I guess if you need an example of how time skews things here you have it! In my last post I said it had been 18 months and it had only been 17.
Some days I feel like she has been gone forever and some days I feel like it has been minutes. Some time stands still and some times it races on. I never know which I will have. I find myself envious of those who can sleep again. Sleep can be a diversion. I thought sleep was to recuperate and replenish our body and mind. What great sleep commander decides to keep this peace from some of us. When I can't sleep I keep hearing Bitsy tell me how lack of sleep ages you. She use to fuss at me about that. Oxygen and sleep. "Those dumb people in Oxygen Bars are stupid! They are just killing their cells with oxygen!" she would say. She hated to have to use oxygen but she did realize it made her feel better. I wish some times my mind would go completely! Maybe that would be easier. To live obliviously sounds kinda nice at this moment.
Thank you for letting us know you have not forgotten our sweet angel. Thank you for your support and help in this journey.
I sold Rosy's with Toms help. I guess you can say my heart wasn't in it anymore. It feels like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It ripped my heart out to let it go. That was my baby. I built it with Tom's help from the ground up. Didn't get what it was worth but I didn't feel I was doing it justice. Hopefully the new owner will. The name is the same and he said he doesn't plan on changing anything. I don't have a say in that now do I? So if you are looking to stay with us I'll be back at Cork with Tom. So many things cancer has taken from us and I include Rosy's on that ever growing list.
Don't know if we are going to make any sort of vacation trip this year. Tom and the girls talk about it but I resist. Just doesn't feel right. I want to go one minute then I don't! Same battle different day.
Why do I feel the need to hide my pain from those that love me? Why do I have to be the strong one? Why can't I just collapse like one of those women in movies and be rescued? Why must I struggle every day to keep going! Things I love are so hard to do. Is this part of grief? Will there ever be a time that I have the drive and motivation I once did? Daily I battle these bad thoughts. I know they will pass and I know I am stronger. Maybe one day my crazy brain will just give up and let my heart lead this body. Let me live in peace and not a daily battle to stay ahead of the darkness. I worry that we all are losing our minds. Savannah still won't talk openly. Anything about Brittany has to be drug out of her. This is gonna be a hard ride through puberty I can see from here. She is so much like Brittany it's scary sometimes. She will keep everything onside instead of talking to us. She does open up to Amber some . But with Amber going back to school soon I worry about what she will get in to. I do have the comfort of knowing she can call Amber anytime since she has her own cell phone.
I guess I have vented for long enough.
Thanks for listening.
Amy