Changes

Fall has always been a favorite season for me.
 I guess I find it hard to really dislike any season entirely.

 I love the cold of winter.
The snow and ice can be so incredibly beautiful.
The lazy days snuggled up with family or a good book.
I do tire of the bleak days with limited sunlight if any.

 Spring brings a rebirth of the Earth.
 And renewed strength for me with the promise of more sunny days on the way.

Maybe I will escape this constant cold for a brief moment in the warm spring sunlight.
 As summer brings all it's glory and warmth I am reminded of summers past at almost every step.
 Summer is such a big part of childhood. Years are measured by summer and Christmas by most children it seems.
 As summer comes to a close it seems I am again drawn to family memories and what can never be.
       Lost potential ...

 Maybe it is the work I must do emotionally to prepare myself for the season and holidays to come.

 Maybe somewhere in these painful but sweet memories I am healing.

           Maybe I am learning to find my way out of this dark dark sorrow.

 As I sit here letting the memories flood my heart and mind. I can't help but let the tears flow I'm sure you know...

 I remembered our family trip to the "Trail of Doom".
 It's a corn maze near us. They have a haunted maze and an ghoul free maze. We found our way through the ghoul free maze first. We went on a hayride and picked our pumpkins.That was fun enough and the haunted maze was opening since it was just getting dark. I think Rose was 4, Savannah 7 Brittany was in 8th grade and Amber would have been a junior. If you know me, you know I think children should be prepared for the world as it is.. SCARY and all. As long as bad dreams aren't following them I think it's okay to expose my kids to scary things. I knew this maze was safe. A good scare now and then helps you learn to laugh at your fears. Heck I love scaring the little buggers! They have learned how to get even with me in the same way.

 Okay, back to the story.... So we as a family group, literally a huddle, begin our journey into the "Trail of Doom" as you walk thru the maze you happen upon scary creachers of every sort. Alien and otherwise. So I guess we were about half way through the maze when a chainsaw bearing "Jason" walked out of the corn behind us! Before this Amber had been bringing up the rear of our huddle. Amber rushed past me shoving me, who happened to be carrying Rose, into the corn!
 So picture this I can't use my hands to help myself up because Rose is clinging to my neck with all her might, The Looking over my shoulder she whispers"run mommy run". As I struggle to get up out of this "row" we have made into the corn the "monster" helps us up as the rest of the family keeps running...We did eventually emerge from the Trail of Doom unharmed, well most of us anyway.....

Family memories can be energizing for me at times and at others they can be so completely draining I don't know how to move on. I wish I had more video. I have started taking more... of the everyday kind of memories too.

I hope you all have a blessed Christmas.

Please add the Martin family to your prayers. Kyle might not make it through Christmas. Pray for the gift of peace for his wife and children. He is only 42. I won't say that's too young for cancer because any age is too young for cancer as far as I am concerned.

love and prayers

Amy

This Is from several months ago. I didn't realize I never posted it...

Okay tears, okay darkness It's your turn...
 I need some rest from this mask of strength...
                     this faking it...
 I will not stay here.

 Bitsy would not like it!

 The quiet of the morning is sometimes too much...
 When I can do yoga or exercise it strengthens me.
                   Right now that is not the case.
 Not much real exercise of any type and it's feeding those monkeys super food!
 Getting old stinks!
 Youth is wasted on the young..
. someone reminded me of that the other day, how true...
. At least the youthful healing and energy in some cases...
 we should heal faster as we age not slower!
 I had been running for months again, slowly increasing my mileage...
 looking forward to being able to run with Tom again and him not have to get a second work out after running with me...

 I miss our runs...

 I was swimming and doing Yoga so I wouldn't hurt myself, push too hard...
                          and then my elbow started acting up, not the one I broke, the other one...
 soooo I tried doing less Yoga, more swimming,
                      then it hurt to swim so guess where I ended up...
                                     running....
 
 was doing okay, didn't hurt too bad,
    then one run I had what I thought was a really intense cramp in my low calf,
 I limped through the rest of my run, it took a week or so for the pain to let off enough that I could run...

