February 8,2013
On a morning so like today 49 months ago, tears streaming down my face and his, I watched out the window as a very broken hearted daddy carried our baby girl Bitsy out of this house forever.
Knowing does not make it easier.
Today I don't think anything would make this treacherous path any easier. Sure we think we can prepare ourselves. But really and truly it is no different for our heart. Maybe it is easier for the head. Or maybe we have heard that knowing makes easier so we convince our ego it is.
Time may dull the pain temporarily. But it does not remove the deep sorrow, the darkness. That sorrow that lay in wait, waiting for the opportunity. Waiting to grab you when you think you have everything in control. When you think you are finally stronger than it is. There, just waiting to consume me.
Perspective, so many times I think about how a small change in perspective can make a profound change in the way we see things. I often refer to this devastating sorrow as darkness. It feels dark, it looks dark through my eyes. It is cold and empty, hollow. Sometimes it seems there is no end, no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I am rescued from this vast darkness by something so tiny. Something that allows me to turn away from the darkness. A flame of hope bringing light into the darkness. Something that changes my perspective.
Maybe I am not looking at the darkness through the right eyes. Maybe there too I can change my outlook by simply changing my perspective. Maybe the darkness isn't trying to consume me. Maybe the darkness is there to strengthen me, Maybe the darkness is like the winter, my winter.
Winter can be crazy here in East Tennessee. Some days are really cold and some can be spring like. The hardest thing for me here are the stacked days of no sun at all. They can come one after the other for what seems to be weeks at a time . Rainy, dreary days that make everything require so much more effort. Days of cold that don't make it above freezing. When those days are sunny I love the cold. The ones that are cloudy and wet chill us to the core. It seems there is no place on earth warm enough to banish this cold feeling deep inside. Yet even on those days nature is there rejoicing in some way. The mockingbird out my window sings like it is spring. Calling to the sun to bring back it's warm rays. The beautiful colors of nature don't hide even in this cold. The flaming red cardinals and the Blue Jays are there out my window promising spring will come soon. They make me smile and think of springs from the past. I think of what I will plant this year, what new plant will I try to grow. Then I start that mental project list Tom so avoids. And somehow these thoughts warm me.
Winter is a time most of us draw into family and self. We slow down, we relax a bit. We do things that we don't make time for when the sun is warm and bright. A good rainy day is much easier for me to devote to housework than a sunny one. When it's warm and sunny I want to get things done and be out in the warmth. Maybe that's what I have not been seeing. Maybe my winter is needed to strengthen my roots like it does the beautiful flowers. The flowers and trees, all plants use the winter to rebuild, to produce the blooms and fruit for the coming season. Maybe this darkness that I feel always waiting isn't there to smother me but nurture me. Maybe it is there to help me heal. To give me that much needed time to just breathe. To strengthen me for what life holds for me. To nourish my soul like a flower waiting for spring. So my soul may blossom and brighten the world like the flowers do. Happy and cheerful, bringing joy to all around them.
It is hard to allow myself to surrender to the darkness. To surrender this facade of strength that I have grown to wear so well. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can cry. I can let go and be vulnerable. I will be stronger still by allowing the winter to nourish me. Maybe that is why this winter of darkness has been following me for so long. Following me in warm weather and cold. Maybe all along she has been trying to show me all along that she is there for me, not to get me. Maybe there is someone out there that will need me to be strong. Winter must know I need to replenish and refuel.
I will try to look at this darkness of my winter and think about her as a friend. It will be hard to change my thinking Im sure. I am going to try. I feel better about it already. I will allow myself to rest and replenish so that I may blossom and flourish in the beautiful light ahead.
On a morning so like today 49 months ago, tears streaming down my face and his, I watched out the window as a very broken hearted daddy carried our baby girl Bitsy out of this house forever.
Knowing does not make it easier.
Today I don't think anything would make this treacherous path any easier. Sure we think we can prepare ourselves. But really and truly it is no different for our heart. Maybe it is easier for the head. Or maybe we have heard that knowing makes easier so we convince our ego it is.
Time may dull the pain temporarily. But it does not remove the deep sorrow, the darkness. That sorrow that lay in wait, waiting for the opportunity. Waiting to grab you when you think you have everything in control. When you think you are finally stronger than it is. There, just waiting to consume me.
Perspective, so many times I think about how a small change in perspective can make a profound change in the way we see things. I often refer to this devastating sorrow as darkness. It feels dark, it looks dark through my eyes. It is cold and empty, hollow. Sometimes it seems there is no end, no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I am rescued from this vast darkness by something so tiny. Something that allows me to turn away from the darkness. A flame of hope bringing light into the darkness. Something that changes my perspective.
Maybe I am not looking at the darkness through the right eyes. Maybe there too I can change my outlook by simply changing my perspective. Maybe the darkness isn't trying to consume me. Maybe the darkness is there to strengthen me, Maybe the darkness is like the winter, my winter.
Winter can be crazy here in East Tennessee. Some days are really cold and some can be spring like. The hardest thing for me here are the stacked days of no sun at all. They can come one after the other for what seems to be weeks at a time . Rainy, dreary days that make everything require so much more effort. Days of cold that don't make it above freezing. When those days are sunny I love the cold. The ones that are cloudy and wet chill us to the core. It seems there is no place on earth warm enough to banish this cold feeling deep inside. Yet even on those days nature is there rejoicing in some way. The mockingbird out my window sings like it is spring. Calling to the sun to bring back it's warm rays. The beautiful colors of nature don't hide even in this cold. The flaming red cardinals and the Blue Jays are there out my window promising spring will come soon. They make me smile and think of springs from the past. I think of what I will plant this year, what new plant will I try to grow. Then I start that mental project list Tom so avoids. And somehow these thoughts warm me.
Winter is a time most of us draw into family and self. We slow down, we relax a bit. We do things that we don't make time for when the sun is warm and bright. A good rainy day is much easier for me to devote to housework than a sunny one. When it's warm and sunny I want to get things done and be out in the warmth. Maybe that's what I have not been seeing. Maybe my winter is needed to strengthen my roots like it does the beautiful flowers. The flowers and trees, all plants use the winter to rebuild, to produce the blooms and fruit for the coming season. Maybe this darkness that I feel always waiting isn't there to smother me but nurture me. Maybe it is there to help me heal. To give me that much needed time to just breathe. To strengthen me for what life holds for me. To nourish my soul like a flower waiting for spring. So my soul may blossom and brighten the world like the flowers do. Happy and cheerful, bringing joy to all around them.
It is hard to allow myself to surrender to the darkness. To surrender this facade of strength that I have grown to wear so well. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can cry. I can let go and be vulnerable. I will be stronger still by allowing the winter to nourish me. Maybe that is why this winter of darkness has been following me for so long. Following me in warm weather and cold. Maybe all along she has been trying to show me all along that she is there for me, not to get me. Maybe there is someone out there that will need me to be strong. Winter must know I need to replenish and refuel.
I will try to look at this darkness of my winter and think about her as a friend. It will be hard to change my thinking Im sure. I am going to try. I feel better about it already. I will allow myself to rest and replenish so that I may blossom and flourish in the beautiful light ahead.
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