Days sure have a way of slipping by. The summer has flown. Full of adventure and fun, good days and bad moments.
After several years of steady decline mom finally gets her rest.
She was released from the ravages caused by Parkinson's and all her other ails on July 3rd 2013.
Trapped in a body that would not relent.
A body that had it's own agenda it seemed.
Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was finally peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.
My thoughts get muddled here.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother.
We did not always agree.
I do wonder what her life would be if she had discovered she had what she needed long ago. If she didn't seek to find happiness in things and people but in herself. For the last few months she was part of every day for me.
It's difficult to change so dramatically.
I miss her so much even though she would demand the moon if I would allow.
Stubborn and demanding, that was mom.
Even to the end she wanted to control all that she could.
Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.
Sadness is so destructive. I think watching mom battle depression and watching it slowly consume her. Watching as one by one she let go of her dreams. The darkness infiltrated every corner. Like some monstrous fog, it hovered and settled around her every time it got a chance.
How would her life have been different if she had made different choices? The choice to fight harder in the beginning. The choice to listen to those telling her to change her lifestyle, to eat better and exercise.
She had been sick for a long time. I watched the ravages of disease on her body and mind. I knew it was close. We talked when we could. I sat and listened to the breath of my sleeping mother when she did not know I was there. I always felt like somehow she would know I had been there. The nurses told her they knew I had been there because she would smell sweet and I took off all those dang bandaids from blood draws. They would leave them on all day!
I'm glad we had some good days these last few months. We got to laugh together. We got to cry together. And with the wonderful technology of today some other family got to laugh and cry with us via facetime or just a phone call.
Thank you to all who stayed right there with us til the end. Thank you to all the angels that choose to care for the informed. It's a difficult and thankless job at best. Yet there were so many kind and gentle souls right there around us helping us make this journey with her.
My step dad seems to be doing his best to stay busy. I think he is afraid to slow down. He is lonely and lost, no purpose. Thats a terrible feeling, to feel unneeded. Even though he spent so much of the time complaining about having to do for her, he was there, He stopped at the store for the ice cream she would take one bite of and then leave to melt. He was there.
My work brings so many families living with such unhealthy habits. I wish they could see through me what it can and will do.
I see so many longing for something they think they must go out and find. Something that is right there inside them if they only look.
Gratitude is something I understand much more clearly now. I have always tried to be grateful. To ask "why me"for the good and not only the bad. To cherish the little things. To look for my gifts each day.
This journey has been through some pretty despicable valleys but there is always a mountain with a breathtaking view waiting for me to climb.
I know I have changed, I have grown, I have deepened my capacity to love.
I sometimes feel guilty, I am sad to lose mom. And yet the pain is not the same.
The immensity of losing Brittany does not compare with losing Mom.
I guess we all expect to lose our parents.
After several years of steady decline mom finally gets her rest.
She was released from the ravages caused by Parkinson's and all her other ails on July 3rd 2013.
Trapped in a body that would not relent.
A body that had it's own agenda it seemed.
Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was finally peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.
My thoughts get muddled here.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother.
We did not always agree.
I do wonder what her life would be if she had discovered she had what she needed long ago. If she didn't seek to find happiness in things and people but in herself. For the last few months she was part of every day for me.
It's difficult to change so dramatically.
I miss her so much even though she would demand the moon if I would allow.
Stubborn and demanding, that was mom.
Even to the end she wanted to control all that she could.
Thankfully she slipped away to Heaven in her sleep. A sleep that had been so difficult for so long was peaceful and pain free.
She talked of seeing Brittany many days before she passed. She seemed to find her peace. To lose the fear that once gripped her so tightly.
Sadness is so destructive. I think watching mom battle depression and watching it slowly consume her. Watching as one by one she let go of her dreams. The darkness infiltrated every corner. Like some monstrous fog, it hovered and settled around her every time it got a chance.
How would her life have been different if she had made different choices? The choice to fight harder in the beginning. The choice to listen to those telling her to change her lifestyle, to eat better and exercise.
She had been sick for a long time. I watched the ravages of disease on her body and mind. I knew it was close. We talked when we could. I sat and listened to the breath of my sleeping mother when she did not know I was there. I always felt like somehow she would know I had been there. The nurses told her they knew I had been there because she would smell sweet and I took off all those dang bandaids from blood draws. They would leave them on all day!
I'm glad we had some good days these last few months. We got to laugh together. We got to cry together. And with the wonderful technology of today some other family got to laugh and cry with us via facetime or just a phone call.
Thank you to all who stayed right there with us til the end. Thank you to all the angels that choose to care for the informed. It's a difficult and thankless job at best. Yet there were so many kind and gentle souls right there around us helping us make this journey with her.
My step dad seems to be doing his best to stay busy. I think he is afraid to slow down. He is lonely and lost, no purpose. Thats a terrible feeling, to feel unneeded. Even though he spent so much of the time complaining about having to do for her, he was there, He stopped at the store for the ice cream she would take one bite of and then leave to melt. He was there.
My work brings so many families living with such unhealthy habits. I wish they could see through me what it can and will do.
I see so many longing for something they think they must go out and find. Something that is right there inside them if they only look.
Gratitude is something I understand much more clearly now. I have always tried to be grateful. To ask "why me"for the good and not only the bad. To cherish the little things. To look for my gifts each day.
This journey has been through some pretty despicable valleys but there is always a mountain with a breathtaking view waiting for me to climb.
I know I have changed, I have grown, I have deepened my capacity to love.
I sometimes feel guilty, I am sad to lose mom. And yet the pain is not the same.
The immensity of losing Brittany does not compare with losing Mom.
I guess we all expect to lose our parents.
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