 Silly Me!

 I had pulled my soleus muscle, that in turn made my body do what they are so wonderful at doing...

 compensating!

 That caused my shin splints to get really bad really fast...

 stress fracture...!

 but did I listen to these whispers to slow down?
                                  Of course not, not me, I'll just run easier....

            Ha!

 When you don't listen to the whispers,
 Life WILL start throwing bricks!

 And trust me her aim is dead on.

 So here I sit going slowly out of my mind in this beautiful boot!

 since the middle of August and for another month at least Tom calls me Ahab!

 He says he imagines laying in a hammock below deck listening to my clunk, step, clunk. All this aside we are doing well.

 Amber is finishing up her senior cross country season and doing better than ever.
Studying hard and working on getting into UT's Accelerated Nursing Program after graduation in May.

So we may have her home for a while after graduation. Zach is still sweet as ever. Hopefully accepted to the Police Academy in Anderson. Did the test and physical, now wait to hear. Still working hard coaching and getting his training business off and running. Doing a great job at it also!

 Savannah is finishing her first cross country season.Has done awesome! Not sure she will run this week, she jammed a few toes on Monday. She is up and around, takes way to much to keep her off them feet, guess she gets it honest.Doing well in school too. So proud of her hard work. She is in Drama and Drama Club and loves it! Our house may not live through this "Drama awakening" Homework has been heavy this year! But still keeping A's and B's!

 Rose is running cross country as well, and loving it! I think she has Amber's middle school records in her sights.Gymnastics is in full, swing doing awesome of course. She is so much like Tom it is crazy, expects nothing less than perfection in everything! She can be so hard on her self. Her friend Caroline was over last week. They were out on the trampoline doing back handsprings or something. Caroline would do one then Rose and then Rose would grumble about how that was not right, not this or that. Talking about herself. Caroline said" listen to Rose, she does a perfect one and doesn't like it. Me, I am doing the one that needs work!"
 As I said in my last post Tom is back out there running. Racing now. First place a few weeks ago in the" Dam hard Challenge" at Norris Dam State Park. That's where he runs most of the time anyway. Had a funny/scary run a week or so ago. Picture this.... Big sign, he said he didn't remember seeing it before. But didn't feel the need to stop and read it... He has never been a sign reader, that's why I'm the navigator when we travel! Okay, so he had been running the trails in the watershed for maybe 10 minutes or so(2 miles at least) when he hears this deep country voice call out to him" Ya better be careful fella, it's deer huntin season ya know" He said he looked around and it took a few seconds to find this hunter in his tree stand rifle in hand! Ok! so he thought I'm at the top now, I have to go down either way. Just hope I can get the heck out of here alive. All the way through the rest of the trail hunters would call out to him and warn him! He said it was crazy how large some of the scopes were! like the size of dinner plates! So many out there in their tree stands he saw. I wonder how many more he didn't see. So "deer huntin season" is over we think but he has been running other parks just in case. Crazy man I love! No wonder I am insane too!

 33 months ago our borrowed angel was called home. This morning when I was awake, when no one should be, I thought about all the people who have been there to lend a hand.
 Thank you!
 As I lay there letting the monkeys guide me through this painful journey it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Some moments pass so slowly and some are fleeting. Days are easier for the most part, some still very hard. No rhyme or reason for the difference most of the time. Just still some are hard. The hard ones seem to be harder now but not as often. Finding this new normal continues as I know it will forever. I still question when will I know why, if ever.
 God please show me the way through this valley.
      How I long to be on the mountain top with a clear view of all that lies ahead I know you have laid out              the perfect path.
 Guide my steps.
 Help me surrender and be led.
 Help me allow my heart to open and see your direction.
 Give me the strength as I know only you can, to lead and be led.
 Open my eyes and heart to the blessings I am given every day.
 Bless all those walking this long and painful journey.
 Bless those helping me everyday on my journey.
                       Show me the way to be your light in this path.
 In Jesus name I pray Amen

