I don't know where to begin. Sleepless nights used to be my way of life. In the year before Bitsy died I slept less and less. At the end her meds were on a 2 hour schedule with some on a three hour schedule. That made for very little sleep. I guess my body just grew accustomed to not getting more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep. Now sleepless nights make for very hard days. Memories flooding back all day. Fighting the tears back over and over. So many times a complete stranger will unknowingly set off a cascade of tears. Poor soul. They don't realize how or why just feel awful now. And then there are those who can sense my pain and know I need a hug or a kind word. I think I have gotten really good at hiding. And then they walk into my life and remind me I don't have to hide. I don't have to hold my tears in.
The beautiful friends that are hurting by this lost. Brittany's friends. They randomly reach out to let me know they haven't forgotten and that she made such an impact on them. Though each time they do it tears me apart I am so blessed they do share their love with me. They feel they can share their pain with me. That is very healing in it's own painful way. A mom shared that her son was remembering Britt the other day and how sad he still was. How he couldn't believe a year had passed. It is hard to watch the joy her friends are experiencing. The joy I wish she was sharing. Still I ask why Brittany, why us? I get so tired of people saying "nothing happens for a reason". I don't want to wait years to understand. I am hurting now Her family and friends are hurting now! I wish I had a super power like Powder did in the movie by the same name. I wish I could touch that mother on the arm when she is being so hateful to her child. The father that has reached his limit of patience. Touch them and share the pain of this loss. Would that change their actions? Would that insight make a difference in the life of that child. If I can share anything with any of you, I would hope it is to know life is fleeting. Love with all your heart and live with all your heart. Learn to love this journey, even if the destination is unthinkable. We will not arrive and begin to live. We have to live now. Love now.