
Amy