 A blessing I share with Amber was brought out into the light this week.
 Its a beautiful song
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezf3e44rRI0&noredirect=1

 its called Long Time Traveler these are the words

 These fleeting charms of earth Farewell,
your springs of joy are dry
My soul now seeks another home
 A brighter world on high
 I'm a long time traveling here below
I'm a long time traveling away from home
I'm a long time traveling here below
To lay this body down

 Farewell kind friends whose tender care
 Has long engaged my love
 Your fond embrace I now exchange For better friends above
 I'm a long time traveling here below
 I'm a long time traveling away from home
 I'm a long time traveling here below
To lay this body down...


 We both have discovered this song individually.
 Somehow brings us both peace with the sadness.

 Beautiful voices and words.

I know she was not here long.

 Not long enough for us but long enough to touch so many lives.

Long enough to touch our hearts and the hearts of those around her.

 Thank you for remembering us in your prayers...

 We joined The Curesearch walk here in Knoxville in September with a team Bitsy's bows.

 We did great!
Thank you to every one who helped us.
 We were in 2nd place until the morning of the race. Ended up in 4th for fund raising. A great effort by all! The walk raised 31k for Curesearch!

If you remember that's the cards Britt put with her bows when she gave them out.
 I'm sure she would be proud!
 Thank you for remembering Bitsy.

 It hurts to think she is forgotten.

 She was and still is part of our life.

 Don't be afraid to mention her name.
 Don't be afraid to share a memory.
 The bittersweet sorrow is an important part of healing for all of us and you also

. Life is fleeting.

Tomorrow is not a guarantee.

 Love now... Share now...

 Love and peace, Amy

The blessings in my life far out weigh the burdens.

As I sat in prayer this morning…

A moment of clarity vanquished the monkeys for just long enough. So much time I spend dismissing these crazy monkeys. The crazy things they say, just stirring up trouble with my heart and my head. They are truly the devils work.

They try to convince me “I” am in control and I should do this or that.

The ones that say “don’t get involved it will be too hard”…
The selfish ones that say, “what’s in it for us?” or “why should we?”

Maybe you don’t call them monkeys.

That’s my name for my ego, or I call it my “stinkin thinking brain.”


As I was sitting there in total awe of everything around me, I thought about the trials we have been through.
I won’t go into them all here my blessings are too many to count.

The two that smacked me in the back of the head today sent those monkeys running for the hills.

I have been blessed with the most incredible love!

Truly the love of my life….

I cannot imagine life with out my husband, my best friend,

aside from being an awesome daddy, friend and person in general. 

He can make me maddest in a split second. Then turn it around and have me laughing so hard I can’t breathe. He is so stubborn that sometimes I want to just shake him. Then he can do the smallest thing to melt my heart all over again.

Fine line of Love and Hate no doubt…

I remember thinking more than 25 years ago…
the couple leading our “engaged encounter” was crazy…

“soul mates” what a silly thing…

Yes I loved this man I was going to marry, but really?...

that was just mushy stuff…

I heard people say loved changed over the years and I figured it did.

How could some stay in love and others grow apart?

I know God knew what his plans were for us. I know he knew we would need this love to lean on through this trial.
We would need the laughter to go with the tears.

The over whelming joy to lead us out of the unbearable sadness…

The friendship to help us walk together ahead of the chasing darkness, and sometimes run…

Parenthood is a blessing is uncountable ways. Sure, there are the headaches and the tribulations. Our journey has to go through some rough patches. Where would we be with out trials?
Who would we be?

I have been blessed with this awesome love and had part of my heart forever ripped away.

If you have children, you have been in that moment where you realize this…
You think you cannot love anyone as much as you do your spouse or significant other. The one you will always love more than any other. Then this little needy bundle comes and makes your heart grow with even more love each second. It’s not that you love any one less but your heart grows more than you thought could ever happen.

More children… more love….
Our hearts are so able to grow and love more even when we think it is not possible.

Just like the ability of our heart to continue beating and loving while being ripped apart.

Thank you God for my blessings and my clarity this morning. Thank you for allowing me to know the beauty of this love and see the smallest of blessings. Help me to share your love and mine. Help me to be an example of your love in everything I do.
Amen

Gratitude is sometimes painful for me. I begin each day by thanking God for everything he has given me and for the strength to be where I am.

Lately this is a new sword in my heart.
Please pray for my strength.

I know I am blessed.
Those crazy monkeys start asking “why us” and “why her?”

They will go off on some tangent as to why I deserved this pain. What I have done wrong in my life. My sins. I swear they‘re just lying in wait, rallying their forces, ready for the split second I pray,” thank you lord for all you have given me.”

I have always believed if we ask “why me” when something bad happens we should also ask “why me” when the good things happen.

Still it is hard. I don’t know weather its anger or pain, I guess it’s both. I haven’t had a “mad at God” spell for some time… I don’t like anger. I know if I would just face it, it will go away faster. There go those monkeys again trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.
Goodbye Monkeys!

We are all doing well. Amber is getting ready to go back to school. I can hardly believe she is a senior! Working on her plans for grad school... Nursing or Public Health were the last two majors I heard. She is looking for an accelerated nursing program.

Savannah is blossoming so fast. Really got that middle school girl stuff going on. Lord help us! She is such a flirt! Changing and maturing so much so fast. I don’t the way they grow up right in front of you.

Rose is doing great also. Still doing gymnastics… Still loving it and still a perfectionist!
Getting ready for 4th grade.

Wow I am getting old… at least Tom is older.
His knee is totally healed and he is back to running ridiculous amounts. But now he is doing the gym also. 

I love my job with UT! This is another of my blessings. Healing for my heart and soul to help young families EVERY DAY! I’m back at running and yoga.

Life is finding a new normal for us.

We all have our bad moments but are muddling our way through together…

Love and peace to you all

A friend shared these words several weeks ago and I felt they needed to be shared. The message was about what God was trying to tell us....Why have we been chosen for our own particular journey...

The message is simple:

Bring your story to the light.

Abuse....Abortion...Bad Decisions....An indiscretion...
Mistakes...Adultery...Miscarriage..
.Affairs...Lies...
Separation...Heartbreak...
..all of it.....
things that you have done....things that have been done to you....

The story has purpose.....unless it is kept out of the light....
There, in the dark, it only has dominion over you.
It is only there as a tool that the enemy uses to destroy you....

Nowhere is this more necessary than from parent to child....in time...in process....in relationship.
Open.
Reveal.
Restore.
It is the story He created in you.

Thank you JB for your words of inspiration, I hope you don't mind me sharing it...

I have discovered a source of pain in my daily routine.

Yet I cannot remove this task from my day.

Something as mundane as a trip to school with the kids has become a daily battle.
I want to be there... to drop them off.... To see them off on their day's journey.

But...

as soon as I am alone it starts...

the questioning...

Why us? Why her? What did we do or not do? What is the plan? When will I understand?....

I am greeted by the beautiful young lives just beginning to blossom and it hurts... I want our beautiful Bisty to blossom! So many families untouched by the darkness of such a loss...

Do they cherish each second as they should?

Do they say I love you every chance they get?

I pray for the families around me each day. I pray they understand what a precious gift life is. I have peace knowing Bitsy knew she was loved. I know she loved us as well. So many do not share these simple words....I love you... why?
Pride? ...Ego?... Fear?...

Silly things the devil puts in our way.

Things to cloud our sight of the true love our God has shown for us. The love we should show our God.

Tell those you love that you do! Don't expect them to just know! And If someone impacts your life in a good way share it with them. We all need to love each other and be loved by others.

Kindness is contagious. Spread it around!

You never know when you will be the one in need of a kind word.

To the world you may be but one,
but to one you may be the world...

... to love is to be vulnerable. Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.


An incredible amount of trust is involved in love. How can some be so willing to live the love we all wish we had? How can others walk through this world totally alone and totally blind to the joys that this love holds? You would think everyone could see the difference. In my travel on this journey I have been blessed to know so many truly loving people. People unafraid to give their heart in whole to the world. They are there for me and so many others. They are the angels here on earth that are the support when we feel we cannot take another step. Just part of the blessings we come upon each day. Are you seeing the angels in your life or are you closing your eyes to them? By opening your eyes you are opening your heart too.

It is risky, it is scary.

No one wants to hurt.

No one wants to let the devil into their house knowingly. Yet when we open our heart we also open the door that that could happen. The devil can be so sly and deception knows no ends when it comes to getting what the devil desires.

I don't remember where I read this, "where ever God builds his church, there too the devil will build his chapel."
Isn't that ironic? How often have you witnessed another trying to banish joy from others? Parade rain-ers, Debbie downers, (Not you Debbie, if you are listening)You know the type.... always there to criticize and belittle the things which make someone proud and joyful. That must be the devil at work.

Happiness and positive attitude are not an easy walk. Aside from the daily battle with your ego, there are all those around you just waiting to rain on your parade. It would be simple to not share the love and joy. It would be easy to just blend in and be a wall flower, not sharing at all. But have you ever been cheerful and happy when you felt sad? Try it. You will feel better instantly. I often talk about perspective and how small changes in it make profound changes in the way we see things. I want to live my life sharing the love God has blessed me with and watching it grow around me.
Thank you, all my angels of happiness. Thank you for making the days easier by sharing the love! You know who you are. And you do make the world a better place.

My world is not immune to these devils. Unhappy in so many ways. They grasp at things we hold, things that bring us joy. They try to steal that joy for them selves. They yearn for the joy they don't understand how to achieve. They covet what we have. They covet those that love us. They will try to destroy us and those around us to get that love.

But my heart hurts for them.... I know they hurt... Why can they not see?
What would God have us do?
I pray for them... but where do I draw this line? Can they be shown the way to God's love?

Should I play with fire and hope not to be burned?

To forgive I know... but forgetting is much harder... Please pray for those touched by the destruction caused be the selfish devil. I fear the aftermath of a great storm would be easier to repair...

“Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though t'were his own.”


Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“To be at one with God is to be at peace ... peace is to be found only within, and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all. Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul.”

Ralph Waldo Trine

Amy

Sometimes we need to cry."Tears can wash away the haze and when the tears are gone we see the world with new eyes." Spring rain seems to feel the same way.It washes the earth and everything looks new and fresh again. With the rebirth of everything that comes with spring I long for renewed strength. Spring will flood our senses with beauty and freshness. The flowers and trees are so ready for the steady warmth of the sun just as I am. Maybe this will be the year the cold will leave for good. It has gotten better over the last few weeks and then it returned. Although in thinking back maybe it is only the fact that I have been so busy. It must have been there but I didn't even notice because I was occupied with more important things.
So much racing through my head today and for the last few weeks. I can't seem to find the time to lose myself in these memories and thoughts. Yet I know this cold will remain ever present until I let the tears wash my eyes and release the vice of sorrow that holds my heart so tightly these days. The vice that has total control and seems at every chance to be intent on consuming my life with this darkness. You would think I would have learned by now to just let the tears come and go. Still that wonderful thing we call ego assumes control. I deny them again and again only for them to rally the forces and bring me to my knees once again.
And then I am reminded that sometimes life knows where we should be even when we think otherwise. Life, God, knows we need to slow down and things happen so we do. It has been a hard week for many around us and my prayers have gone out continuously for those families. How do you fill the emptiness in your arms that the loss of a child of any age leaves? I wish I knew the magic cure. I know from my own trials that every step is different some easier than others. You think things are going to be easier and something brings all the pain to the surface. Like it was right there all the while. It seems that time doesn't change this. The pain will always be there lying in wait. Even though we have been through the loss of a child I don't have magic words to help with the pain for another parent. My heart breaks. But I know words cannot even come close... J my arms ache with you and your family. Some days it is comforting to know we were chosen to host these precious angels. And then there are the days I am so mad at God I think why would he do such things to his "angels".
“Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength.” Ovid

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

Peace for your days
Amy

Some days before I even open my eyes are days I know will be a battle. Days I know not to look anyone in the eye. Days I hope I can avoid all conversation. Days I just hope to fake it through. I long for conversation and still I cannot get away quickly enough. I hate to be alone on these days but I seem to have no patience or tolerance on these days. My mind wanders and tears come so easily. This shell I use to protect myself crumbles at the least little thing. Poor soul who politely asks " How have you been?". I feel bad but don't have the strength to explain, hopefully they will forgive me for the tears. On these days I don't feel I can bear this weight, this sorrow, forever. By dinner time my eyes sting from the tears that have bathed them all day.
I wonder what Heaven will be like. Will all our loved ones be there waiting? Will they know we are on the way? Will they be the age the were when they left us? Or will they have grown as we have. Maybe they will be exactly as when they departed this life. So many questions death leaves on our heart and minds. And just think this body as we know it will never know the answers....
Birthdays are always a family event. Birthdays always make difficult days. Today is not a birthday but it is a birthday party. Again my mind journeys back through the past. Remembering birthdays when Amber and Brittany were young. How things are different for the younger two and how they are the same. I remember Brittany's 5th bday party. Nicholas, her best friend, cried the whole party because they weren't 4 together any more. They couldn't be twins now. She tried to console him to no avail. That makes me laugh now, but it was sad. As families grow and children leave the nest it changes. They are there to share with even though not at home.
I want an address! I could up load pictures and send them to her. I know she is here with us but sometimes I think it would make me feel better if I could send her an email or something. A freakin phone call would be nice!
So much to share with her siblings. How would they be different because of having her in their life longer.
Days like today remind me that I need to do more yoga!

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beautiful Snow

As I sit here this morning in my uncomfortably quiet house... all the girls back at school. I find myself falling into memories of holidays past. Holidays are hectic! This year things were a bit easier. Some days were a struggle and some were not. I am glad they are past.
I was thinking about how much the girls love to play out in the snow. On Wednesday afternoon it started snowing about 3:30. By 7 we had about two inches. We still had school on Thursday, most of the snow had gone. It was a really beautiful snow. Stuck to every branch. As the sunlight faded it looked like a beautiful painting. Every branch and limb hung heavy with this wet snow. The evergreens look even more majestic than usual in the bleak winter landscape of east Tennessee. So peaceful. It made me think of our brief time with Angel Bitsy. So awe inspiring yet so brief. Snow flakes are so powerful in numbers and so fragile alone. I guess that's kind of how angel babies are. We need to nurture them and protect them. All the while we think we are the strong ones, and then we learn the real strength is them. My heart hurts to think you have been gone from us for two years tomorrow. In one moment it feels like an eternity and in the next I can't believe it has been that long.
I think my neighbors think I am crazy. I love to sit out in the falling snow. A quiet peace blankets the earth as the snow blankets the ground. Silently it covers all the ugly and turns the once brown and muddy ground to a beautiful and bright scene. Maybe I feel closer to heaven, maybe I can hide the tears. No one thinks twice about a red face or stuffy nose when you are out side in the cold.
So many times I am awed by the glory of things around us. And that tremendous joy can be shattered by the harshness of this cruel world just as I see the splendor. Snow seems to sooth my soul. The cold I feel is justified momentarily. Sometimes I feel I can never escape this cold. In the snow I don't even feel the need to try. Funny how the strangest things can bring a glimpse of comfort to a broken heart. Snow seems to make time stand still some times. Snow can force the world to stop. Even if only for a split second, it does. Maybe that's why I find comfort here. As hard as I try, the world marches ever forward dragging me along,ready or not.

"What is essential is invisible to the eye" from the Little Prince.
how true.... So much we have to learn from this life. So much that we carry in our hearts. Can you count the life lessons that show? I've often remind myself that I am who I am because of my journey. How can I be sure to teach my children this when they cannot really see or touch it. I am trying to live by example. I only hope they will see what is unseen in my heart and know.